They Both Die at the Start

Chapter 9

05:05

LIDIA

I don't know how or when we got here, but I'm standing before my fiancé's grave. I kneel, legs barely able to support me. For the first time, I feel a sense of almost excitement towards my immanent death. There'll be at this one positive out of this- I'll get to see Christian again.

I don't know if there's a heaven where we'll be reunited by angels, or a planet just like this where we get to bump into each other and fall in love again. Whatever awaits, I'll find him.

At just the mere thought of seeing him again, my heart races and I feel almost at peace with my death.

A sharp cry pierces my ears and snaps me out of my idealistic trance. Penny. She wails from Aimee's arms where they must've been standing to give me space. I walk over and take her; how could I have been so selfish, even in my thoughts?

I push all thoughts of Christian aside, and focus on the soulmate in my arms. I love Penny more than anyone else and today, I have to be present with her for as long as I can. Tears well in my eyes as I think of all that I've lost and all my daughter will lose. Orphaned before her second birthday.

Silently, Aimee and Lucy come over to us and envelope us. They let me be for a few minutes before Aimee carefully asks,
"What was it like to be in love?"

Lucy shoots her a surprised look that almost makes me laugh. It's as if she's telling her to be cautious around me and to not break me down even further. But once she realises that I don't mind, her face relaxes and she settles a bit.  I can see she too wants to know what I'll say.

I don't know what to say. Being in love was... is (my love for Christian didn't stop when his heart stopped beating) ... it's everything. The big romantic dates and dinners, the small coffees and breakfasts in bed. It's everything from proposals to simply having someone to brush your teeth beside.

"You know the type of love you have for say an actor or musician..." I begin, trying to find words to explain it that aren't too deep.

"Ooh like Howie Mendel, he was so gorgeous in those Scorpius Hawthorne movies" Aimee interrupts, gladly lightening the mood.

"OMG yes" Lucy joins in, "I don't swing that way but for him, I'd make the exception."

Aimee blushes and I move on.

"Okay exactly, take that love you feel for Howie and multiply it by a thousand. Imagine having feelings so strong for someone its hurts being apart for more than a day. When you get news (good or bad), they're the person you want to tell, to see their reaction. They're the person you can just look at and imagine an entire life together; seeing the world, raising kids, growing old. The depth of the love you feel for him... or her" I add after remembering Lucy's casual coming out a moment ago, "It's so terrifyingly, wonderfully overwhelming and you simply can't imagine a world without them"

"wow" Aimee stares at me, mind lost in a trance of possibilities, "I hope in my life I can find someone like that"

"Me too" Lucy adds, "The world is so full of wonders I want to share with someone and shit that can't imagine going through all alone"

 

I think of Christian, how when we met I was just as hopeful and romantic as the two girls before me. I smile at my now sleeping daughter and her father's headstone. I smile; ready to see through the day and finally see him again at the end of it.