The Lesbian Handbook

Rule #1

Rule #1- Do not be a u haul lesbian

Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful but becoming a u haul lesbian is just heartbreak in a short time span and fast speed. I snapped out of my thoughts when Conan elbowed me in my ribs and I let out a yelp. "Ms Divine are you okay?" The teacher asked and I only bit my lip and nodded, he faced the board again and I punched his arm. "Who are you thinking about?" Conan whispered horribly to me. "Lesbians" I answered back unphased which caused him to laugh. We talked quietly until class ended and we walked out to lunch, on our way to lunch I made eye contact with the famous Billie Eilish, the girl who made any guy swoon over her blue eyes. But she's another story, she's a completely different rule, a few different rules actually. I sat across from Zen who was staring lovingly at her girlfriend, "u haul lesbian" I mumbled to myself before looking over at Conan who was glazing at the group of boys sitting a few tables away from us. "Stop drooling" I whispered to him and he looked at me annoyingly and focused on what Austin was saying. I know what you're thinking, does this bitch only hang out with gay people? Well yes I actually do, except for Lenny, Lenny is straight and was completely heartbroken when I came out to him in the 10th grade. I scanned the cafeteria and sighed dramatically. "What's wrong?" Austin asked, "why do we have to live in the worse place to find a fuck buddy? There's no lesbians and the ones there is are my best friends or unseasoned" I said as I took a bite of my pizza. "Come on theres the goth girls as well" Conan said, I scrunched my face and shook my head quickly. Don't get me wrong I love my goth girls as much as the next person but the last time I dated a goth girl I was tied to the bed and threatened with a 10 inch dildo. She was one of my many flings, I have a thing for mentally unstable closeted women. People would describe me as a womanizer but I would not call myself that, I would call myself a women explorer, it doesn't make me sound like a hoe and it makes me sound exotic. So my fellow gays, rule number one to be a boss ass bitch, do not be a u haul lesbian and do not let goth girls tie you up if she says she wants to show you the dark side.