A Boy Named Conan

Conan has a nervous Breakdown.

         The past week, My skin has been Discolored.  It was a day that started off almost normal, on Monday.  We woke up next to each other, but he was looking at me weird.  I asked "what are you looking at me like that for?"  "Just, your skin has an orange Tint to it.  That's not normal, is it?  I've never seen that with anyone before."  "It's okay.  It's weird, but I'm sure it's fine."  I assure him, calmingly.  "Okayyyy.... If you say so."  Conan says, kind of unsure.   But he lets it go.  So we carry on with our day, normal morning routine.  I get ready to feed the babies my breast milk, but Conan stops me.  "Your boobs have orange tint too.  Why don't you give them something else?  Like mashed Bananas or something.  I'll prepare it."  Conan says.  "Alright, that is a good idea.  Because that is a little more weird."  I say, now getting concerned, just a little bit.  Conan starts to get more nervous.  "Should I take you to the hospital?"  Conan asks, giving a super concerned look.  "Hmm, I don't know, it's happened before to me.  Multiple times.  Sometimes I just get orange Tint, and I don't know why.  It usually lasts a while.  But it usually disappears a while later."  I say.  "Okay.  I hope so.  I just have a feeling like something is wrong."  Conan says, his breath was uneasy.  Well, thennn, Maybe we should go to the hospital.  Or at least urgent care at first."  "Okay, good idea.  I'm genuinely scared.  On the inside.  I'm trying not to show it as much on the outside.  Because I don't want to freak you out.  I know how you are when someone freaks out."  Conan says.  "Yes, you know me so well.  I always assure other people I'm fine, so I can keep them calm, so I can keep my worries under control.  It is okay though If you absolutely need to panic.  You can't help it."  I say.  "I just have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I don't wanna wait until it gets worse."   "I completely understand that, and that's good."  I say.  "Yeah, Let's Go.  We'll just get the babies in their car seats.  And we have to change their diapers.  Geez, we gotta do it fast."  Conan says, very urgently.  "Yeah, we don't want them to sit in dirty diapers that have already been dirty for hours."  I say.  "Yeah, but you're definitely my top priority.  So that's why we have to do it quick.  I'm about to throw up from anxiousness."  Conan says.  "Alright, okay, listen.  Look at me.  Taking a few extra minutes is not gonna Make much of a difference.  And we'll figure out what's wrong, if anything, and we'll get it taken care of.  So just try not to worry too much, and take a few good breaths."  I say, in a soothing tone of voice.  I kiss him on the cheek sweetly.  I then rub his back a little bit.  "Okay baby.  I appreciate you trying to comfort me, and I will certainly try not to worry too much.  It's really hard though.  And right now we really have to hurry."  Conan says.  "Okay, Okay.  I'm sorry baby."  I say.  "It's okay.  You just were trying to help calm me down."  Conan says.  So we change the babies diapers.  I then get dressed.  He watches me get dressed, to make sure there are no other orange spots.  None.  "Okay that's good.  It's just on your face, and your boobs."  Conan says.  And he grabs the keys and we go flying out the door, with the babies.  "Okay, The hospital is about 45 minutes from here.  This sucks!"  Conan says.  "Well, I thought we were gonna go to the urgent care first, to see what's wrong.  Although, then if they suggest the hospital, that will be two separate bills."  I say.  "Yeah, exactly.  Besides, I do think it's hospital worthy.  I don't know what orange skin tone means.  But I don't feel it's anything good."  Conan says.  "Okay, well you go with what your gut tells you."  I say.  We just keep talking.  And then he starts crying and hyperventilating.  He's so scared.  So I try to comfort him.  "I'm so Scared!"  He says.  "I know.  And hopefully the doctors and nurses will help ease your fears."  I say.  My hands start getting orange.  Conan Glances at them.  "Heyyy, now!  They were not orange before, right?"  Conan asks, in a shaky voice.  "Correct.  You're right, they were not orange."  I say.  "UGH!  So it's quickly getting worse!"  Conan says.  "Unfortunately it appears that way."  I say.  "Well, thankfully we'll be at the hospital and hopefully we'll get some answers."  Conan says.  "Yeah, hopefully.  That would be good."  I say.  "Ahhh, yeah.  It would be."  Conan says.  He's still a nervous wreck.  "Conan, why don't you play some music?  Maybe that Will help calm you down."  I say.  "Okay, good idea.  Let's play some upbeat, hype songs."  Conan says.  "Sure!  Whatever you feel like listening to."  I say.  So he connects his phone with the car.  "There, is that better?"  I ask, as he plays the music.  "Not yet, it only just started playing."  Conan says.  "Oh yeah, good point.  I guess it can't quite work that fast."  I say.  After a while of listening to music, and talking a bit, we arrive at the hospital.  We get checked in, and we are told to sit in the waiting room.
