Runner (Riders of Apollo #3)

Chapter Two: Mika Sage

I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday but it was three years ago, in an armoury in the midst of a Rider party. I never asked him whether he did, he was just as drunk as I was and I took advantage of that, knowing that he wouldn't remember gave me the confidence to do what I had wanted to do since he walked into the fucking clubhouse and introduced himself.

I had now managed to fuck up... again.

Hunter is the only person who knows that I'm gay, I told my grandmother who was technically my mother but she died when I was fifteen and I was brought in here to be trained up. With everything going on I haven't even had the time to consider what I'm doing to myself, what I'm doing to him.

He told me that he loved me and me, being the commitment-phobe, literally walked away without saying a word. I let it get to this level, I let him fall for me and then I walked away. 

See what I mean?

I've fucked up so many times with him that I don't even know where to go from here. The last time I spoke to him was when he got back from that fucking warehouse, I drove myself mental thinking about what was happening to him there. Without me.

Then he came back acting like nothing happened. Like he took a quick vacation and came back happy as Larry. I started the argument when he came back and I've never seen him that angry before, he was livid. I begged him to let me be there for him, to talk to me about everything, to let me in but he shut me out and climbed into Saviour's lap almost immediately.

Now I'm in my office, stalking him on the cameras as he trains. His shirt is off and his sweat is dripping over his club tattoo and his golden skin, the scars and the forms of his muscles.

"Mika." His soft voice whispers in my ear as I run my hands over his skin, pressing hard against his biceps as he traps me against my desk. His tongue running over my ear and heated kisses pressed against my neck as I pull at his dark curls and bite my lip so that no one can hear us.

"Kiss me." I beg and he gives in to my plea, layering his soft lips against mine. His tongue instantly invading my mouth and creating a haze over my mind. He is an addiction I'm not sure I wanna kick.

I snap out of the memory as someone knocks at my door. I quickly close the tabs with the cameras on and spin on my chair, making sure my hard-on is hidden under the hard wood of the desk. 

The desk I was fucked on a few weeks ago... a few long weeks ago.

"Come in." I clear my throat when my voice comes out strangled and I see Breaker taking up my entire doorway. I mean with the size of his body you'd think he'd be intimidating; he is to people that don't know him but he's a gentle giant really. He has a softness about him despite his ability to tear someone limb from limb with his bare hands, yet he is still less intimidating than Reign and Saviour.

He hands me a plate with some food on and I thank him, see? He's too nice. He doesn't talk, I've never heard him talk to anyone. I know Bear has heard his voice and everyone thinks that I would've too since we're so close but mainly he just writes stuff down or we play video games. Neither of us are talkers by nature so it's nice to have someone to just chill with without having to fill the silence.

I eat the food slowly, trying to convince myself not to click on the tab that is legitimately screaming at me. I click on another and start playing some online game with some kids that are probably fifteen but it gives me something to do instead of drooling over someone I can never have.

I have this stupid schoolgirl crush for years now. To be honest, it started when I saw him and just escalated from there and I had hoped that if I kissed him, I would get over it. That I'd never see him that way again and move on with my heterosexual experience. 

I did not expect it to feel so good and for every other encounter to be subpar afterwards. Even the skilled club whores couldn't get me off the way that he could, hell, kissing him was enough to have me close to the edge and now I'm stuck in this shitty, oatmeal flavoured existence because I have a problem with commitment.

At this point it's not even the fact that he's a guy. At one point I was scared to admit that I was gay, I've known it since I was like twelve and my grandmother always encouraged me to embrace every part of myself. Then I joined the Riders, the definition of strength and masculinity - did a lot of drooling my first few weeks here but quickly grew out of it as I started getting closer to them - and I didn't think they'd take it very well so I chased women all day, every day to keep up the ruse.

My ruse was then ruined by a sexy Latino and too much alcohol and now I'm neck deep in something I'm not sure I wanna get out of. I grumble softly and consider lighting a blunt and just drifting off for a bit but I promised Hunter that I would quit all the drugs... I promised him too but I doubt he'd care if I went off the deep end round about now.

He's all caught up with that new prospect that he keeps down in the armoury with him all day, he thinks he's hot and would probably fuck him if he was gay. It's bad of me to be happy that that guy is straighter than a ruler and has proved it many times, in many places with many whores.

I really need to talk to him, to feel him again, he's just very adamant on keeping me away from him. He's never around and I can never pin him down for long enough to have a decent conversation, I understand I just don't want to give up.

I could never forgive myself for it.