The Five Stages of Grieving: A Journal by Daniel Jacob Feldman

January 22, 2001 6:36 A.M.

I didn't sleep at all last night. Why? Today has been the worst day of my life. Today... My best friend, Tesla Jefferson Lewis... died.

It all started this morning at around 1:30 A.M. when I was awakened by the7 phone ringing.

"'Lo?" I asked groggily.

"Danny? It's Tori." My other best friend, Victoria, answered. Even in my sleep-deprived state I recognized the panic in her voice, and sat up.

"Tori? It's 1:30 in the morning, what could you possibly need to tell me that couldn't wait for the daylight hours?" I asked and I heard Tori sigh on the other end, and started to panic. "Tor? Is everything alright? Did something happen?"

"It's TJ, Danny. There... There's been an accident." Tori told me, her voice shaky and choked with emotion.

"Wha... W-what kind of an accident?" I asked nervously.

"I... I shouldn't tell you over the phone. I'm in the ER waiting room at County General on 2nd st." Tori lists.

"I'll be right there, just hold on." I can remember clear as a bell the fear in her voice even now, hours after the phone call, but nothing scared me quite as much as the tone her voice took with the last word.

"Hurry."
____

I arrived at the hospital in record time and ran to the waiting room. I'm a psychologist specializing in grief, aka a grief counselor, but sometimes they bring me in to talk to people waiting for information on what's going on with their loved ones, so I knew exactly where it was.

"Danny!" A very pregnant Tori Ardan-Lewis walked up to me and wrapped me in a (very uncomfortable) bone-crushing hug.

"It's good to see you too, Tori. Now tell me, what's going on? What kind of an accident did Tess get himself into this time?" I asked.

"Oh Danny, it's just awful! Annie's come down with a cold and TJ made a run to the drug store and he got hit by a drunk driver going 70 miles per hour in the school zone." Tori said, and I tried to keep my composure.

"Okay Tori, take deep breaths, that's it. Now what are his injuries?" I asked, and she started to calm down.

"Um, the doctor is going to explain that when he gets back." Tori answered, her voice wavering. I pulled her into another tight hug.

"He'll be fine Tor, he'll bounce back like he always does." I assured her. Then the doctor came in with a grim expression on his face. I haven't been able to decide whether or not things would be better if I had known then what I know now, it could have been better or it could have been worse, but at the moment I can't imagine it being any worse than it already is.

"What's going on with TJ?" Tori asked.

"I'm afraid the accident caused extensive damage to his body. He has several broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and a concussion, but right now our main concern is the damage done to his liver and heart. He is hemorrhaging badly. I'm afraid I must ask you to prepare for the worst." Dr. Meyers, chief of surgery, informed us and left.

"Have you let everyone know what's going on?" I asked Tori, and she looked nervous.

"Um, yeah. I called your Mum to let her know what's going and where you'd be. And..." Tori trailed off.

"What is it?" I asked, but before she can answer, a person whom I was beginning to think I was never going to see again, enters the room.

"How bad is it?"

Rachel Alice Hudson.

"Rachel?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Danny, i- it's good to see you again." Rachel stuttered. Allow me to fill you in on who Rachel Alice Hudson is. I met her in grade 3, she was one of the few girls in our class who still believed boys had cooties. The other boys would go along with it (because she was the prettiest girl in the school), but Tess (That's what I call TJ) thought it was stupid because his sister, Marie, played with him all the time and never once 'caught' cooties from him, while I wasn't really amused by anything those days, because my father had died the summer before. Rachel, instead of being repulsed by us, the outcasts, was intrigued by our rebellion against the rest of the boys, and we all became friends. Sort of. Rachel was an only child with two parents, unlike. Tess and I, who both had at least one sibling and only one parent each. She also lived in a gargantuan 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house. Her dad was a lawyer, and her mum was just a mum. At first I resented her for her amazing life, her amazing house, and her amazing living parents, but I got over it, because it wasn't her fault that my dad died, or that Tess's mum left. We didn't meet Tori till high school. It didn't take longer than 5 minutes to realize how hard Tess was falling for Tori. They started dating when we all 4 started attending Stratford upon Avon College, and Rachel and I got closer and closer until Tess and Tori got engaged during our 3rd year and we finally started dating after their wedding. Everything was going well until Rachel got accepted into Oxford med school. She asked me what she should do, and I stupidly told her she should go. I regretted it immediately, but kept my feelings to myself, until a few months later when I just blew up at her. We had a huge fight and broke up, and we've only seen each other a handful of times since then, when Annie was born, when my mum had a heart attack Marie's going away party when she joined Doctors Without Borders, and each time was more awkward than the last.

"Danny?" Tori pulled me out of my daze by calling my name and looking at me expectantly.

"Huh?" I asked, confused, and both Tori and Rachel look at me, concerned.

"You blacked out for a minute, I told Rachel how the little one's been keeping me up at night and I asked you to- Oh never mind." Tori gave up.

"When are you due?" Rachel asked. I didn't really understand how they could keep talking like nothing happened when Tess was somewhere in this hospital possibly dying. It was only when I looked into their eyes that I realized how badly they needed to keep their minds off the circumstances of their meeting. I was thinking about all of this when Marie entered.

"What happened? Where's Tess? Is he ok? How badly is he hurt?" Marie questioned frantically, and Tori walked up to her and put her hands on her shoulders.

"Take a deep breath Marie, calm down." Tori ordered Marie and she slowly calmed down. Tori pulled Marie into a big hug. Tori has always been the big sister none of us ever had, and I knew even then that she wasn't going to cry until she'd had every bit of hope stripped away from her.

Unfortunately, it was. Dr. Meyers walked into the waiting room, his expression somehow even grimmer than when we first saw him. "We did everything we could."

And our worlds came crashing down.

In that moment, a million thoughts went through my head.

This is not happening. This can't be happening. It must be a dream​, it has to be a dream. What are we going to do? What is Tori going to do? How am I going to hold us together without falling apart myself? It's so unfair! My mom is the most judgemental hypocritical person I've ever met and she had a heart attack that was entirely her fault and she's still alive and Tess… My best friend the swizzle stick wouldn't hurt a fly even if it was buzzing around in his face, Tesla Jefferson Lewis is… dead. This isn't happening, it just can't be happening. And then everything went black.