Schizophrenia. [LP AU] 卌

» 07.

i was diagnosed with this mental disorder that i've never heard of before. i didn't think i would need to know of any of the conditions you could have, because i thought i was in control on myself and my actions. i wasn't though. clearly. i was ill, sick. i needed help. i've never been one to ask for help because you need to be independent to be elite in sports.

this is annoying. i don't want to be here, but i need this.

'apparently'.

i was alone in a room and behind a screen i know i was being watched. i hope these trained doctors aren't scared of me.

then the door opened slowly and a lady in a lab coat comes in. she smiles warmly at me and i feel a lot reassured now.

"hi there liam, i'm doctor popper. i hope you've settled in nicely at cahms. i'm going to be your main doctor, but you'll meet a lot of trained psychiatrists who will try there very best to help you. it will be a slow and steady process, but with time, patience and the care we will provide you hopefully all will end well and we can discharge you as soon as possible. now, i haven't had the chance to contact any parents or guardians of yours. is there anyone in particular?" in my head i cringe at the thought of my dad finding out i'm here, he would really lose it. he's already got such a stressful job and i'll just be adding to him. i don't want that. i don't even want to tell him anything, he's not the sort of father a teenager can rely on.

i shake my head in response. i don't want to speak to this lady unless i'm desperate. save my energy for fighting nathan.

"are you sure? no parents?" she looks at me curiously, and i don't know how to respond so i shake my head again.

"well, you know liam? i can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong. believe me i know what's it like to be in this position. so many people just like you are admitted here everyday, all afraid of change. all scared of the doctors who only want to help. it will take time, but we have that. don't worry about a thing." she's so annoying, does nobody tell her that? i look down on her ring fingers and there was no ring.

that makes sense.

i mean after all, she's the reason i'm in this shit hole. she could've not diagnosed me with this damn condition, and i would've so comfortably been happy at the boarding school.

but no. that's not my fate.

+++

my thoughts occur of danielle. i can't control them. i think of the times when we were dating and how happy we both were together. that soon changed, i never knew why she broke up with me. she gave me a vague, blunt answer.

'you and i aren't the same people we were before'. that makes so much sense gorgeous, well done.

nonetheless i can't stop my feelings for her no matter what. i'm annoyed though, why can't someone just waltz into my life and fill the empty hole that danielle left. it's like a black hole inside my heart, it sucks away all my happiness.

and god damn nathan. talk about betrayal. why would he do that to me after everything we've been through? on top of all that, nath said he hated danielle? that makes utter sense as to why he snogged her then didn't it?! urgh.

i can't stop reliving the thoughts. they just won't leave me alone. i'm never, ever at peace with my mind. it's so frustrating.

"liam, are you okay?" doctor annoying face approaches me whilst i was in my ward room, slamming my head against the wall to try and mask the pain of my heart. it wasn't working.

"go away." i hiss at her, repeatedly doing whatever i can to stop nathan from kissing danielle over and over again. my mind is my biggest demon, the thoughts it can conjure it overwhelming. it makes me sick.

"i can't. i want to help-"

"-i don't need your fucking help, why would when i'm normal?! just piss off!" i angrily grumble at her, why can't she see that?

she speaks calmly to me, "sweetie. you're a mess. you are completely not stable, i mean look at you. you're bleeding."

i didn't realise until i tasted the sweet taste of my own blood dancing on my tongue.

opps.

++

the next morning was breakfast, and at breakfast it meant mingling with other messed up people. no one around me seemed appealing, though i noticed niall across the room. i couldn't be bothered to walk all the way to him though, it's not like he would eat anyway though. he's the one that needs this food. looking at the way he looks makes me wonder why he would do that to himself? does he not realise that if he doesn't eat, his body will go into starvation mode, meaning that he would put ON weight instead of burning it off?

idiot.

i sit alone with a bowl of porridge in front of me. i stare at the lumps and move it about, it reminds me of vomit. so lovely.

then i notice a shadow goes across my bowl and my eyes flicker upwards to see who has been dumb enough to join me. i'm lost for words though.

her eyes are brown but dull as if her happiness was drained from her, her soft pink lips are pressed together firmly into a pout that honestly suits her so well. she looks miserable, but that makes her look hot for some reason? her long brunette coloured hair is pulled together tightly into a high pony and her eyebrows are knitted together. she looks at me hard, then eats her porridge.

i look at her tag though, it reads 'sasha mae', and the name 'mae' rings a bell. i take my phone out and go straight onto kik.

aquaboy3:

"mae"

and her phone goes off.

+

fashionista101:

"gosh james i thought u forgot about me."

i gulped, she was staring at her phone now not paying any attention to me anymore.

aquaboy3:
"why would i forget about such a beauty"

a small smile creeps onto her face but it soon dissolves. why?

fashionista101:
"funny cuz you don't even know what i look like."

aquaboy3:
"i do. i can see you right now"

she eyebrows furrow together once more.

fashionista101:
"how?"

aquaboy3:
"im on your table rn"

she looks up, eyes resting on me and then back at her phone. the scowl doesn't leave her face nor does the creases on her forehead. i wait for her response. it doesn't come through a message though. it comes from her mouth instead.

"james?"

[hi bye]