     15 minutes goes by, and he gets more and more anxious.  So I grab his hand and hold it in mine, as I rub it Gently.  But kinda putting pressure on his hand.  Kinda giving him nice, firm rubs, in a circular motion.  I squeeze it just a little bit.  He starts to bounce his legs up and down, and biting his nails a bit, showing more signs of anxiousness.  He tries to hold back tears as well.  I rub his back with the hand I didn't hold his with.  And the tears start flowing.  He then buries his face in my chest.  "I know, I know.  You're scared.  Hopefully it will be just like normal.  Where I'm orange for a few days, and then it disappears."  I assure him, speaking to him in a calming voice.  He loudly sobs, as he gasps for air, and breathes out heavily.  "I know, shhhhhh...... Shhhhhhh... It's gonna be okay eventually.  I can promise you that."  I say.  "I know.  I just hate waiting in the waiting room, forever.  And then they check you out and that takes forever.  Ugh!  I just want answers!"  Conan says.  I then move my hand from his back to his head, rubbing it.  An hour goes by, and they finally call us back.  The lady takes us back to the room, and takes a look at me.  They only examine my body.  Then the lady says "Okay, guys.  This is not commonly seen.  But it is very simple to cure.  We'll just give you some cream.  And it should clear it right up in a couple days."  The lady says.  So she let's us go.  "Okay, thank you."  Conan says.  "You're welcome, you guys have a good day now!  And those babies, they might have to not be breastfed for a few days.  Because the cream is not safe around babies mouths.  Like, the medicine will be on the outside of the breast.  And also on the inside, which can poison the milk."  The lady says.  "Oh, okay.  So Then we just have to give them regular baby food, like mashed Bananas, Yogurt, stuff like that?"  I ask.  "Yeah exactly."  She confirms.  "Okay, thank you."  I say.  And then we leave.  "You know, I hate that she only gave a quick body inspection.  She didn't even run tests, or screenings of any kind."  Conan says, very upset still.  He continues, "But I guess I can trust that she's right.  And will get you cleared up within a few days."  Conan says.   "Yeah, I hope so too.  And yeah you're right.  They didn't even do that much.  All that waiting, for Just a quick 5 minute body inspection.  I HOPE we can trust them.  Otherwise we'll have to go to another place."  I say.  "Yeah, and also Sue the hospital!"  "Oh yeah, definitely!  Because that could seriously end up being so bad!"  I say.   "Yeah, if they are wrong, Fuck them!"  Conan shouts.  "I know, that would be very wrong of them to care for us poorly."  I say.  So we get back home, after we pick up the script from Walgreens, that the hospital had called in.  We immediately put it on all the orange areas.  Conan helped me apply it.  Even though I could reach all the areas.  But he's so sweet, and wanted to make sure he took part in trying to get me better.  I'll let you have the pleasure of rubbing it into my chest and boobs."  I say grinning.  "Yay!  So I get to be glad I take part in helping you get better, and I also get my own special pleasure from it."  Conan says, while he rubs my boobs and chest in slight circles, immediately.  With no hesitation.  "Yep!  It's the best of both worlds!"  I say.  "Yes it sure is!"  Conan says.  He grins.  And when he gets it all over, he asks in a quiet, caring tone of voice, "Is that good?"  He asks.  "Yes, I think you got it all over."  I say.  "Okay good."  He says.  Then he washes his hands, and I wash mine.  Then he places his hands behind my ears, and starts to kiss me slowly.  We move our lips in sync completely.  It felt amazing.  No tongue this time, just lips.  His was moisturized.  And kinda rubbery.  Perfect lips.  They glided against mine.  He felt in a very intimate mood.  It was sweet.  So he asks "Do you wanna go cuddle?"  "Of course, baby! I Would love to cuddle!"  I say.  So we crawl into bed, and we have our arms securely against each other's.  Conan I think needed it most, because it seemed to calm his stress, and worries.  He seemed happy and at peace as we lay there.  He rested his head on my chest, and ended up falling asleep just minutes later.  I just played with his hair for a bit as he slept.  Then I also ended up falling asleep.  For about an hour.  Then I just continue watching Conan sleep, and I squeezed him to be a little closer to me.  I didn't wake him up by doing that, thankfully.  I don't want to disrupt his sleep, if I don't have to.  The babies are not crying, so they don't need anything at the moment.  So I turn on the TV to a low volume.  I turn on "The Golden Girls."  One of my favorite shows.  I sat there for a good 45 minutes before Conan woke up from his nap.  "Hey baby.  Did you sleep well?  It seems like it."  I say.  "Yeah I did, thank you.  Did you end up falling asleep?"  Conan asks.  "I did.  I ended up sleeping for about an hour.  Maybe a little longer.  You fell asleep before me, and I woke up about an hour ago.  So it's been about 2 and a half hours of sleep for you.  I'm happy about that.  You really needed it."  I say.  "Yeah, I did.  Although I didn't even realize it.  I guess when you really need sleep the body will make you do that.  It's amazing."  Conan says.  "Yeah, I'm glad you fell asleep.  That's important.  And you're my baby.  I care about you a lot."  I say.  "I know you do.  And I care about you a lot.  I think maybe all the worrying about you got me really exhausted.  So my body was like "okay, get some rest.  It's time for rest!"  Conan says.  "And we can do that all day today.  Rest doesn't mean specifically to sleep.  What do you say we go and curl up on the couch underneath a blanket, and watch some movies or TV shows in the family room?"  I ask.  "That sounds lovely!  And maybe order Pizza!  We can have it delivered."  Conan says, getting excited.  "That sounds fantastic!  And of course have Popcorn, Pop, and some cheesy bread."  I say.  "That sounds perfect!  Great plan!  I like it!"  Conan says.  I smile at him and look at him lovingly.  "Me too.  There couldn't be a more perfect way to spend the day.  Except of course, spending time with our other babies.  We can set them up in their little carriers, in front of the TV."  I say.  "That sounds even better!  Just when I thought it couldn't get better."  Conan says.  "Yeah, I like to try and one up my own ideas."  I say.  "I see that.  So let's get started."  Conan says.  So we grab the babies.  Conan Jr. is just standing up in his crib when we walk into the room. I start recording on my phone to post on social media later. Because it's a new milestone! "So, apparently Conan Jr. can now pull himself up on his own! That's so awesome! Another milestone achieved!" I say in the video. I keep recording and have Conan grab the phone and record as I got closer to the cribs. "HI! You're so adorable! How are you?" I ask the babies. They smile in a way that melts my heart as I get closer. I go to Pick up Conan Jr. first. I hardly ever hold him. Then I go over to Luna's crib, and I place Conan Jr. on one hip. Then I put Luna on the other hip. I then put them both up by my shoulders. I get butterflies. It's so cute holding them close like that. I didn't even mind that they started drooling on me. "Are you guys ready to watch movies?" I ask them. They just smile and giggle. We go into the family room, and set them up. Conan ordered the Pizza, Bacon Stuffed cheesy Bread, and Pop. We play the movie Aristocats first. The babies enjoyed it. They smiled wide and kicked immediately, to the music in the movie. "Aww, they're gonna be just like me. Loving musicals from the start." I say to Conan. "Yeah, I bet! It looks like they like it. I mean I don't understand how they wouldn't like musicals. I love them. They're so much more fun!" Conan says. "I agree! And this movie was the one that got Me into musicals." I say. We spent the day enjoying movies and popcorn and Pizza and all that good stuff.
