Brotherly Love

27 * He's Doing Stuff (She's Feeling Thaaangs)

©JRF2016

"So what's the plan guys?" I asked looking back and forth between my brother and Rick. "We head to Fort Benning," Rick said keeping his eyes forward, "Gather supplies along the way, who knows maybe we can find a place before we get there. I just want us to find somewhere safe." We all sat silent staring straight ahead. We all longed for a safe place to call home, again.

My mind kept drifting back to thoughts of Rick this morning standing over the stove fixing us pancakes for breakfast. This man was doing stuff to me that I couldn't really understand. I knew about sex but the only experience I have with it is nonconsensual. To have feelings of sexual attraction for a man is something that I've never had to deal with. No matter how my train of thought started it always ended with him. His smile, his eyes, his disposition. Rick caught me staring and glanced over at me. It was only for a second but timed slowed so much it felt like minutes. My faced flushed when I realized he caught me staring, he was smiling and my face heated up even more. I quickly turned my gaze to the floorboard. He chuckled softly as he tapped his finger on the wheel. He shifted in his seat placing his right hand on the wheel now and leaning over toward the door.

My eyes focused on his boot while my mind replayed the light twinkling in his eye as he smiled at me. The heat wouldn't leave my face and an uncontrollable smile crept onto my face. I kept hoping that no one was looking at me, no one noticed. My eyes slowly scanned up from his boot. He shifted again and now his hand was resting on his thigh. My eyes made it to his fingers. He was rubbing his thumb against his first finger still keeping his eyes on the road. I leaned over putting my head on my brother's shoulder trying to look a little less conspicuous. I could see him so much better from this angle and my head didn't have to move. My eyes travelled further up his arm to the top of his shirt with those top two buttons open exposing he chest. From his exposed chest up his tanned neck and up to his soft lips. I couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like to kiss those lips. To feel those lips on me, touching every single sweet spot on my body. God it was getting so hot inside the cab of this cramped truck. I fidgeted a little in my seat. Finally, my vision narrowed onto his crisp, bright blue eyes still looking straight ahead. There is kindness and love overflowing those eyes. A love I never knew I longed for. "Easy there Rox," Daryl whispered to me with his head lowered like he had fallen asleep, "You're gonna start drooling." I sat up quickly and looked at my brother. That sorry prick was pretending to be asleep but he had that crooked little grin of his stretched across his face. He infuriated me but I was trying not to smile back at him. I punched him in the arm. "Ow!" He whined playfully as his head popped up. Rick leaned up in the seat looking at Daryl then at me. "What's wrong?"
I spun my head around an quickly replied with the only thing I could come up with in that moment, "Daryl was snoring in my ear. I had to wake him up." I looked back at Daryl who was laughing quietly at me. My eyes narrowed and I punched him again. "Ow, Rick tell her to stop." He playfully whined to Rick drawing out the word stop. Rick was laughing now, "What was that for? He's not snoring."

"That was just because," I said.

"Don't make me turn this car around." Rick replied in his most serious dad voice. "Play nice." I was laughing now. Rick moved his right hand over to my knee in a sweet gentlemanly way. One that didn't make me flinch but instead made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. "It's good to see you laughing finally." Daryl agreed as he wrapped an arm around me. I looked down at Rick's hand laying innocently on my knee. Butterflies were fluttering in my stomach now. I smiled up at him and nervously put my hand on top of his giving it a slight squeeze before withdrawing it again and resting my head back on my brother's shoulder.

Pressed against the wall with his hot breath on my neck that same old fear rose up from deep inside my gut. The smell of his sweaty skin thick in my nostrils. The sound of his breathing getting heavier as he pumps faster. The salt from my tears stinging my eyes. I tried to hold them back but they were falling anyway. 'That's my girl.' He said as he finished. It was my father's voice instead of Gorman's. I was in my old bedroom now and curled in the corner. I saw him standing there smiling his face changed from pop back to Gorman. I started shaking and sweating. I can't escape the torment. I'm going to see them in my dreams for the rest of my life, this is never going to end. They're dead and my torture still won't end.

I jump and my eyes fly open as I sit up. "You okay Rox?" Daryl asked rubbing my back as I leaned forward in my seat rocking. I sniffled and wiped the tears from my face as I sat back. "You sure, you're all sweaty?" I shook my head as he pulled me into a hug. "Where are we?" I asked looking around noticing we were stopped. "We're low on fuel," Rick answered as he pulled the door handle swinging it open, "We're going to try to build this place up. Make it work until we can gather enough supplies or figure something better out. Whichever comes first." I nodded sliding over to the edge of the seat. Rick held out his hand to help me out. I hesitated but took his hand as he placed his free hand on my hip and helped me down, smiling.

We all got to work on fortifying the tallest building here. It was an apartment complex, five floors high. We set up spikes across the front and boarded up the whole first floor. No one was staying on the bottom floor so everyone split between the second and fifth floors. Rick with his kids, Michonne, me, Daryl, and Carol took the fifth floor. Beth, Maggie, and Glenn took the fourth floor. Abraham, Rosita, Eugene and Gabriel were on the third floor. Sasha and Tyreese were on the second floor. We all took turns on the roof on watch. There were four apartments on each floor and we cleared all of them before moving what little bit of stuff we had into them. I took a room by myself, Rick took a room with Carl and Judith, my brother and Carol took the third, and Michonne took the last room on our floor. There was some food in several of the apartments that we pit in a central location which we could all share. I worked in silence all day despite Daryl and Rick both trying to engage me. When we were finished I picked out my room and went straight there. I didn't even eat with them. I just wanted to be alone. I stayed in there by myself but I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my pop and Gorman coming for me.