When The Sun Came Up, You Were Gone

Pain & Wisdom(1)

I can't tell what is worse; puking or shitting your brains out.

Last week, my doctor prescribed a new batch of medicine, everything was fine in the beginning. Alison was giving me my daily dosage, we did our checkups, we did everything that was required, but two days ago I literally puked in the van as we were driving to my school. What scared the shit out of everyone was when they saw blood. After getting tested and having to listen to doctors ask the same boring ass questions, they found out my body doesn't react well with the new drugs and that it's basically committing suicide.

Now I am laying in a bed, hoping to god my bowl movements will quiet the fuck down. Kendra has taken the day off from school to help me out. Alison insisted she was fine doing it alone, but Kendra begged me and.... I can't say no to her doe eyes. Right now she was skinning the peel off an apple for me, "Please don't cut yourself. That would hella suck."

She chuckled, "I think you should worry about yourself!" She placed the apple down and fixed my blanket, making me feel four again.

"How are you and Christian?"

She gave me a glare, not sure whether or not I was actually interested or if I was just trying to get shit on her just to hold it over her head, "We're doing good, our anniversary is coming up."

"Really?" I sigh, "You guys have been together for a while."

"Not really," she finished the peeling and started on the cutting, "I would say five to seven years is a long time."

I choked, "SEVEN YEARS!" I couldn't even process the idea of being with someone for that long. Even if I was normal and nothing was wrong with me, I feel like I would get bored real quick! Kendra just laughed at me, probably thinking I'm stupid. I just admire her, seeing her long hair pulled up into a big ass bun, "Remember when we were little and you begged me to French braid your hair?"

"Oh yeah," she giggled, "surprisingly, you were good. I think I bugged you for three months after to do my hair!"

"Not just three months! Six!" We both laughed, "You were so cute back then. You had a button nose and rosy cheeks. Sometimes I thought you were an elf." She made a disgusted face, her nose scrunched up and her mouth was crooked. I am not allowed to show anyone the photos of her when she was young, since she's humiliated by them.

Suddenly her movements stopped, her face becoming pained. I noticed her mind was somewhere dark, so I just grasped her hand, my gloved fingers holding onto her gloved hand. Human touch... something I haven't felt for a very long time. Her other hand was placed on top, her face pushed in another direction, just so I couldn't see her tears. People say diseases are hard for the family, they have to watch their loved one die slowly, but truthfully, I think it hurts more for the sickly. We have to watch our family suffer, watch them lose their lives just spend the last few moments they got with us. We know we are the cause of their pain and suffering, watching them lose their minds slowly.

I too have to look away, not confident enough to hold back a tear or two. It hurts. It just fucking hurts. That's all the words I can use to describe it, but Kendra probably has millions. I'm so fucking tired... and I'm not sure of what. "Noah?" When did her voice stop being a high pitch squeal and become something smooth and elegant? How much time has passed? How long have I been... been broken? "Noah? Are you in pain?"

Physically? No.

So I shook my head, gripping onto the sheets below me as if they were my life support. I could feel her gaze, like it's burning holes into my head. She shifts, taking her hands away from me. As they tug away, I feel that is what my life is like. Moment by moment, day after day; my soul, my heart and mind is just being stripped away. I feel it, leaving this cracked vessel. How much longer do I have until it's fully stripped away?

"I'm going to get Alison, I'll be right back," the closing of the door, the footsteps walking away. Everything.... slipping away!

Until I couldn't hear her steps, I listened. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten... one more... please one more. When I didn't hear another, I wanted to sob. My body heaved, crashing against the rock hard bed. I wasn't much of a crybaby, but I really felt the need a session right now.

More than ever.

~

When you love something so much, your life is surrounded by it. You engross yourself into it. You don't leave a single moment not throwing yourself into the crowd of it, just struggling every moment to reach it. You may even skip meals, sleep or life, but deep down it didn't matter because you wanted to reach that thing. That thing only mattered, nothing else.

So when you failed to get it, it was a pain worse than death. Regret, sorrow, loss.. all of it. You feel it, but that reminds you to just do better next time! It makes you stronger, better, faster. You don't feel like that at first, but when you're old and successful, you can't help but look back and laugh.

With my covered fingers, I traced the sky. One day, very soon, I will be with those clouds. I'll be looking down at the floor, seeing all these people live their daily lives. Hearing their whispers and mutters, laughing at their little failures and crying at their wins. I would be able to understand my sister more, my mom as well! How nice it would be, just to see Kendra get the life she wanted, maybe I could even help her!

"I can't wait," I muttered, a tear slipping down my cheek.