The Five Stages of Grieving: A Journal by Daniel Jacob Feldman

January 23, 2001 1:52 A.M.

I can't believe I forgot. I suppose that statement could be confusing if taken out of context. It started this morning at my practice.

I heard the bell above the front door ring from my office. I share my practice with a family counselor named Doctor Gabriel Johnson. He's fine most of the time, but sometimes he can be a little stuck up because he went to Cambridge and I went to SuAC, but I usually just ignore it. Anyway, back to the story. I heard a knock on my door.

"It's open." I called out to the person on the other side of the door. The door opened to reveal Rachel, you remember her. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to check on you." Rachel replied. I may have rolled my eyes rather immaturely.

"Well, I'm fine. You've filled your obligation to comfort those grieving, so you may leave now." I said, admittedly rather bitterly. Rachel ignored my comment and sat down in the chair across from me.

"Danny, cut the crap, I know your just stuffing." Rachel retorted. Did I mention that Rachel has bipolar disorder? No? Well, she does. And I hate it when she uses psychological terminology.

"Leave the psycho-analysis to the professionals, Dr.Hudson." Rachel hates it when I get formal with her and I know it, so I could tell that she was holding back a smart remark for my sake. I almost wished she wouldn't have.

"Listen Danny, I understand this is the way you've always dealt with grief, but it's not healthy, and you know it. And-" Rachel started another sentence, but I cut her off.

"Get to the point Rache." I stated sternly, and she sighed.

"Stop being a hypocrite, Danny. Take your own advice. Tori needs you, Annie needs you, the new baby will need you... I need you." I barely heard the last part. "Danny, you and TJ have always been the glue that held us together, and now it's just you. I'll help you get through this the best that I can, and I hope that we can at least be civil, for Tori and Annie's sake."

I paused for a minute before talking. "How can you possibly help us when you're so far away?" I asked honestly, and now it was her turn to pause.

"Danny, I have some news, big news." Rachel stated hesitantly, and I was confused.

"What news?" I asked. Rachel sighed.

"I'm moving back to Stratford upon Avon. I'll be teaching obstetrics at SuAC." Rachel stated, and I just stared at her blankly, processing the words that had just come out of her mouth. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

"What?" I asked, dumbfounded. Rachel sighed again.

"Danny, you were my best friend. I know I messed up, but I'd like to start over." Rachel told me. I sighed.

"I'd like to do that too, but we have so much history... I don't think we could go back to just being friends, and I don't think I could handle being your boyfriend again." 'Not yet, anyway.' I thought to myself.

"But-" Rachel started, but I cut her off again.

"No, let me finish. It's never good to start a relationship when you're grieving, you know that. Maybe in a few months, but not now, okay?" I asked calmly. Rachel silently chews on her lip, considering my offer.

"Alright, I'll leave you alone for now, but we'll have to see each other at least a few times before the funeral," Rachel starts and I flinch slightly at the word funeral. "and we'll have to interact at least some of those times, so make me a promise. Be civil?"

I sigh. "I'll be civil as long as you will."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Rachel states, and she leaves. I worked on paperwork for a few hours until I heard another knock on my door. "Come in." The door opened, and standing there were my older brother, Sam, and his 12 year old son, Joseph. I have 2 brothers, Isaac, who's 10 years older than me, and Samuel, who's 4 years older than me. Sam got married to a human piece of scum right out of high school, she got pregnant, had Joseph, and left them alone with me and our mum at the hospital. Sam was devastated, and moved him and Joseph to a completely off the grid place in the middle of nowhere called Axe Throwers Village. He works there as a lumberjack, trading firewood for various goods and services. He likes living there, and there are much worse things to do after something as devastating as what he went through (for instance, joining a cult, which is what Isaac did after our dad died, but that's a story for another time). I've even visited a few times since he moved there. The last time I came there I unintentionally incited a riot, by bringing my laptop into a restricted area. "Hello Sam, Joseph."

"Hi uncle Danny!" Joseph replied.

"You don't sound very excited to see us." Sam stated, but doesn't seem to be the least bit deterred by my tone.

"What do you want Sam?" I asked.

"I just wanted to say hi, and tell you that... I'm getting married." Sam announced, and all other thoughts rush out of my head.

"What?" I asked, shocked.

"To Jane Astin. She works at Horseshoe Bakery, and she loves horses and biscuits and Joseph and I. And I love her." Sam stated, lovestruck. I get up and hug Sam and then Joseph.

"Congratulations! That's great news. When is the wedding?" I asked.

"I'll tell you all that later. Can you get off work early?" Sam asked.

"I can for this." I said.

"Great! Let's go!" Sam stated, and we all left, me in my Volvo, Sam and Joseph on horses. We arrived at the house a few minutes later (my practice is only a few kilometers away from the house), and we went in. 

"Danny? Are you home early?" Our mum called out to me.

"Yes! Sam and Joseph are here too!" I called back, and mum walks into the room.

"Sam! Joseph! It's so good to see you!" Mum greeted them and she gave them both big hugs.

"It's good to see you too mum. I have some news." Sam stated.

"Oh, really? Well, spill it. What's the big news?" Mum asked.

"I'm getting married!" Sam announced, again.

"That reminds me, we need to call Tess and Tori." I stated. Unless you haven't read anything leading up to this, you know exactly what was wrong with that sentence, and so did my mum.

"Danny..." Mum whispered.

"What?" I asked, then the realization dawned on me. "Oh my goodness."

"What? Did something happen to Tess or Tori?" Sam asked. I ran to my room and shut and locked the door. 

All at once, the shock wore off, and I started crying. The sobs tore through me, I couldn't stop. I just... broke. A few minutes later, someone knocked on my door.

"Danny? Can I come in?" Sam asked, and I nodded. I realized he couldn't see me nod, so I got up, unlocked the door, and opened it. I could tell Sam wasn't fully prepared for what a mess I was, so he just held out his arms. I collapsed against him in a bone crushing hug, and he ran his fingers through my hair. We moved to sit on my bed and I just cried. That went on for about an hour before Sam spoke up. "Mum told me what happened. Danny... I'm so sorry." Sam barely got the words out, and they only made me cry harder. Sam fell asleep on his own bed about an hour ago, and I just got the urge to write this all down. I doubt that I'll sleep anymore tonight than I have the past few nights anyway. Well... I guess that's it, goodnight.