Sade's Return

XI part II

  "Where am I, Mom, and where is Edwin?" my mom was still crying. It took her a bit to calm down. Taking a deep breath, she finally spoke, "You're at the hospital. Edwin said that you guys fought, so he went for a walk, and he came back. You were lying on the floor. When he went to pick you up and take you to your bed, he saw those cut marks on you." she took a deep breath again. "So he worried and drove you to the hospital for them to look at you, and they said you needed to stay because you harmed yourself. He signed you in. He called me and left."

With tears in my eyes, I looked up at the ceiling; once again, the light in my eyes blurred my vision, and I started to cry. I told her about everything that was happening, and I was pretty sure we were getting a divorce. She shook her head and tried to comfort me, but I just knew we were going to get a divorce. That night, I was admitted into the hospital on the behavior health floor, and Edwin didn't return. He must have shown up one day to drop off my clothes, and that was pretty much it.

  The second day I was there, they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I was in mourning; I thought my life was over, and bipolar was not to be taken lightly. I was willing to take major depression. Of course, I knew that sounded irrational and not any better. But I was out of my mind. I couldn't argue with them because the cards were all laid out. The symptoms were screaming out loud and in no need to spend thousands of dollars on sending me to the hospital if it wasn't ignored. Impulsiveness, rapid speech, extreme happiness(not going to lie, I liked this one), rapid thoughts, lack of sleep. At the moment, I had been running on a mere couple of hours of sleep. This usually was followed by what I called "Crashing." I would cry non-stop and wish I were dead. I could also predict when these major mood swings would occur. They usually happen on my birthday or major holidays. 

  That day I was given a prescription, and my mother visited. That's when she gave me the Teddy Bear. She let me cry in her arms, which was a rare occasion. She isn't known to be so affectionate. That's when she told me. "Edwin bought a new car for himself, and he has been at his cousin's house these couple of days."My heart dropped. I felt abandoned. I saw this coming. He broke my heart and trust. I was not going to wait until he brought a female around to humiliate me even more. I looked at the Teddy Bear and decided I was letting Edwin go just as he was letting me go.

•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~•
  I can't believe that came to me just by touching that teddy bear. I guess the reason why the small feelings of sadness are coming is that I truly never did grieve over my relationship with Edwin. My anger overtook my sadness initially because when I got back home, I saw that our house was in foreclosure. I lost my job because I didn't have enough sick days to cover what I missed. So there went that. So my anger was more than any depression I felt. I have let go of my anger recently during my sessions with Mike. That's the only thing that can explain my feelings right now. 

  One thing that confuses me up to this day is why Edwin hasn't signed the divorce papers; we are technically still married. I use my maiden name anyways. If people need my legal name, they're more than welcome to it, but so far, nothing of that significance is needed it yet. Maybe he's insulted that I filed first? Who knows? I always thought we were on the same wavelength, but I was wrong. I need to call him one day to get those papers filed, and I can officially begin a new life.

•11 part2•