Next morning: The babies went to sleep a little earlier last night, and actually slept well! So that means Conan and I slept well. Or, at least I did. "Good Morning Conan. How did you sleep?" I ask, stretching as I wake up. "I slept alright. But definitely could have slept a lot better. I was up every hour and a half or so. I'm just anxious about you." Conan says. "Ohhh, Baby. I'm sorry. You're so sweet! This is part of the reason I love you so much. But I worry you aren't getting enough sleep." I say, frowning. "I'll be alright. Just like yesterday, if I need sleep, my body will make me. Will you make me a cup of coffee Please?" Conan asks. "No, because if you drink Coffee, your body won't be able to make you fall asleep. Because you'll have caffeine." I say. Conan tears up. "But it helps with my anxiousness. Whenever I'm anxious, I drink Coffee. And it helps with my depression. You know, I've told you before, when you came into my life, you helped me get rid of my depression. But I do apparently overthink things sometimes, which I'm just now discovering. Because I haven't been anxious about you, because you haven't had anything weird going on when it comes to your health. And there hasn't been a situation where you have been in danger of being injured. And now it's kinda making me depressed." Conan says. "Awww, that's awful! I wish you didn't have to go through depression again, and I'm sorry you're so anxious. But also, Pills can help. We'll go to the doctor, or we'll call them, and see if they will prescribe you pills. One to help you sleep. Not that you need it now. But There are pills you can take at night, to ease anxiety and depression, and help you sleep." I suggest. "I might consider trying it. But also, I'd rather be anxious, than not. Cause then it's like I don't worry at all. I want to worry, because it's something people experience when a loved one is sick or hurt." Conan says, in tears. "But Conan, if you want to be worried, you can still be worried during the day. But I don't want you to lose sleep over it. That's not good for you. Please baby? Just take the pills at night. I don't want you to suffer anxiety and depression at all but I get why you want to. Because yeah, it shows concern and care. So at least take some pills at night, so you can sleep well each night. You don't have to feel anxiety at night." I say. "Okay, I understand that. But also, I feel like night time is the best time to be anxious. The most important time to be aware. Because what if something happens when we're sleeping? I just don't want to have to be too late." Conan says, sobbing. "Ohhh, babyyyy, it will be okay. You gotta sleep at some point. Try not to overthink. Please. I feel so bad that you're going through this." I say. "Don't feel bad, it's not your fault. And what if it won't be okay?" Conan asks. "But what if it IS okay?" I say, pointing it out. "I guess that's a good point. But you just don't know a real response about if something does happen. Because you don't know what could happen." Conan says. "Well neither do you. And I'm saying what if it is okay, because I'm trying to help you learn, don't worry too much, until there's something to worry about. Worrying can do no good. You're literally losing sleep. And it's not good for your emotional or mental state." I say. "You're right. Sorry for being rude by saying you just couldn't come up with a better answer. I appreciate you looking out for me." Conan says. "That's okay baby. You didn't mean for it to be rude. And you're going through a rough time. So it's okay. You may have your moments. You have just as much of a right to have your moments, as I as a woman do." I say. "Okay, thank you for understanding, and letting me have my moments." Conan says. "Of course! You're always allowed to express your feelings. And it's okay to kinda be snappy." I say. "Yeah, I still feel bad though, and I'm upset. I'm having a day and it's only morning. Can we have another day of cuddles please?" Conan asks sweetly, kinda pouting. "Of course baby! We can cuddle! I'll never turn down cuddles." I say. The babies start crying. "Ugh, let's go take care of them. Why don't we feed them yogurt?" Conan asks. "Alright, that sounds good. I think they'll enjoy that." I say. I go to grab them out of their cribs, while Conan prepares their food. I meet him in the kitchen. He has the bowls filled, and I place the babies in their High chairs. Conan sets the bowls on the table of the high chairs, and we start feeding them. They take a little longer this time. And they made a mess. But it's alright. We cleaned them up afterwards, and went to Change their diapers and clothes. We do that and get that done in about another 20 minutes. Conan is a bit irritable. And tearful. He Just wanted to cuddle. So he kinda started to mope around and slouching and groaning. "Baby, are you okay?" I ask, with sympathy.  He gives me a dead glare.  "I know, you're not.  But we'll cuddle In a couple minutes.  Do you want me to call my mom, and have her babysit for the day?  So the day can be focused on you?  Besides, that way we can just cuddle.  We won't have to take care of the babies needs constantly."  I suggest.  "Sure!  That would be nice.  I don't mean to be selfish.  But that does sound great."  "Okay, I'll call my mom right now."  I say.  I pick up my phone and FaceTime my mom.  She picks up instantly.  "Hello, Honey!  How are you?"  "I'm doing pretty good.  Conan, not so much.  He's tired and upset.  And we were wondering, would you be okay with watching the babies for the day?  Conan Just wants Cuddles, and he also didn't sleep last night very well."  I say.  "Aww, of course!  I'll come over right away!  That will be nice for me!  And I'm happy to help any way I can, anytime I can.  If you guys need rest, and just need to focus on yourselves, I will always be willing to be here."  My mom says.  I smile.  "You're the best!  Thank you so much."  I say.  Conan leans on my shoulder, and looks at the camera on FaceTime, and he looks exhausted and visibly upset.  "Aww, hi honey.  I'm sorry you couldn't sleep well, and that you're upset.  Anything specific happening?"  My mom asks him.  "Katie's skin has an Orange tint to it, and it worries me.  The hospital checked her out and said she was fine.  It's been fine.  We got cream, and it hasn't spread.  But I'm worried about if it does spread more over the next couple days.  So I tend to be very alert at Night."  Conan says.  "I'm sure she'll be fine, sweetie.  It isn't the first time this has happened to her.  And it clears up within a few days.  