Sade's Return

III

  I believe I just sold myself for 200 dollars. No, 100 to be exact.I hope this class is worth it. Running my hands through my hair I can't help but feel frustrated. I promised myself I would start over after leaving the hospital ,I have a feeling I just made things worse. "Ugh. I need a Xanax." I go to the sink fill a glass with water and take one. I stare into the empty pill bottle. Hmm I need more. I went a little overboard yesterday because of my nerves. Now I'll have to wait a couple of days for a refill. I might just go across to the playground and ask the kid if he has any I can buy to cover me for a couple of days. 

For now I kick off my boots and lay on the couch to watch some tv. I need to speak to my therapist about the stupid shit I've done so far to help my depression. I lay there staring at a blank tv screen hoping to fall asleep. A couple of hours past by and I'm still not asleep. My mind can't stop racing. I'm imagining my appointment with my therapist now.

Michelle (therapist): Tell me how Friday went.

Me: It went pretty well. I feel good.

Michelle: Now look me in the eye and tell me truth Sade.

Me:I went and signed up for some class...it cost me 200$ and a Saturday with my neighbor. Oh and I stole some shrimp. I have no food at home and I didn't get to the food bank on time that day.

Michelle: *shock on his face* and tells me to leave.

Yep, I see it happening exactly like that. I have no reason to think this way but for some odd reason it makes me feel better. Punishing myself maybe? I eventually close my eyes.

Michelle: Sade, tell me why do you attempt suicide?"

"I don't know maybe it's because I fucked up way too much in life and shouldn't waste any more time on this planet?"

Michelle: It's not you're fault, Sade. People make mistakes all the time. Life will always throw you a problem. That doesn't mean you can't solve it."

"Sure doc, whatever you say."

Michelle: I'm a therapist, not a doctor."

I open my eyes it's noon on a Sunday. What in the hell? I don't remember falling asleep on Friday and Saturday flew by like it was an hour. I need to make sure I really sleep tonight because if I don't I'm going to be a mess on Monday.

Seeing as it's Sunday I might as well walk down another 20 floors to do my wash and walk across the street to get my Xanax that I'll be missing these few days. He usually charges me 50. So that's not a big deal. Not sure if they're real or not. If they're not, the placebo effect does wonders. I put my stuff together and began my descant downstairs.

I'm wearing a pair of sweats and a crop top. I have my hair up in a ponytail. I decide on wearing my ear hangers, I'm still wearing my combat boots. I have my backpack and I'm carrying a black trash bag full of my dirty clothes. I reach the laundry room and there's only one washer left. I figure 'eh' and dump all my clothes in the washer put the quarters in and start it up. I dust my hands off and it's time to cross the street.

"Hey, Sade!" I hear someone shouting from a window. I look up and it's one of my older neighbors. "Do you want some of the lasagna I'm making tonight?"

"You know I do!" I shout back. Yes, food for tonight.

"I want some too!" A random kid shouts. "Shut up! Not you and go back to your Mama!" She shouts back.

I can't help but laugh while shaking my head as I finish crossing the street. I walk to the playground and wait for Y. He's a 13 year old that's been dealing here since he was 11. I can always rely on him. He rides up on his bike with a group of friends behind him and I put 2 fingers up, he nods and hands me the baggie and I give him the 50. With the transaction finished I cross the street once again.

My neighbor's name is Julia and she lives on the 5th floor. I can put my clothes in the dryer and eat real quick then afterwards get my clean clothes. I walk up to the 5th floor and knock on her apartment door. "Oh here you are!" She says in a very caring way and leaning in for a hug. I hug her back.

"Yes, I am and I'm here for your fantastic lasagna."

"Ok let's eat and tell me about school." She says as she serves the lasagna. I look at "Sonny told you huh?"

"Yes, he did. You know he can't keep quiet around me. Especially when I'm feeding him." She laughs.

I shake my head and laugh. "Well, it's an art class and it starts tomorrow."

"Very good. Are you ready? Are you nervous?" She says

"A little bit. Mostly excited. I don't know what to expect." We move on from my topic and talk about her family and what they've been up to. We finish and I help her clean up. "I have to get my laundry, Julia thank you for the meal."

"Oh you know I lthe ike you and you can come around anytime. Let me know how class goes." She says

I thank her and walk down to the laundry room to gather my clothes. Just now after drying my clothes, I realize most of my clothes are no longer white; I toss them in a garbage bag and walk back up the 20 flights of stairs.

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