Torn Between Two │jjk & kth

IIIII

It had been two weeks, two weeks without a word, or even a look in my direction. The prospect of cowardice to such an extent was unimaginable, but like several times before he did not fail to prove me wrong and crush my rising impressions as well as expectations. Even when he was forced to acknowledge me, he did not speak, but merely nod or shake his head for yes and no while keeping his gaze lowered to his paper.

He was the definition of temperamental, changing his mood every so often, many times likely without liable reasoning. It was an absolute pain to attempt anything further, and so I decided I was done with him, a final say. I knew that it would end like this from the beginning, yet I forced myself to try, why, undetermined. It was something swaying me in his direction, it still remained there, coming back at best times and chipping away at my progress, convincing a part of me to try again, but I knew better than before, now I wouldn't fall into the neverending pit of gruesome horrors.

With my newly acquired wisdom, the inexplicable thing I had for him would fade away, like it never was there. Only, I would be completely aware of my previously fatal feelings, incredibly pleased with their absence, grateful that they are just an insignificant distant memory.

That was my goal, at the least, whether I would reach it was a question I could not answer even with my expanded knowledge. Knowing better could stop me from uselessly pursuing danger, but idiocy, like him, never failed to disappoint. Logic reminded me that I was ghosted, and something else strange decided that our wonderful conversation at the library was worth much more than. Once again, I would think of how he-he kissed me and reflected his regret onto me, then there would come the thought that he, like everyone else is a complex person, that like everyone else, like me, makes mistakes.

It was quite a conundrum, one that would take much more carefully thought to solve. It sounded over exaggerated, but one decision, especially this one, held so much power. I didn't know how either would end, but there were dozens of very clearly horrenddes possibilities. In the end, it seemed both came with regrets, no matter what happened. That was something about me, or a lot of people in general, no matter what choice was made, there would always be regrets somewhere, because the truth is, there can never be true acceptance and happiness with such matters, others as well. For that, I concluded that I could never be truly happy, and I was on good terms with that, it was the only exception to the lack of true acceptance because I knew that there was no way that could be changed.

There were many things that couldn't be changed because they were aggravatingly persistent, in this instance that was Marissa. We had made plans earlier this week to go to the mall on Sunday, well today, but that was when I thought I wouldn't be over this, but I was still in mourning of my former friend, at least I think that was what he was.

So there she was, while I was applying my best coping methods to this situation, those included ignoring her, my problems, and just about everything in self isolation.

"You promised," she pleaded.

"I know, but-"

"You can't make excuses, that's not fair."

"How?"

"Because, we haven't actually done something in such a long time."

She was right about that, so I was forced to agree, not to mention that this would be better than what I had planned for myself.

Once we were at the mall, I was at some repentance, not too much of course, I was somewhat enjoying it.

"Remember that party," she said out of nowhere, catching my attention.

"The party, yes, what happened at it, that's a different question."

"I did something, something bad."