Even without cream.  The cream should speed up the process of it going away."  My mom tells him, assuring him.  "Yeah, that's what she told me.  I just can't help but worry.  I'm not used to this.  This hasn't happened since I've known her.  So it's scary to me."  Conan says.  "I Understand that.  And I appreciate you worrying about my daughter and care about her.  You're so sweet.  But you need rest.  So I'm on my way right now as I said."  My mom tells him.  She opens the car door, closes it, starts the car, and starts driving.  "Alright, I'm gonna be there real soon.  Do you want me to also keep them overnight?"  She offers.  "Oh I don't know if that's necessary.  I'll let you know if we decide.  But just in case, I will pack pajamas for them, and extra diapers, and extra food."  I say.  So Conan and I get up off the couch, to prepare everything needed for their grandma to take care of them.  We get everything ready in the perfect time.  Just when my mom pulled in the driveway.  We take the babies out to the car, and take the bag of their food, diapers, clothes, and all that.  Conan seems even more irritatable.  Kinda like when people get sexually frustrated.  But he's not wanting sex.  Just so desperate for cuddles.  "Okay, you two have a nice, relaxing day."  My mom says.  "Thank you again so much."  We both tell her.  "Again, it's absolutely no problem!"  My mom says, smiling.  She gets them buckled up, we hug my mom, and she gets in the car and leaves.  We head back inside and go to bed.  "Ugh, finally!  We can cuddle!  I need some cuddles SO badly!"  Conan says.  "I know you do.  I'll cuddle you real close and tight.  I'll give you the best cuddles ever!"  I say.  "Good.  You always cuddle nicely with me.  I love cuddles from you.  It helps me feel better.  I'm already happy just thinking about cuddling with you."  Conan says.  "Aww, I'm glad you love my cuddles.  And yeah I see that!  You're smiling!  Look at that.  I love seeing you smile."  I say, smiling back.  "Alright, now let's go snuggle."  Conan says.  We go to our room, and hop into bed.  I wrap my arms tightly around him, and pull him a little closer.  "Ahhh, this feels good."  Conan says.  He rests his head on my chest, and I move my arms from his middle back, to his upper back, closer to his shoulder blade.  He wraps his arms around me as well.  It feels so good.  And I feel him breathing on my chest.  He finds comfort in feeling me breathe, and hearing my heartbeat.  It's soothing to him.  We enjoy the cuddles.  I rub his shoulder blade with my thumbs only.  And then a little bit on the back of his neck.  We just kinda talked.  He kinda mumbled because he was too tired to speak normally.  It was cute.  And then, he ended up falling asleep.  I get on Snapchat and record.  I rub his cheek with my thumb and all that.  I kiss him on the forehead.  It stopped recording a minute later, because it can only record up to 60 seconds.  I caption it: "My poor baby is so tired.  He's precious though.  He just fell asleep in my arms within about a half hour.  He really needs his sleep.  And it melts my heart that I am able to soothe him to sleep.  I love my baby.💖🥰💞💗  He has my heart.  And I have his."  I say.  I save it.  And I consider posting it.  But didn't want to because I don't know if he is comfortable with that.  So I Think I will just keep it to myself to enjoy, and melt over.  I'm not tired at all, because I slept good.  So I just lay there and watch him sleep.  I wanted to make sure he stayed asleep.  He is sound asleep.  He even starts snoring softly a while into the nap.  It's so adorable.  Conan Wakes up 2 and a half hours later.  "I have to pee."  He says.  "Okay, baby."  I say.  "Will you go with me?  I don't wanna be away from you.  I feel very clingy."  Conan says, sweetly.  "Yeah!  I'll go with you!  I love it when you're clingy."  I say.  "Good, because I might be pretty clingy for as long as this goes on."  Conan says.  "That's totally fine!  I absolutely love it!  It melts my heart when you get clingy.  Like you just don't want to let me out of your sight."  I say.  "Yeah, I just need you.  At all times.  You provide me with comfort.  You are my comfort crowd."  Conan says.  "Yep.  I'm here for life.  I'll never leave your side.  I'll be your comfort crowd forever.  The song, Comfort Crowd, you told me you wrote about Ashley.  About how you missed her.  And how when you moved out of Texas, to LA, it was hard for you.  Especially since you hadn't made any friends here.  Which is sad.  So you were alone.  That will never happen now that we're together."  I say sweetly.  "I know, And I'm very grateful for that!  You're the best comfort crowd there could ever be!"  Conan says.  "I'm happy to be your comfort crowd.  And you're always my comfort Crowd."  I say.  "That's how it should be in relationships.  It should never be one way."  Conan says.  "Yeah, unfortunately it's not this way in every relationship.  So we're lucky to have a two way relationship."  I say.  "Yeah, it's golden When you've got a relationship like ours.  We gotta hold on tight to it.  Never let it go."  Conan says. "Absolutely. Letting go of our relationship would be so beyond impossible." I say. "I'm glad. Because I don't know how I could live if you just didn't exist in my life anymore. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you." "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you too. So don't you ever worry about that." I say sweetly. So he says "anyways, you distracted me. Now I have to pee really badly. Let's hurry." Conan says. So I say "oh, okay. Sorry." And hop out of bed quickly. I follow him into the bathroom. He pulls down his pajama pants, and his boxers. He apparently really had to go, because a lot came out. He finished up and washed his hands. I put my hand in his, cause I felt like he needed it. We held hands on the way back to the room. And we crawled back into bed, and we wrapped our arms around each other. He fell asleep for another hour. He woke up again, for good. And we just cuddled. He says "Hey, I think it sounds nice to Just have your mom keep the kids overnight. That way we don't have to go get them tonight, and your mom doesn't have To drive here, and us still having to grab them and the bag from the car. Mostly cause we don't wanna inconvenience your mom." Conan says. "Alright, I think it does sound kinda nice. I feel kinda bad. I know I'll also miss them like crazy. But you need to just have cuddles all day and night, and also, we are allowed to have breaks. That's what my mom is