detonate (ON HOLD)

Chapter Twenty Five

"sometimes love is not enough, and the road gets tough. i don't know why,"

        Nothing. As of that moment, it was all that was left: an utterly soul-consuming type of pain that is only truly felt once or twice in a lifetime. It is a beautifully bizarre kind of heartbreak that is unlike anything else in the world. Its wicked and taunting nature provides you with the ability to feel empty, just empty ― even if it is only to be for a moment. And going along with this type of nothingness, there are no emotions. No defeat can be felt for the failures nor cool, crystal clear water that can fill our lungs as we drown in our own sea of regrets. There was nothing to be felt. It was like your insides had been devoured by a black hole. It was like staring at a black TV screen or a bare wall for hours on end as you were left trying to uncover the smallest sliver of anything left inside of yourself. Just something that can be utilized to cut the chain that weighs you down. And I'm not complete sure why, but I think that moments like that are imperative to our survival as human beings. We don't know how to truly feel without battling through moments of pure nothingness in life.

        And it was because of him that I learned such a lesson in my adolescence. He was the sole reason as to why I knew that glorious dog days of summer disappeared as quickly as they came. That the glory days always end in the blink of an eye. That nothing golden can last forever.

        In my naïve years, I would have gone to great extents to prove the rest of the world wrong. Everything inside of myself wanted to believe that we could remain the same way forever: just together. That being said, I wanted to believe that I could change one thing between us and that would be the naturally unalterable. And that was the real issue. That was why the problem with falling in love was not even the falling aspect of it. It was when you finally found that you had exited the clouds that you had once floated so gracefully within. It was when you hit reality square on and destroyed everything inside of yourself in the process. The truth could make any optimist a cynic within a matter of seconds. Because of that, humans are comparable to the sun. We rise with such a fiery intensity. Our colors painting the sky with such brilliance that it never fails to take away breaths. We reach our height and radiate warmth and love to all those around us. It's only when we start to set. The colors still fading out in such a radiant way as we, the ones that once made the day so beautiful, burn out to a black, unforgiving night. But even after extensive darkness, we can still rise again; however, no sunrise or sunset is ever the same as the last. The same way that once our innocence is lost and once our mind is re-molded from whatever given experience, we can never return to our original state. We carry our baggage with us as scar tissue in the mind.

        While it is not always for this reason, toxic relationships tend to take a large toll on a person and create that kind of numbness. And I believe it is due to the fact that while the partner had done horrible things, they still provided a living definition of a romantic. That was what crushed me the most. He was both the best and the worst that I ever had. And despite it all, I found myself stuck on the way that my boy's smile used to put all of the stars in the sky for me. The way that although he was more shattered inside than the plates that he had thrown at his mother, I felt responsible in the sense that I had this burning desire to take away that pain he felt and bear it for him. But the tragedy of it was that no matter how much I fought for him, no matter how much I looked after him and tried to fix him, it was useless. I had fallen in love with a broken glass, and I loved him far too greatly for my own good. The minute that our skin first brushed so tenderly and innocently against each other, all that I was left to do was bleed out for him. And that was how I spent the rest of our turbulent relationship.