Kairen

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A person who has faith in himself does not try to persuade others.  Self-aware does not need the approval of others.  When someone embraces himself, the whole world accepts him as he is.
-Lao Tzu

My mother has told me that I should only find myself in this world since childhood.  Because before most people found themselves, they started looking for someone to connect their lives.  My mother used to say that she found herself after getting to know my father.  The love between each other was so great that it was true love, not commitment.  Even though the years were past, I always saw the same love in their eyes against each other.  Even though the numbers on the calendar were constantly changing, the only thing that remained was their gaze towards each other.  You know, you look at two people and they don't have to talk, say anything, but you understand everything.  Yes, they were too.

They both found themselves after getting to know each other.  I always kept them in my heart;  the physical death of someone would not change anything.  Because some people would continue to live in both our minds and our hearts.  But as I brought them to my mind, I was sprained and the mast of my nose was whining.  Maybe I was shedding some tears but I was not upset, I am not saying I wish they were with me.  Because they are not separate.  And I knew they would be happy wherever they were, if I didn't know if the other world existed.

We would love some people, even if they did not go with us.  I was just calling it true love.  Because we would only have love, with zero expectation.

They were with me for sixteen years;  at least I was old enough to remember them.  I was grateful for that.  I was trying to remember their scent, I was putting the sentences they told me into my mind.  I didn't want to look like them or walk their way.  My father is always saying to me, 'You are our part.  But not us.  So always build your own path. '  he said.

My father was the strongest and most merciful man I knew in this world.  My mother was the strongest, ambitious and compassionate woman I have ever met in this world.  I was feeling very lucky to be their daughter.

But I never looked for someone to find myself.  I will not.  In this life, I did not want to search for a person without exploring, knowing and spending enough time with myself.  I started to build my own way;  it would almost be two years and I was building my own right and wrongs, without damaging the beliefs of others.

For me living ;  was to taste every emotion.  It was trying to understand.  Living for me was to embrace and love myself no matter what.  I was here to taste, live, feel, try everything that exists in this world.  I couldn't have come here just to die ...

"Where did this come from?"  Ozan asked in surprise.  "Look, Kairen is dangerous."

I understood his concern for me.  But if I put something in my head, he knew whatever I would do.  He knew that I could handle a lot of things on my own.  I have always done what I know to show that I do not need protection by others to date, and I was not afraid of being brave for a single moment.  Because my instinct to life was too much.

"You must know that I will be careful."  I said.  I was trying to speak as confidently as possible.  Although I had been with someone before, it was unfamiliar to me to do this for money with people I do not know.  But it was not something that I judged and despised.  I just didn't think I would go to such a way when I was desperate.  I would clean the streets, clean the toilet, do a lot more, but since I had to, I wouldn't sleep with someone for money.  I decided to do this now because I wasn't compelled to do so.  It wasn't moneyless that drove me to it.  It was not an insult to myself.  I would have humiliated myself at that time that I would have applied this way just because I was starving or broke.  Is not it?  This would sound strange to most people.  Or rudely.

Everyone's understanding of morals are course different.  But women can do whatever they want.  Although we were in a society with patriarchy outweighing, I was normalizing what women did.  If a woman wanted, she would have had sexual relations with many men.  She could even do it just for pleasure.  I think everyone should have done what they wanted.  Without humiliating each other (!)

Is not it?  As a result, some men only had sex for pleasure, while most people considered it normal.  Why shouldn't a woman be considered normal when she does the same thing?

Could a man be together with an unfamiliar woman just to have an orgasm, but a woman could not be with a man just to have an orgasm?  And couldn't she get paid in return?  I don't want to be misunderstood, but I am behind all that I say.  I'm not saying what's right and wrong here, I just want the eyes to see, not just look.  I want my ears not only to hear, but to listen.

I think a person should have undressed and thought about his judgment and ego before he started talking.  Before a person questions the behavior of others, he must question himself.

Right and wrong were relative concepts, different for everyone.  And I think nobody had to be good, bad, decent, immoral for someone.

I was only going to have sex and get paid in return.  Because I wanted to understand.  The curiosity in me was greater than the feeling of not wanting to leave my comfort zone.

I was interested in trying to understand people.

"I'm not going to be with someone for the first time," I said, continuing to speak.  "Only now I will be someone I do not know and I will get money in return. I know it sounds strange, but I want to understand those women. Although I am not going to pass their shoes and pass their way, at least I want to try to understand."  I paused and took a deep breath.  "Do you think it would be better if I did this by necessity? I would have humiliated myself because I was free of money, or because I was desperate. Then I would have humiliated myself. But as a minor, I make my own decision.  I could hide it from you, Ozan, but because I trusted you, I came and told them to you. Not for permission. "

Ozan shook his head gently.  "Look, sister, I am in favor of doing what women want in their men. My judgment always said that it was cause for shame, regret, that God created sexuality. But I am only worried about you."

"I know," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder.  "But think about it, let's say I was with someone just to go and enjoy. I didn't get any money, so if everything is normal, I think everything is normal in my own will?"

Ozan exhaled his breath.  "Just be careful, Kairen. I know you won't do anything you don't want."

•

"In order to have a good mind, you need to have a good body. A good mind structure also depends on what you eat Kairen."  Ali Kaya said.  After my lesson, I came directly to him.  Since I was going to come out of school, I put on clothes in addition to my bag.  After all, I couldn't fight uniform.  "You shouldn't eat stupid things, I know that the current generation consumes junk food, packaged foods, but you have to give up."

"I'm eating healthy," I said in a flat voice.  "I only eat everything I want once a week. Normally, I eat healthy."

"Are you drinking coffee?"  He asked.  "A human doesn't need external factors to sober up, dig it up somewhere in your mind. Don't depend on anything. Neither living things nor lifeless."

"It's been two years since I left the coffee."  I said just.  I thought of doing some things myself before, so it wasn't a problem for me.  Being addicted to something was not my thing anyway.  Being addicted means being captive.

"Fine," he said.  "You're smart."