here for. And my dad of course. And although I feel bad to say it, I do need a break from the kids. I would like to not have to get up constantly, throughout the day. And it's okay. My mom needed breaks from time to time, so I'd go to my grandmas house for the night." I say. "Exactly baby. As I said, you're a great mom! It's okay to kinda feel the need for a break." Conan says sweetly. So I call my mom. "Hey, Conan and I have decided, you can keep the babies overnight." I say. "AHH! I'm so excited! Yayyy! Enjoy your break!" My mom says. "Thank you! We will! I think we honestly need it, as much as I feel bad saying that. But Conan has assured me, sometimes it's okay to need a break. And that I'm a great mother!" I say to my mom. "Oh yeah, honey. I understand that feeling though. But you are absolutely a great mom! And you definitely deserve a break. You work so hard, and I know from personal experience, it can be exhausting! It's worth it though. But your kids will never think of you as a horrible mother because you need a little break from time to time." My mom says. "Thanks, mom. Also, how have they been? Have they been good?" I ask. "Yeah, they're playing right now. They took a pretty good nap earlier! From the car ride I assume." My mom says. "Yeah, that's good! I'm glad they're being good." I say. "So how did Conan sleep? Did he get any sleep?" She asks. "Yep! For 3 and a half hours total! It makes me happy. And now we're gonna just enjoy our day cuddling, and maybe either eating leftover Pizza or getting something else for Takeout." I say. "That sounds like a good plan!" She says. "Yep, it's gonna be a good day. Thanks again so much for watching them." I say. "Oh honey it's no problem! I'm very happy to watch them!" She says. "I know. But it's things like this that is really appreciated. By both of us!" I say. We continue talking for another 10 minutes or so. She says "alright well I'll let you go now. Have a good rest of your day, and a good night tonight! I love you!" She says. "I love you too!" I say. Conan pops his head in and says "Love you!!" My mom smiles. "I love you too Conan!" She says. She hangs up. So we spend the rest of our day enjoying cuddles, no more naps from Conan. It was really nice. He looked tired though. He looked exhausted in fact. It's 6:45 in the afternoon now. We decided to get McDonald's. So we went through the drive thru. Also I'm spoiled, so Conan got me Tim Horton's, because I wanted a chocolate TimShake! He made a special trip, so I could get a refreshing Chocolate TimShake! My fiancé is so incredible! So I thanked him multiple times. We got home with our food. I got a Cheeseburger from McDonald's, and a Medium Fry. We set up a mini tray on the bed, and watched some TV. I picked the show. "You know what? I think you need a good laugh. How about we watch Mr. Bean?" I ask. "Sure! I've never seen that show! And if you think it will help, we will watch it." Conan says. So we watch some episodes, he is just cracking up! The whole time! It definitely cheered him up. He was in a great mood! I think the nap really made a difference, and then combined with the laughter, he felt good! Which made me feel good. We also watched some Episodes of The Pink Panther. Such as "Prehistoric Pink", "A Pink Tale Fly", some construction ones, and more of the ones that are most hilarious. He has seen Pink Panther. We took turns picking the episodes. Eventually, it is 8:30, and we're ready for bed. "Did you enjoy the cuddles today?" I ask. "Yes, of course! It was the best part of my day! I love you so much!" Conan says. "Good! You'll never hear a complaint from me about cuddling. And I love helping you feel better. And I love you too so much!" I say. "Well I love you so much more!" Conan says. "I love you most!" I say. "Yay! You win!" Conan cheers. We laid there cuddling and rubbing each other's cheeks and backs and hair, and soon we fell fast asleep.
The next day: We woke up, and Conan didn't have a smile on his face, as he had seen that the orange tint had spread. I didn't know when we were laying in bed together, until I asked "What's wrong?" "Your skin is turning more orange! It's spreading!" Conan says, beginning to cry. His voice was shaky. "Ugh, Really? That sucks! And I hate that it upsets you! Also, let's call the doctor right now. Have him maybe prescribe you some medicine to help with depression and anxiety. That will also help you sleep." I say. "Okay, thank you." Conan says. "Well honey, it's no problem! Making sure you're doing okay is my top priority." I say. "I appreciate that. And I hope it will help me." Conan says. "I hope so too. This is the 3rd day this week you've been a nervous wreck." I say, showing concern. "I know, it's miserable. At least I have you though to calm me down." Conan says. So we call the doctor. "Hi, Conan has been having a hard time sleeping, because he has anxiety the past few days. And he's depressed. Can you give him something for that?" I ask. "I have something to help with all of that." He prescribes him a 30 mg. Pill. That will ease his anxiety, and depression, and help him sleep at night. "That should be ready to be picked up by around 1:30 at Walgreens." The doctor says. "Okay thank you so much!" I say. "You're welcome! You guys take care now!" He says. "Thank you, you too!" We say. And hang up. "Alright, we'll go around 1:10 to go to get the medicine." I say. I go to the bathroom, and Conan follows me. Because you know, he's still clingy. When I lift up my shirt, so I don't accidentally let my shirt slip underneath the toilet bowl, Conan is extremely alarmed. And so was I. He sees my side is very dark orange. He says "oh no! We need to get you to the hospital immediately. And ONE THAT WILL DO THEIR JOB OF TAKING CARE OF YOU! They will earn their money!" Conan says, starting to freak out more. I text my mom. "Hey, I hope you don't mind. You might have to keep the babies for a few extra days. Conan is taking me to the hospital. My skin is turning even more orange. Something might actually be wrong." "It's no problem honey! But please keep me updated! I'm worried about you! I hope everything's alright!" My mom responds immediately. "I will. I'm sorry to worry you." I say. "That's alright. I appreciate you letting me know you're going to the hospital. And I get some extra time with the babies. My mom responds. It is 12:45 currently, so we decide to go to Walgreens first. We go through the drive through. They did indeed have it available. So we picked it up. Figured he'd definitely need it tonight if I have to stay at the hospital.
