Unapologetic For My Flaws and All 2nd edition

CHAPTER 4: UNAPOLOGETIC FOR MY FLAWS AND ALL 2ND EDITION

OVER THE WEEKEND, I WALKED AROUND LOOKING like a zombie. I didn't go to the game; I didn't feel like cheering. Plus, I didn't want to see Brian. I called off work because I didn't want to be bothered with anyone. I felt sick. I guess this is what "love-sick" feels like.

My mother knocked on my door as she slightly pushed it open. She had on her silk rose pink Soma's pajamas. Her pants slightly touched her cotton rose pink slippers. I was surprised she noticed something was wrong because she's always working and never pays attention.

"Breana, honey, are you okay? Are you sick?" she asked.

I had on my purple nightcap. My nightcap complimented my nightgown. I was comfortable under my comforter. I took the covers off my face and said, "No, I am not okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.
Again, I was surprised. I said, "Really?"
She replied, "What you mean, really? You know I am always here if you need me!"

I said softly, "To be honest, Mom, no, I didn't know that. You are always so busy. When I want to talk, you are never around. If you are around, you are always too busy to talk. If you do ask about anything, you are more concerned about cheerleading and it seems like my popularity as well. As long as I am "well known" and "accepted" by everyone you are good to go—but I never thought you cared about my feelings."

My mother asked, "Breana, is that how you really feel?"

"Yes," I answered truthfully. I added, "Mom, you hardly ask me how was my day. If you do it's only about my classes, grades, and cheerleading, but it is never sincere or heartfelt, Breana, how are you feeling today."

I rolled up in the fetal position, respectfully turned my back, and said softly, "I am used to it—so it doesn't really matter. I make the best of what I am given when it comes to our relationship. That is why I talk to Dad because he takes the time out to listen. Mommy, I feel like it is all about status to you. Like, when some mothers are stage moms when it comes to their children's acting career. You are a status mother when it comes to me and Summer because everything is all for show. I am not that type of person. I live life day by day without seeking the approval of others. I do not care what they think about me. My life is about making me happy. If I am not happy then, who will be happy for me? Who will make me happy? Nobody, because happiness starts within me first."

"I never knew you felt that way. Are you unhappy? Do you really think I am a quote "status" mother who seeks the approval of others?" she asked, as she sat on my bed and rubbed my back.

"Mommy, it seems like you only make time for Luke. You never make time for your girls. When I came on my cycle for the first time, I told Daddy before I told you because you weren't around. You were at work. When you came home that night, I was sleep, and you already left for work the next day. When you found out I was on my cycle that was like five months later. I decided not to tell you because you never had time." I said numbly.

I turned over, sat up, and sat back on my pillow. I pulled my covers up to my stomach and said, "Mommy, I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but you never make time for Summer or me. I make sure I give Summer attention because I want her to know she has me in her corner. I want her to know she can always come and talk to me and that I will always be there. There were times when Summer needed to talk to you, but either you weren't home because of work or you were too busy in your office writing up contracts. The only time we really have a conversation is at the dinner table when we all talk about our day, but we never talk about what is really going on in our lives. After dinner, you go back to your office and start where you left off. That is why I said Summer and I are used to it now."