Somewhere Else

Chapter 6: Drifting (v)

It's hot in the bar. I'm stuck in the corner of the booth, squashed up between the wall and Aksel. He has his arm slung around my shoulders, pulling me into him, but his attention is turned towards Lumi, who is sitting on his other side. She's laughing at something he's saying in quick Finnish.

Across the table, Janne and Matias are lazily chatting, pausing once every so often to take long drinks out of their beer mugs. Aliisa is sitting on Janne's other side, her feet propped up on the seat across – the seat Lumi is perched on. She is looking away from the rest of us, at the bartender, who seems to be staring back.

It's Friday night, and Aksel and I are hanging out with the gang. That's what Aksel calls them. The gang. They are so close, they meet at least once every weekend, usually in a bar near the city centre. This time, Aksel has invited me to come along.

"It'll be fun to have you there," he told me, when I had hesitated. "We're just going to have a few beers and relax. It will be nice, I promise."

In truth, being packed into a booth with the rest of them is starting to feel slightly claustrophobic.

I wonder if I can feign a headache and head home early. It wouldn't even be a complete lie – the metal music blaring from the speakers is starting to give me a headache.

Just then, Lumi leans over Aksel to smile at me. "So, Emilie," she begins.

"Emi," I interject. "Emi. Call me Emi."

She blinks, surprised. Her gaze drifts over to Aksel, who is smiling a little, the kind of half-smile one gets when privy to some sort of inside joke. I know what she's thinking – Aksel calls me by my whole name. He's the only one who does that.

Lumi shrugs. "Emi," she agrees. "So, how are things with you?"

"Ehm..." I shrug, and smile a smile that feels more like a grimace. "They're going okay, I guess." And then I reach for my beer and take a sip.

Gross. I swallow the mouthful and try to smooth out my expression. Beside me, Aksel is watching. He gives me a look, not unlike the one he had given me when I had ordered a beer like all the others.

"Oh." Lumi looks at a loss for words for a moment. She blinks again, big blue eyes moving to look across the table at Janne, as if seeking help. Janne is still deep in conversation, this time with Aliisa. Matias is looking at us, but he doesn't say anything. Lumi turns back to me. "I heard you've started Finnish classes at the university?"

"Yeah." I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about my Finnish classes with a Finn. Contrary to what Aksel believes, I can't do it. I'm still going for the classes, but I'm not doing any better. And I haven't told him – I can't tell him – that I have developed a sort of disdain for the class. For the language.

The day after that disastrous pop quiz, Elina had pulled me aside. "I want to help you, Emilie."

"Emi," I had said, almost by rote.

"Emi," Elina had repeated. "Maybe we can work out something. What are the parts you don't understand?"

I had shrugged, my eyes trained on the floor. Everything, I had wanted to say. I don't understand anything.

Lumi is starting to look uncomfortable now, but she presses on, "How's the class?"

I look down in what is starting to become a habit now. "It's okay," I say.

I don't know what Aksel has said to the rest, but they always only speak English to me now. Maybe he's told them about my breakdowns. Maybe they gossip about me behind my back: poor little Emi, unable to fit in, to get used to life over here. So stupid when it comes to learning our language.