We get to the hospital and It was a bit of a wait again. Not as long as at the other hospital though. But Conan starts to get a bit impatient. "ugh! Can't you SEE my fiancé is turning orange?! Could you hurry up Please?!" Conan says, kind of raising his voice. "Sir, just be patient a little longer. We are doing the best we can. They're moving people out of their rooms, and discharging them to go home." The lady says, very calmly. Conan sighs feeling bad. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my patience. And it was no reason to lose my temper or be rude." Conan says, sincerely, and feeling ashamed. You could hear it in his voice. "Hey, that's okay. If it were my husband or child, or any loved one, I would do the same. Even if I know this is Just the way hospitals work. You like to think she's most important and that this hospital revolves around her. Because she is your number one Priority. And you don't want people to make you wait. So I get it." The lady says back to Conan. "Well thank you for understanding. You get exactly how I feel! It doesn't quite justify my behavior. I'll do better." Conan says to the lady. "Okay, we'll get you into a room as soon as we can. Just go sit down." The lady says. "Okay, will do. And I appreciate that you'll do the best you can to get her in quickly." Conan says. He sits back down next to me. 15 minutes later, he starts to tear up, and breathes out making kind of a horse noise. I reach my arm out to hug him. And with one hand, I rub his back. Conan turns his head and buries his face in my chest. I keep my one arm across his back, pulling him closer and hugging him a little tighter. I bring my other arm across his back too, and reach my hand up to his head. I run my hands through his hair soothingly. "Shhh, shhh, I know. It's scary and upsetting. We're gonna find out what's wrong, if anything. And they'll actually take care of it. But I get how hard it can be. We have to wait in here, to get a room. And then they have to give me a bunch of tests to narrow down possibilities of what it could be. And then we have to wait for the results. Hospital trips are just big waiting games. It sucks. More so for you, which I hate seeing you go through this." I say, whispering, and then I kiss the top of his head. The nurse finally calls us back. She takes us to a room, and gets us situated.  Conan and I sit in the hospital room.  Conan is full of anxiety.  He keeps hyperventilating, and crying and breathing hard.  I hold out my hand to him, and I tell him "Squeeze it."  "I don't want to break your hand.  And I will if I squeeze your hand.  I guarantee it."  Conan says.  "Conan, Don't worry about that.  I doubt you will even break it.  Besides, you're so gentle when it comes to me.  So I bet you'd squeeze just a little bit. Much less hard than you think you will.  If you prefer, you could hold my hand, for comfort, and you can come crawl into the bed with me, and I'll hold you close to me."  I Say.  Conan nods his head, and says "Yeah, that sounds good.  I can agree to that."  Conan says, through sobs.  I breathe in deeply, and sigh, breathing out.  "Alright.  Come on, Come here.  I hate seeing you like this.  I will do whatever I can to make sure you are comforted."  I Say.  My voice is weak because of sympathy for him, and worry.  Conan lays down next to me, and soaks my gown. I'm fine with that.  He grabs my hand.  I then softly say "Now rest your head on my chest."  So he does, and I place my hand on the side of his head, pulling it closer.  And partially covering his ear.  I slowly rub his head, swirling and twirling his hair.  Within a few minutes, his tears start to slow down, as well as his breathing.  "I hope you're okay... It scares me to think, what if it is something serious?  And we couldn't get the help we needed soon enough?  Because those so called DOCTORS just inspected your skin.  That doesn't do shit when it comes to determining exactly what's wrong."  Conan says, getting himself all worked up again.  Then he continues: "But thanks for encouraging me to lay down next to you, and hold your hand.  Your touch is so soothing.  It's like I feel instant relief from stress or sadness or anger, etc."  Conan Says.  "I know.  Because you love me.  So It's gonna always be hard to not think of the worst.  But also that's not good.  And yeah, that was bad on the hospitals part.  But we are in good hands now.  They sat me down.  So that's a good start.  That means they'll do tests.  We just might have to wait a while.  And you're welcome!  I'm glad I'm able to calm you down in times like this!  I worry about you when you get so upset or anxious.  I'm honestly worried more about you and your anxiety, than I am about myself."  I say.  "I don't want you to die!  I don't want to lose you!  I hate the thought of that!  But yeah, you're right.  At least we have ACTUAL, hard working doctors!  And don't worry so much about me."  Conan says, crying harder again and gasping for air.  "I feel sick."  Conan says.  "Yeah, me too.  I am feeling exactly how you're feeling.  I feel bad that you are thinking about such things.  Listen, if it helps, Whatever is wrong, it will be fixed.  With medication of some kind.  And if it is something serious, I promise I am not going anywhere!  I'm going to fight for you, the babies, and myself.  But I guarantee there's nothing seriously wrong.  And I can't help but worry about you!  Just like you can't help but worry about me.  Those are some pretty terrifying, depressing thoughts you have there.  I don't want you to become depressed.  Or even for your anxiety to be through the roof.  Or for you to be extremely sad, beyond my imagination.  I feel sick knowing your thoughts.  I feel an Intense nausea, and a gut wrenching feeling.  So I'm sure that's how you feel.  It's like I feel your Anxiety.  I didn't know  you thought that."  I Say.  Conan grips my hand a little tighter and rubs it.  "I'm glad you'll fight for me and the kids, as well as yourself.  If there is a life threatening medical condition.  And I know, it's just SO hard not to worry and think that.  Because if something were to happen to you, I don't know what I'd do without you!  My life would change for the worst!  I have faith though that it will be okay.  I already had a rough life from the day I was born.  I think my suffering is over ever since I met you.  And yep, the anxiety and emotions are causing that exact feeling, Nausea and honestly even physical pain in my chest."  Conan says.  "I know.  I would fight for my life especially because I know how you would take that.  You wouldn't take that well at all.  You'd probably be depressed more than you have ever been in your entire life combined, and I'd never want to see you go through that.  I would want you to move on.  Like, grieve over me, but not that hard.  And there would be no way I could fix your depression if I passed away.  And that would hurt me more than you could think.  And then, I'll live for the babies, because I want them to grow up with a mother.  And I'd live for myself because I love my life.  Which, my love for my life has been upgraded since I met you, and the babies came along!  And I'm sorry you're experiencing physical pain.  Why don't you actually take your anxiety medication, that the doctor prescribed you?  And why didn't I think of that earlier?"  I Say.  "Yeah, I can't even imagine my life without you!  I don't want to.  It's too sad to think about!  I feel so bad for the people who have to actually live without their loved ones.  And that's okay.  The pain will go away eventually, and so will the nausea.  And you know what, that's a great idea!  I will get the pill bottle right now."  Conan says, sitting up, letting go of my hand and going over to the bag.  He pulls out the bottle and checks the label.  "Take one every 8 hours, while symptoms last."  "I hope it works!"  I Say.  "Me too.  I really need anxiety relief!"  Conan says.  He takes one.  Then he comes to lay back down with me.  He puts one of his arms underneath my back, and pressed his head on my chest.  "I hope it works fast."  Conan says.  "Me too.  I want you to be calm.  And hopefully the anxiety meds will silence the sad, scary thoughts."  I Say.  "That would be nice."  Conan says.  The nurse walks in a few minutes later.  "Hi, I'm here to give you one of the medical tests."  She says.  "Okay. Thank you!" I Say. "Yes, thank you. It's comforting that you are testing her for different things, and are actually doing your job to give her the best care possible, to get her better as fast as possible." Conan says, feeling grateful. "Well you're very welcome! I'm happy to do my job!" She says smiling. The test takes a few minutes, then she leaves to take care of other patients.
