A Boy Named Conan

Getting a Diagnosis, Getting proper treatment, and conan blames himself more

               The nurse woke us up, to inform us of the results of the tests.  "Alright, how are we doing today?"  The nurse asks.  "Pretty okay.  Although we are tired."  I say.  "And I'm worried!"  Conan says, mumbling.  I wrap an arm around his shoulders and say "ohh, Baby.  It will be okay."  I say, assuring him.  I feel so bad.  "So, I don't have the greatest news.  But the treatment is simple.  And we will keep you in the hospital until it clears up."  The nurse says.  Conan tears up already, when the nurse said the news isn't the greatest.  I rub his back, as we await the news.  "You have a case of Jaundice.  It typically occurs in babies, but sometimes adults can get it.  And usually the skin is yellow, but other times it can be orange.  Which is the case with you.  Yellow is if it's minor.  Cheeto orange is when it gets worse.  We will put you under treatment right away!  It starts with these vitamins.  Jaundice, is typical in healthy babies.  It's a type of livers inefficiency to process blood cells.  But In adults, it could mean liver disease.  Again, treatable.  And it might not be liver disease for you.  We'll do tests for that, too.  Now that we know it's Jaundice.  But we're gonna do all we can, to get you well, as FAST as we can.  Just as soon as we see your sides turn like a pale yellow, you will be considered well enough to go home.  Another thing is, drink lots of water.  That helps too."  The nurse says. "Okay, thanks so much for giving us answers! And taking the time to FIND answers. We REALLY appreciate it." I say. "You're welcome! It's our job and we're happy to do it!" She says, smiling. Conan told her "yeah, well sadly, at a different hospital we went To, they didn't give any tests. Or try." Conan says. "Oh my! That's horrible! It shows that we care about our patients! We aren't here for the money, or at least I'm not. And neither are my friends here. We actually are here to make people feel better. You'll be fine. It seems scary, what you're going through, but there's been SO many cases like this. Just as bad as yours. And they've all been treated." The nurse says, assuringly. "Well that definitely makes me feel a lot better." I say. "Well good! You are in our hands! We care for you like you're family!" The nurse says. "I appreciate that!" I say. So the nurse leaves, and Conan cries harder. He tightened his fist, and puts it against his lips. He breathes so hard. "Conan, It's gonna be okay. They'll cure me! I'm fine! Remember what she said, there have been many cases, and they all were cured! I promise I'll live!" I Say. I hold him close and tight. Conan gasps for air. "I HATE that I didn't bring you to the hospital as soon as you got the orange tint in your skin! I KNEW something was wrong! I felt it in my gut! And I let you and your mom convince me it was fine! What a horrible Fiancé! I should do everything I can to make sure you're okay! And safe, and healthy! And I ignored my gut, because you and your mom convinced me that it was fine, because it has happened before! I do trust you'll be fine, but what if we waited any longer, and you couldn't make it? It would be all my fault!" Conan says, through sobs. I sigh. "Alright, that's enough. You and I have been beating ourselves up way too often the past few days! Let's take a breather, and remember, we are honestly doing the best we can for each other! Sure, I might not be able to stop depression from ever happening again with you. But just by cuddling with you and loving you, and being here and talking to you, comforting you, I am doing all I can! I'm doing my best. And same with you. You still were worried about me, even after we convinced you I was fine. And you still were losing sleep over me, and everything.  And obviously, you figured against your gut, it is fine, because I've experienced orange skin many times and it would spread.  I think I may have had jaundice all those times, but it just healed itself.  This time, it just needs a little push, for help."  "I should have told you 'We need to go to the hospital, I feel like something is REALLY wrong.'  I just went with what you said.  Now I know for next time, if you say you've had something happen before, and I have a GUT feeling it's different this time, I HAVE to go against what you say.  And take you to the hospital.  It's gonna take a lot more than just taking a breather. I appreciate you trying to help though."  Conan says. "No. I don't want you to do this to yourself! And HEY! You did something right! When you noticed the orange tint on my boobs, you told me not to have them drink my breast milk. Which is a great idea! Because now, they won't get Jaundice!" I Say, hoping it will comfort him. Then I continue: "And exactly! You know for next time. And I know for next time, I should just let you take me to the freaking Hospital. You were right, AND it would have saved you so much stress! So also it's partially my fault. Because I told you to stop worrying, and that it would be okay! I thought I was doing what was best! Hoping to ease your mind and fears by assuring you it's happened to me multiple times before! But It also didn't work, now did it? If even on the second or third day of you being Anxious, it wouldn't be as bad. And you wouldn't beat yourself up so much, I hope. But, we can't redo everything. We CAN change the way we react to this in the future though. If I get orange tint again, maybe a few months from now or years from now, and you tell me you are worried, I will know, you're most likely right, and we will go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY. And even if you end up being wrong, it wouldn't be a bad thing to let you make sure, I am indeed one hundred percent fine!" I Say. "Yeahhh, that's, that's true.... But you're the one who carried those babies in your belly for 9 months! I should protect my babies, as well as you! You matter as much to me as them, if not more! I say you mean as much, because