I know it's been a long time since I wrote in this journal, but Annie is graduating today, and a few days ago she found this and convinced me to get it published. I wanted to write a sort of epilogue for it. Rachel adopted Beth immediately following her father's death, and we got married 10 years ago. I thought to conclude this story I'd go through this, and look for the 5 stages of grieving.
Denial-Check!
I went a whole day without remembering that Tess was gone. For as long as I can remember after Tess died, I'd go for days at a time without thinking about him, and all of a sudden it would come back, just like the first time. Something would remind me, and I would be filled with raw, painful emotions, as bad as when it first happened. Over the years those days have become few and far between, but never truly gone.
Bargaining-Sort of.
I didn't really talk much about this stage. When I first learned of this stage I thought it was utter rubbish and, to a point, I still do. By that I mean that it is one of the five stages of grieving, but one that ends before death. I remember clearly begging God not to take my best friend away from me, it didn't work, at least, not the way I wanted it to. I'm still not sure why he died, but I will never stop searching for answers.
Anger-Check!
3 words. Hole. In. Door. Until that moment, I didn't know what anger truly was. But in that moment, I realized, everything… Well, almost everything, in my life, was totally and completely unfair. And not just my life, but the lives of those surrounding me. How Tess’ mum left when he was only 5, how his dad died at only 45. How Tori’s parents skipped out on her so early in her life that she doesn't even remember them, and, as a result of this, she was passed around from family to family, without ever knowing what home was. How Beth lost both her parents before she hit puberty. And how… all these people I loved, who loved me, my dad, Tess’ dad, Beth's mum, who I didn't know personally, but who touched my life in so many ways, Albert, who hadn't died yet, but would soon, and… Tess. Tess, who would be leaving a wife, two beautiful children, his other friends… and me.
Depression-Check!
This one was pretty much throughout, but it was particularly bad the day of the funeral. The sleepless nights and ‘dead-to-the-world’ mornings are too many to number. I've been to places too dark to speak of, and honestly… even after all these years, even on paper, it's too hard to talk about.
Acceptance
The acceptance stage is a myth, you never really get over the death of a loved one. But it does get easier, eventually and gradually. The pain lessens, it becomes easier to think about them without crying. But you never accept it.
I've gone through these stages a million times, almost constantly alternating between denial and acceptance. But things have become easier. And I will always make sure that no one forgets Tess.
And that's what really matters.
The Five Stages of Grieving by Daniel J. Feldman
Dedicated to Tesla J. Lewis
You will never be forgotten.
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The Five Stages of Grieving: A Journal by Daniel Jacob Feldman
General Fiction"I didn't sleep at all last night. Why? Today has been the worst day of my life. Today... My best friend, Tesla Jefferson Lewis... died." Join me on a journey into the mind of Daniel J. Feldman, a British grief counselor who has just lost his lifelo...