Some time goes by, and it is now mid afternoon. More towards the evening. They take me for a scan. An X Ray. A group of people come in to wheel me away. They tell us before hand. "Okay, we're gonna take you to the Room where we do the X rays. Sir, you're gonna have to stay here." They Say. "What?! NOOO! Please don't make me stay here! I want to be with her!!! I'm WORRIED about her!" Conan says. He freaks out again and sobs. My eyes feel heavy with sympathy and sorrow. I place my hand in Conan's and say "Hey, listen, look at me. It's gonna be okay. I'll be back." I Say. "Can someone please stay with Conan please?" I ask. "Yeah, sure. I can do that." One of the nurses says. They Wheel me away. "Hey, Conan, I love you." I Say quickly, and my hand slowly slips out of his hand. "I love you too." Conan says, his voice weak and cracking. The nurse stayed behind as she said she would.
Nurse: "Hey, Hey, it's gonna be okay. It's Just a test. But I get not wanting to separate from her. Especially when you don't have answers. But tests, are the way to FIND the answers.
Conan: "Exactly! I'm so scared and worried about her! Especially because this one hospital we went to, the nurse didn't do any tests. They just looked at her body. They gave us a cream and had us leave. If it IS something serious, I'm worried about how late we are to figure it out." Conan explains to the nurse.
Nurse: "It's never too late if she's still here, Alive. If it is something serious, it was just delayed timing to figure out the answer. And we can take care of whatever it is. It's better late than never."
Conan: "Yeah, I like that! You made a good point. She is still here, so it is not too late. But I am pissed at the hospital for not giving us proper care and attention. I'm suing them. And sometimes you can find out too late, and the person ends up dying. Even with treatment." Conan says.
The nurse nods and listens, giving him caring, sympathy eyes. "Mhm, right. That's terrible! I'm so sorry they treated you guys like that. If it were my family, i'd TOTALLY sue the hospital for not treating my family in the way that they should. And that's right, there are some cases where it is too late. But usually that's when it's cancer or something. Whatever her case is, it's most likely to be a good outcome. Just stay strong, and stay positive. And know that we are doing all we can to help." She says.
Conan: "Yeah, my fiancé deserves to be cared for in the proper way! But, I guess, nobody loves me like I love her. But still, you guys don't love her we much as I do, and you're giving her amazing care! The care she deserves! I appreciate it greatly! To see the importance of her health. And yeah, I sure hope in her case, it's not too late."
A half hour goes by, and I'm still not back in the room.
Conan: "Oh come on! I know It's not their fault it's taking so long. I literally just said earlier that you guys are doing all you can to take care of her. It's just, it's so hard! I'm trying to stay Patient! But the longer I go without her, the harder it is. I love her and I took a pill a bit ago, that the doctor prescribed me. It was working, but I am not that calm if Katie isn't here. Everything is fine if she's here." Conan says, getting worked up again.
Nurse: "I knowwww, I knowwww.... You just need a little more patience. Sometimes it can take up to an hour and a half. It doesn't mean anything happened to her because she's not here yet. But I do get the anxiousness. And I will stay here with you until she gets back. So you can have some company."
"Oh my! I hope it doesn't take an hour and a half. I don't know how I'll survive! I can't stop crying, and my anxiety is through the roof!" Conan says.
Nurse: "Is there someone you can talk to? Like a friend? Or do you have something to remind you of her?" She asks.
"Ooh, I could wear Katie's hoodie! She put it in the bag, when she put the hospital gown on! That might work!" Conan says.
"Well there you go! Do you want me to grab it for you?" The nurse asks.
