It was always you

Chapter 26

Grief is something everyone goes through, and everyone grieves differently.

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Mateo,

I know this is a surprise for you, I know you are probably in shock, let me explain.

I'm writing this letter today because I found out I have preeclampsia, I found out at my 20th week and I'm terrified to say the least. A month after we slept together, I had this weird feeling in my gut, I felt like my time on this earth was done, I felt like I've accomplished what God has set me to accomplished and I'm going back to heaven, but at that point I was going through severe depression and I had suicidal thoughts. So I wasn't sure if it was my depression or my gut was telling me something. Then when I found out about the babies, I felt confused but excited that I was pregnant, today finding out I have preeclampsia I finally figured why I had that gut feeling. Preeclampsia is not uncommon, so I guess I don't really have much to worry about, but I choose to follow my gut, thus I'm writing this letter to you. I really hopes nothing happens to me, because I really don't want you to get this letter especially when I sound so stupid. I've started writing a lot, and to you specifically actually. All my letters are addressed to you, maybe one day you will be able to read it, maybe you won't. Heck I don't even know what the hell am I doing. This is frustrating, maybe I'm going insane. Okay I really hope not, because I want to see my babies. Maybe I'm bipolar?

Mateo laughed, he knew how her mind works, he knew it was driving her insane not knowing something. He missed her, he missed her laughter, he wished he could make her laugh one last time.

At this point, you still have no idea about the babies, honestly, I don't know when or how to tell you. Let me start by telling you when I found out, I found out the day that I invited everyone to Pablo's by the beach, that morning when I arrived at the hotel, I felt bloated and I had a look in a mirror, my tummy was protruding more than usual and I immediately realised I had skipped my period, checking back my last period was before Raphael and I broke up, and I know you would think that it's Raph's baby, but he is infertile, so I actually stopped taking birth control years ago, and that night when we slept, I thought you remembered to use protection, but we were too busy in the moment to actually think about it. So I ran to get a few pregnancy tests, and it came back all positive, so I quickly made my way to the hospital, and sure enough the Dr confirmed I was pregnant, with twins no less.

Then I heard their heartbeat for the first time, my heart melted, I fell in love instantly, and by time I found out I was already pregnant for 12 weeks, I was soon entering the second trimester. I was contemplating telling you, unsure of how you would react, or you would call me a slut again or say that I'm trying to trap you into being a father, or worst, my biggest fear is you refusing to be in the babies lives. Mateo, despite what you may believe or think, Pedro and I never slept with each other, we've ever flirted with each other, we merely shared the same bed, and he's in love with someone else and honestly so was I.

That night when you came in Pablo's, you came with Bianca, you were happy and I knew you were serious about her, so I chose to be a coward and kept my mouth shut, I didn't want to ruin things for the both of you, and I didn't want her to think I was trying to cause you both problems. I'm glad that she makes you happy, and you guys look good together.

Mateo, there are things that I would love to change but I'm not able to, like dating Drake or Raphael but I do not regret a moment of that night. I will never regret that night, that night my babies, our babies were made and they are the biggest blessing of my life.

Mateo, I didn't get to properly thank you, I know you lied to me, but you saved me from Drake, you rescued me and you went to prison for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. That night, that night what Drake did still haunts me, it took me a while to trust people and to let people in again, there are no words that I can say to thank you for saving my life, thank you for finding me when no one else did.

Let me tell you something Parker, you may not remember the first time meeting me, but I remember clearly like it was yesterday the first time I met you. Clay and I just became friends, I was 14, and you were 19, you just came back from college for your summer break, you trolled in the house and I was in the kitchen with Abuela, making her famous empanadas, you came in and threw your bag in front of the door, you yelled out loud that you were home, then the girl you were with trailed upstairs, you were touching her sides but it felt more intimate than it actually was, then you ignored everyone and went to your room, I felt jealous, and I didn't know why, I didn't even know you, I knew Clay, at that time I thought I had feelings for Clay, but it was always just a crush. Her tan skin was so beautiful compared to mine, that day I started comparing myself to girls like her, then as time went on, I was constantly over and you never noticed me or realised my presence, hell I was basically living with Clay in the house, almost every night we would bump into each other, and you would never realise my presence, soon I began resenting you. I watched all the girls you brought back, all skinny, all beautiful, but mostly dumb, so I knew you had a type and unfortunately I'm not one of them, I'm curvy, I have fats and I do not care that much about make up or dressing up. I channeled my resentment for you towards my crush on Clay, and I think I forced myself to like Clay more than I actually did. Then one day almost 3 years later, you noticed me, by that time I was already pissed that you never noticed or acknowledged me, you dated my best friend and not once you noticed I was around. I was done being jealous, I was done having feelings for you, because I knew you would never love me or want me that way, so when you finally noticed me, you flirted with me and pulled out your tricks by that point I found you extremely annoying. Then when we came back to Miami, my feelings for you resurfaced, I knew I was suppressing my feelings for you from all those years ago, I fell harder this time and I'm sorry if I made you feel trapped or if you think I seduced you to bed. I fell harder each time I would look at you, and that night we slept with each other, I couldn't deny my feelings any longer, but when I woke up you were gone, you said that you regretted it and it was a mistake, that night my heart broke beyond comparison.

I love you Mateo Ashton Parker, I have loved you for some time. I don't know when I started falling in love with you, but I thought I loved Raph, I didn't, my feelings for you are different, my love for you is stronger and it isn't brotherly love or all that crap, I actually fell in love with you, and it's scary. I'm scared because I know you will never love me, I'm scared knowing that we don't have a future together, I'm scared because I love you so much and I can't do anything about it. I know you will never have feelings for me, I know you have strong feelings for Bianca, and I wish you well together. I pray everyday that you are happy with her, I pray that she's the one and you are able to start a perfect family with her.

When you love someone, set them free.

That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm setting you free, I want you to be happy that's all I ever wanted for you Mateo. I'm in love with you, I love you enough to let you go and not burden you. I know you don't feel the same, I know you will never, and it's fine. When you love someone, if they don't feel the same way, set them free, their happiness is more important, even if I have to watch you from afar, as long as you are happy Mateo.

If you are in the girls' lives, please take care of them for me. You will be a great father.

I don't know what holds for me in the future, I hope my gut is wrong, I hope that I'm just writing this letter for no reason, but in any case

Take care of yourself Mateo.

I love you today and forever.

Because Mateo, for me, it took me a while to realise but, Mateo Ashton Parker, it was always you. You are it or me.

Thank you for everything.

Forever in love with you,

Sasha Annabelle Carter

The End.