when you gave birth to our lovely babies, my love for you grew! They grew inside of you for 9 months! And They're like the mini versions of us! It made me love you even More! Point is, you're my absolute top priority. Especially when it comes to being safe. And healthy. For me, cause I don't know how I'd live without you, and for the babies. I want them to have a mom. Thankfully they will have a mom, cause we got to the hospital. A little late, but not too late. But I'm just saying, if I went with my gut, it wouldn't be as bad. And I don't have to have this stomach turning feeling, from fear. The fact it is so dark, on your sides, that horrifies me! But you're right. We'll know for next time. This has been a learning opportunity. I guess I can start looking at this time as that. And I thought we were done with the blame game. And the guilt. And yeah, I know. I appreciate you doing what you felt was best. Even if it didn't turn out to be best. You tried, because you care. I however DIDN'T try to argue to get you to be convinced we should go to the hospital. But I like the little pep talk. That in the future, we can change how we react to this type of situation." Conan says. "I know I'm your top priority. And you're my top priority. If you're upset, or sick, I will do all I can to make you feel better. Always! Now that I know the most I can do is letting you take me to the hospital. I did the best I could this time, to my knowledge. Now I know it wasn't enough. I will next time let you take me to the hospital, AND comfort you while we're here.  And I'm not gonna Die from this, but I'll tell you, if It WERE too late, and I didn't make it, you would live for the babies.  They're our mini versions as you said.  And if you would want them to have a mother, you certainly would want them to have a father.  But I know it would be hard.  I can't IMAGINE what it would feel like if I lost you.  And it might be sad to think about, like with you thinking if I was gone, but it's a reality for some people.  So when something scary happens, you're gonna put yourself in someone else's shoes.  You tend to imagine if that happened to you.  I do that all the time.  But it's SO unhealthy!  So you, stop thinking about it.  I'm not dying.  You don't have to live without me, and the babies don't have to grow up without a mom.  And I know, it scares me too, I am not gonna lie.  It's scarily dark.  But they themselves had said they've seen cases like this.  So I know it will be okay.  I hope sooner rather than later.    And yeah, we WERE done with the blame game and guilt.  Until you blamed yourself again.  So it's not done.  Not until you're done.  Which is fine, baby.  It's really nice to have this conversation.  It feels good to get our feelings out.  And to listen to each other.  It's really healthy.  But please don't beat yourself up so much.  You did your best.  Even if you didn't argue, you were worried.  And you honestly didn't know what to do.  But you did the best you could."  I say calmly.  "Okay, so I think we've figured it all out."  Conan starts and I say "Okay, so we're good?"  I ask.  "Yeah, we're good."  Conan says.  Still sounding sad, but that's to be expected.  He's just going through a rough time.  This is harder on him than it is for me.  "Okay, good.  I can tell in your voice and facial expression, you're not quite okay.  I'm glad it's not from guilt though.  I'm just happy about that."  I Say.  I pull him into me a bit, and kiss him on the forehead sweetly.  He continues responding to what I said.  "Also yeah, it is so hard to not imagine what it would be like to lose you.  My god I hope I never get to find that out!  And you're right, I didn't know what to do.  Which is horrible!  I love you and I should know exactly what to do when situations like this happen!  But just know I thought about What I could do or say to convince you to let me bring you here.  I just didn't know.  So I laid in your arms for those few days, taking in the comfort.  I was so helpless!"  Conan says.  "I hope you never have to find out either.  And I hope I don't have to find out one day what that would be like.  With age, that's one thing.  Like when we're in our 70's or up, if one of us passes away, we know our time is coming soon anyways.  So it won't be that long.  But we're only in our early 20's right now.  So it would be at least 50 or more years of living without one another, if we passed away anytime soon.  That would be so much harder!  And please stop with the horrible talk.  Your best, was that you tried to figure out what to do or say.  And you're not GONNA know what to do in every situation, all the time!  So, give yourself a break.  Remember I love you, and you are a GOOD Fiancé!  You can only do so much, you are human.  And you weren't helpless.  By any means."  I Say.  "Yeah, I agree.  If one of us dies before the other when we're older, at least we won't have to be without each other for too long.  At least 10 or so years, maybe less.  It would be far too long at this point.  And thank you!  I will stop calling myself horrible, as well as my inability to know what to do.  Thanks for making me realize that trying to come up with things to say or do, was my best.  And that I'm not gonna know what to do every single time.  And for calling me a good Fiancé and telling me I'm loved!"  Conan says that last part crying.  Then he says "Okay, I think I'm done blaming myself.  I might not be done crying.  But I think I've talked out all my feelings of guilt and the reasons for them all.  That felt really good.  We've had two really long conversations in the past two days.  We've had our moments."  Conan Says.  "Good.  I'm glad you'll be done calling yourself horrible and everything.  And that you're done with the guilt.  And it's okay to cry!  This is a scary thing.  And I agree, it's been sad, but great to have such conversations!  I love you so much!"  I Say.  "I love you so much too!"  Conan Says.  "I love you so much more!"  I Say.  "I love you so much most!"  Conan Says.