Well What Did You Think?

The Truth

        I hate him! I hate him so much!!! I knew he was a jerk! I knew it from the start! He wasnt worth my time and I wasnt worth his! He was just upset and was at a vulnerable state! This has to have been the worst, most pointless, and most pathetic attempt to have him as a friend. I hate him. And I mean it.

I was texting Ashanti and I asked her if she texted Andrew.  She said yes and showed me what he said. What he said about me. I read it once. I didnt understand. I read ot twice. My dumb brain processed it. He wrote such things. So simple but so hurtful. I remember one text that really got to me. "Why does Kaylyn hang out with me?" Im Kaylyn if you didnt notice. (*Authors note: was Kaylyn the name I used before? Im losing it? Please remind me. I dont even remember the name of my main character.) That stung. Badly. Like my throat had a huge lump. And I didn't feel like crying over that. So I just sat there looking at my phone. I with this lump in my throat, I imagined myself looking like a frog who was choking while trying to croak. I was so mad. Then, it came down on me. I couldn't keep it in. I just let them fall. I was tired of keeping things in and holding them back. I just let it fall. I literally had no emotion for anything. I had no thoughts. I had no confidence. I had no reason to live.

I took a knife that I kept in my room and ran to the kitchen to cut myself. Then to my surprise, my mom was there. Great timing Kay. She looked at me. But not with a worried look. You know, the look your mom would give you if her daughter had a FREAKING KNIFE IN HER HAND!!! But it was blank. You see, my mom isn't the types to tell your feelings to. She will cut you off, judge you, and when she does you dont even feel like talking to here anymore. Then you just feel hopeless.  Like no one in the world can help you. She asked, "what the hell are you doing with a knife? " I said I was returning it back  to the kitchen. She totally bought it.  I lied to her. And if she wasn't there I would problu jad cut myself so mush that I would need to be on plasma to stay alive. I knew it wouldn't work, but I asked my mom if I could stay home tomorrow. She said no. Of course.

I went to the bathroom and forced myself to vomit. I didnt feel like sticking my fingers down my throat, so I took my toothbrush and shoved it down instead. It was effective. I threw up in no time. It felt amazing. I started laughing and I passed pit on the floor. I was peacefully sleeping in the bathroom. The bathroom was always my favorite room.