Sade's Return

XI part I

I wake up with a headache, and I get up to pour myself some water and take a pain reliever. I sigh and decide to make myself some breakfast. Bacon and eggs sound good. That will probably help relieve my headache. I eat my breakfast slowly, not because I want to savor the flavor; it's just because I feel numb at the moment. This is all mechanical to me.

After I finish breakfast, I get up, clean up after myself, and walk over to my room to dress for the day. I take about 20 minutes to pick out just a pair of black skinny jeans, a Nervana band tee, and black combat boots. I sigh, looking at myself in the mirror; a bit dissatisfied with how I look, I decided to wear my pink hair loose and my ear hangers. I'm hardly close to being satisfied. Today is merely one of those days that I'm too lazy to go out of my way to dress up.

My headache is gone, but I have a feeling of sadness right now. I'm not sure why that is. I find myself thinking twice about going to have lunch with Jack. I figure to text Jack. If I don't want to go, then I shouldn't go. What matters is what makes me comfortable. I know Jack will understand. I'm going to stay home and finish unpacking. I haven't gotten to that yet. I send Jack a little text.

Me: raincheck for lunch?
Jack: sure, what's wrong
Me: staying in to finish unpacking stuff
Jack: Wow. Cool, text me later
Me: k bye
Jack: by

  I start going through my boxes and unpacking items—mostly necessary items at first, plates, curtains, linens, pots and pans, and utensils. I continue to the next box, which contains house decor—the basic boring stuff, key holder, home sweet home picture, clock, and so on. I keep on to the next boxes taking my time and arranging items per their place.

I found my special Teddy Bear mom gave me when I first entered the hospital this year. I hug him, and a tear rolls down my face. I'm reminded of how I let something so small break me down to the point it destroyed my life. People can handle so much more, and I let heartbreak affect my life to the point I lost my job, my car, and my self-worth. If people were like me, geez, there would be no functional society. I can't help but think about when my life started spiraling downward.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~•
I have been with Edwin since high school. I relied on him so much, to the point that he sometimes did my homework, open my locker, walk me to and from school. We would talk about marriage and babies. I assumed that was my life after high school. I went on with my life in blissful ignorance. I didn't think I had the perfect relationship or the perfect life. I was suffering from bouts of sadness that I was told by Edwin that was "all in my head."

The year after high school was tough. I went out of my way to get a good job as a certified nurse's aide. I have saved money to put a down payment on a car and a house. All of this was with Edwin's help. He had his name on my bank accounts also. Stupid of me when I think back. Everything was happening so fast. I wanted my happily ever after, and so did Edwin until the following year.

We had gotten married, and I was crazy happy. One day I showed up at his work to surprise him, and his coworker had no idea he was married or even had someone in his life. Edwin tells me that he's been too busy to sit there and discuss personal matters with coworkers. I let it go because, hey, I'm happy nothing is going to ruin this. Next thing I know, phone calls in the middle of the night about paperwork. I get the explanation that he is training someone new. I let it go once again. I'm angry, but I love him. So life continues.

One day I got a phone call, and he told me that he had to go to a two-day training session with a coworker and he'll buy me something nice. He won't tell me who. I hung up, frustrated and done with it. I'm crying because I know deep down I know what's going on, but I don't want to face the truth. I see a knife, and with anger and tears in my eyes, I cut myself, not deep enough or nowhere fatal to kill myself. Just enough to get the anger and frustration out. When I finish, I throw the knife away, feeling shame that I did something like this again to myself and guilty I'll get caught by Edwin or my parents.

Weeks go by, and Edwin and I haven't been intimate, nor has he been concerned with the fact that his wife is suicidal. Another week passes, and all of a sudden, something happens. I'm refreshed. I change the way I dress and cut my hair. I start flirting with random men. I almost got in a car with a guy I used to know in high school. I figure Edwin is playing around. Why not me? I'm so confused. A storm is brewing in my head.

The one thing that broke my world apart was when Edwin said he could care less about me or what I did. I remember my heart dropping. I grab and break things. I even threw some stuff out the window. I told him to get the fuck out and not to come back since he thought that way. Since he "didn't care about me or what I did," he wouldn't mind me burning his shit to the ground. His eyes were wide open, and his jaws were touching the floor when I slammed the door in his face. I just remember falling onto the floor, crying.

When I wake up, there's a bright light on my face. I tried to move, but I couldn't. I was wrapped by straps to the bed, and I heard crying in a chair next to me. "Mom?"

•11• ~part 1~