Unapologetic For My Flaws and All 2nd edition

CHAPTER 6: UNAPOLOGETIC FOR MY FLAWS AND ALL 2ND EDITION

AS I WAS DRIVING TO SCHOOL I READ AN AFFIRMATION that I'd placed on my dashboard months ago. It said, "At the moment you cannot see it, but everything is going to be alright." I couldn't focus because I'd been crying for days; it feels like it's been months. I always swore I would never be the victim, but I feel like the victim. I cannot wrap my head around how Brian would treat me like this after all I have done for him. Forget about all of what I've done, but I was there for him mentally. I kept him afloat with his pathetic and frantic life. That's the problem, I carried him and he didn't appreciate anything I did.

I am so angry!

There were many days when I had to push myself to make it through another day because I was talking to him all night, listening to his problems, and giving advice. When he didn't have anyone in his corner, I was there. I cannot understand why he would treat the one he's supposed to love this way. It is a fact —he doesn't love me—he just loved what I could do for him.

The pain is weighing on my heart. There are times when I want to be alone, and there are times when I want to talk to someone. I do not feel like being judged. I know if I talk to Chloe, she's going be like, "Girl, how dare he do that to you? He ain't shit, and blah blah blah." I want to talk to my parents, but my mother might be tired of listening to me talk about Brian, and my daddy just might break Brian's neck.

Okay, Google, call big brother.
(ring... ring......)

Luke answered. He sounded like he was busy. As he answered the phone he was talking to someone before he said, "Hey, little sis, to what do I owe the pleasure for this call?"

Hearing my brother's voice made me feel at home and comfortable. I busted out crying.

Luke quickly said, "Bree... Bree... what's wrong?"
I didn't answer because I was still crying.
He said again, "Bree... Breana... talk to me. What's wrong? Say something."

After I blew my nose I said, "Brian broke up with me."
Luke took a deep breath, "Again?"
Still crying, I blew my nose again. I couldn't stop crying, but I managed to say, "Yes."

Luke sounded like he was tired of the same shit as he said, "Bree, why do you keep putting up with his no-good ass? I know this is hard to say, but you do this to yourself. Brian has broken up with you, shit, I don't know how many times and you keep taking his worthless ass back. Why? Why? Bree, why do you keep putting yourself through this bullshit? You know what you're going to get out of this—unnecessary hurt, pain, tears, and stress."

Still crying, I agreed, "Yeah, I know."
Luke said, "Well, Bree, why do you keep putting up with it?"
"I don't know," I answered.
"Yes, you do know, Bree. Why? I told you he wasn't a good fit for you. You will get over him soon if you stop taking him back," Luke said angrily.

"Luke, I called you because I didn't want anyone to judge me," I said, as I felt worse than before I called him. He tried saying something. I didn't let him finish. "I am so sorry I called you. Never mind. Carry on with your day. I didn't mean to bother you."

I hung up the phone.

Luke called me back but I didn't answer. He called me back again a couple of times, but I let it ring. I didn't feel like being criticized.

I parked my car in the school parking lot and cut off the engine. I am not up for classes today, but I have an exam at eleven. I am not prepared for the test. I haven't studied because I cannot focus. My mind isn't in motion. I feel like my mind is paralyzed from the emotional, physical, mental, and traumatized shock. I really have to get myself together because I look and feel like a mess. I sat in my car and cried. I am tired of trying to cry my pain and hurt away. They say it takes time, but how long? I have about an hour before my class. I need to look over my notes, but I am so sleepy. I am going to lay my seat back and close my eyes for a quick second.