"Yes please." He says. The nurse grabs it and he puts it on immediately.  "Feel any better?"  The nurse asks, sweetly.  "Not as great as I could feel, if she were here with me.  But I do feel a little better."  Conan says.  "Well, a little better is progress.  And just remember, she's only taking a test.  She'll be back."  The nurse says, again, very sweetly.  Giving him some reassurance.  "I know.  I think I might try to go to sleep now."  Conan says.  "Okay, sweetie.  I'll stay here until your fiancé gets back."  The nurse says.  Minutes later, he falls asleep in the chair.  I came back to the room by then.  "Conan fell asleep like, 10 minutes ago.  And I promised him that I still would stay until you get back.  So I'm gonna head out now."  The nurse says.  "Okay, that's good!  I'm glad he ended up falling asleep.  I think he needs it.  He didn't sleep well last night, and also, most Important to me, is if he's sleeping, he can't feel anxiety.  Also thanks so much for staying here with him while I was getting my X rays done.  Even after he fell asleep.  I appreciate it very much!"  I say.  "That's right!  I think he needs it too.  And he could have been sleeping longer.  It wasn't until he grabbed your hoodie that he calmed down just a bit, and fell asleep.  And you're welcome!  I would never leave someone who is under such horrible conditions!  He couldn't stop crying, and hyperventilating.  Even with my comfort.  I did the best I could.  I'm sorry I couldn't calm him down."  The nurse says.  "Aww, it melts my heart.  It's so cute and sweet he can fall asleep just by having my hoodie on.  And don't apologize for not being able to calm him down.  That's not the reason I wanted you here with him.  It was to simply make sure he is not alone.  And just talk with him, and listen to his worries and everything on his mind.  I was afraid of what he might do if he was alone.  He would completely lose his mind.  And the anxiety would probably spiral far more out of control, than it did when you were here.  He probably would have screamed and maybe had a heart attack or something."  I say.  "Yeah, when I told him it could last an hour and a half, which was about a half hour into you being gone for tests, he said he didn't know if he could survive that long.  Because of his anxiety being through the roof.  So there is a possibility he might have had a heart attack or something, because of all the anxiety and stress.  I'm grateful I was able to suggest something that reminds him of you.  That's when he grabbed the hoodie, and he was still crying, but he did feel better he said.  The hyperventilating kinda slowed down, and eventually he wasn't crying, and his breathing was normal.  And it's really sweet you were worried about him being alone, and how he'd handle being away from you.  You guys care about each other so much!  It's so amazing to see!  Although a little heartbreaking to see Conan be that upset."  The nurse says.  "Yeah, it's hard seeing him so worried like this.  I'm sure it's fine.  He thinks it's not fine.  And no matter how many times I assure him, it's probably fine, he can't seem to get rid of his fears."  I say, sad just thinking about it.   "Alright, yeah that can be hard to see.  I'm glad he's alright now though, since he's sleeping.  And I have to go now.  You have a good night."  The nurse says.  "Thank you, you too! Have a wonderful night!"  I say as she leaves. So I just relax, and watch Conan. I keep an eye on him as he sleeps. About 45 minutes later, he starts squirming and fussing and crying. He screams a little in his sleep. "Conan, wake up." I say, out loud. "CONAN! Wake up!" I shout, and he is alarmed. He gasps. "You're HERE! You're alive! I had a dream that you didn't make it! And you passed away on the X ray table!" Conan says, sobbing. "So, I guess I didn't realize, Anxiety can exist still even when you're asleep. It comes in the form of a nightmare. I'm sorry! Come here, come lay with me. And I think you need to not use the pills. Clearly they aren't helping." I say, disappointed. I tear up. "Oh, hey, baby! Don't cry. It's okay." He says, as he crawls into the bed with me. "No it's not! I want you to not suffer horrible anxiety! I want you to get sleep! I want you to not cry so much! Like literally the nurse said you cried and hyperventilated a lot while I was getting the X rays done. She said you cried the whole time, but she made you stop hyperventilating because you got close to passing out a few times." I say, sobbing. "You're my medicine! You make me feel better." Conan says. "No. Not enough! Because when we were home, you couldn't sleep at night! So I might help make you feel better, but I'm a low dose. I can't do everything pills should do! And the pills don't even work!  You know how much it hurts my heart, to see you suffer like this?  I know I've said that so many times.  But it's true!  I can not stress it enough how bad it hurts.  Knowing you are a sobbing mess whenever I am gone, hurts.  And the fact that I can only do so much to help you feel better, in your presence hurts!  And the fact you don't even have a medicine to help ease the other 97% of sadness and worry, hurts!"  I say.  "BABE !  Babe!  Don't say that!  That 'I don't help enough.'  To me, you actually help 10%!  And any amount of help is a lot better than no help at all.  Okay?  You hear me?"  Conan asks.  "Yes, but"  I say, but Conan cuts me off.  "No buts.  I'm glad you understand.  And that you're listening."  I grind my teeth, and clench my jaw, getting angry.  "But YOU'RE not listening to ME!  You just cut me off!"  I snap.  "Well I don't want to hear any buts!  Because when you say But, that means you still feel bad for not helping enough.  You don't have to help me 100% all of the time!"  Conan snaps back.  "But, to me, I know because you told me, I helped make you feel 100% better, when we met.  And that I cured your depression!  So the fact that this situation is bringing the depression back, is hard to handle.  I feel like I need to keep you 100% okay, all of the time.  Even now, so I feel like I'm not doing a very good job.  And thank you for letting me actually talk and finish what I have to say, rather than cutting me off."  I say, as I lay there sobbing.  Conan sobs harder than he already was.  "See?  I do not want you to feel that way!  That really breaks my heart!  Shatters it to pieces!  I didn't realize it was that hard on you!  And I'm sorry for cutting you off, it was very rude!  Talking about how you feel, is helpful, so you DON'T feel bad."  Conan says.  "That's okay, baby.  I know you didn't mean it.  Besides, I get it.  You're already going through enough emotions and anxiety.  I am glad we talked about it though.  Thank you for letting me."  I say.  "It's not okay.  The fact I have anxiety and depression is NO excuse! You could have felt worse if you didn't tell me exactly how you felt.  It would just build up and up.  I almost caused YOU depression.  By the way, If it helps, you should know, it's not your fault I'm beginning to be depressed again.  The worry is beating me down."  Conan says. "You're doing it again. Just like last week, with the first argument. How your stress and anxiety is no excuse. I understand how you feel that way. But I feel like it's fine, because you didn't want to know exactly how I felt, because it would make you more sad than you already are. It's fine, it's not a big deal. You did end up listening to me after I got angry at you for not letting me talk first. And I know it's not my fault that you're becoming depressed again. I just hate seeing you so sad. And when I'm not helping to prevent it, I feel like I'm failing. Even though it's beyond my control. But do you see how I feel this way?" "Yeah, but, you should be able to let out your feelings! If I can, so can you! It's only fair!" Conan says, raising his voice from him being angry with himself for not letting me talk. Then he continues "And yes, I do completely understand how you could feel that way. Because you took away my depression In the first place. So to see me go through it again, as we're still together, it makes you feel like you're doing something wrong. But just PLEASE know, you are not at all failing!" Conan says. "You know, I was just about to press my fingers to your lips to stop you from talking any further when you said "yeah but", because I don't want you to feel bad when you don't need to. It's okay. And when I was about to shush you, I remembered how I felt minutes ago, when you stopped me when I said "But" I am not gonna be a hypocrite. We need to let each other express exactly how we feel, and why we feel these ways. And thanks, Conan. I appreciate that you told me I'm not failing. I feel better after talking out these feelings with you. And I hope you do too." I say, sweetly. "I do feel better. Communication really is key. And I appreciate you not cutting me off when you really wanted to." He says.