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by liarsliars

by liarsliars

"you weren't lying when you said this would sting,"

Every now and then, the memories of that day come flooding back. Maybe I shouldn't be the one telling the story of my tragic downfall, but it's not like I have a lot of options considering most of us didn't make it until the end. The nostalgia of those days visits me more than I'd like to admit. I can still remember it as if it had happened yesterday. I was revisited by the nightmares on a daily basis. So here it is. This is me. I'm not a hero by any means. I'm simply telling this a warning to others. Looks can be very deceiving. That's something I've taken out of all of this. I've also learned to trust no one. If I close my eyes, it all comes back to me. The tears streamed down my face as I attempted to put the puzzle pieces together. They had all been placed in front of me, but it took until that moment for it all to fall into place. I squeezed my eyes tight as I tried to convince myself that it was just some horrible nightmare and that I would wake up at any minute. It wasn't possible though. My reality was a nightmare that I could not shake. My heart beat a mile a minute as it pounded in my chest. I couldn't seem to process the thousands of emotions coursing through my veins.

Fear.

Anger.

Hurt.

Resentment.

Frustration.

Confusion.

To this day, I'm still unsure of how I felt about the whole situation. To say I was in shock was a major understatement. I never imagined a situation like this occurring there. It was the middle of nowhere ― the town where nothing ever happened. It was that fatal Tuesday in April that twisted everything. It took all that we had every known and crushed us all. I can still remember every small, insignificant detail about it. It left the kinds of scars on me that haven't went away, and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever truly recover. No one should ever have to suffer through what I did. I bit my tongue to keep myself from screaming. That wouldn't help me at all ― not in the situation I had been faced with anyway. That was the point where I wondered where everything went wrong ― what I had done to deserve something like that. There I was huddled in the corner of a janitor's closet nestled securely between the two shelves of cleaning supplies. The toxic fumes filled my lungs, but at least, I was safe there... for the time being. I had made a mad dash for the closet after abandoning the classroom I had originally been inside. There wasn't a chance that I'd survive if I stayed. There was a procedure that we were supposed to follow, but in the moment, it was disregarded by everyone. The biggest goal that had been adopted by everyone was simple yet meaningful: stay alive. I pulled my knees to my chest and silently prayed to God to stop it ― save me and the others from the Hell that surrounded us. He had declared war that day in Westwood High School without warning, and there I was petrified that my life was going to end right then and there. I had defended him. I had attempted the shield him from the horrors of the world, but all of my hard work had been blown to bits. He was a time-bomb, and I knew it from the beginning. It was only a matter of time before he was going to explode. Everything was piling up on him. He had been stretched too far for too long. It was only a waiting game until he finally snapped ― before he went insane. It was only a matter of time before he completely lost his mind and all self-control. Maybe it had always been obvious to me: his quiet and reserved behavior or the anti-social personality he had. Even the bruises and cuts that he tried to hide from the world told a story that screamed louder than any words ever could. These should have been signs. There had been so many obvious warnings that went over my head because I was in too deep ― too naïve. I would have loved to slap myself for being so stupid. I should have ignored him like everyone else. Unfortunately for me, I had always felt like I understood him, which made me pity him. Originally, I thought he was misunderstood.

Alone.

Hurt.

Isolated.

An outcast.

A loser.

The tragic hero.

I suppose I was right for most of those. I had always imagine us differently. I thought that I could fix him. I thought I could save him from the horrors that he was faced with. Who knew his biggest opponent would be himself? Up until that day, I always thought we were similar. It's almost comical how wrong I was. I suppose the only major difference between the two of us was where we stood on the line between sanity and insanity. I guess there were times in my life where I had walked the line between the two, but I had never truly been insane. He was; although, I still believe that he hadn't always been that way. I like to think that he used to be innocent and pure, but there had been so many triggers that led his mind to a state of complete self-destruction ― a point far beyond the ability to save. He was deranged and extremely disturbed, but I still thought that he was absolutely brilliant. Within that boy, whose mind was filled with insanity, laid a true genius that never found its moment to shine. He had true potential that had all been thrown out the window that day. He was capitvating. He was beautiful, and I couldn't stay away. That boy screamed danger from the moment I met him. A danger that had an underlying darkness that drew me to him. He was charming, manipulative, and he lived for the thrill of the chase. He was a monster, and I should have known better. My mind screamed at me to keep my distance, but did I listen? Of course not. I knew that he possessed a wickedness that was unable to be changed. I knew that he was beyond repair. The damage had been done through the bullying, the trauma, and the abuse. It had been relentless on the poor soul that once had been the brightest of lights. Now, there was only darkness. He was a model physical of perfection, but he had been lost to the filthiness of the world. It took until I was just barely holding onto my life for me to realize it.

God, he was a horrible person. He lied his way into your heart. He made you feel like you were special. He made you believe that he wanted to be a good person ― that he wanted to be a good person for you. You were his "saving grace." Let me tell you, it was a bunch of bullshit. Lying was his specialty. I guess with being that disturbed, his mind possessed the ability to trick him into believing the lies he told. They rolled off his tongue like questions that spilled from the mouth of a young child. Maybe he couldn't help it. Maybe I just wanted to believe that somewhere deep inside was the kind boy that I had once thought I knew. I missed the naïve belief that what we had was real. In that moment, I knew that it wasn't. I knew that by the fact that I had locked myself in a closet in order to protect myself from the monster that was roaming the halls of Westwood High. My head rested against the cool, concrete walls. I thought that was it for me. I truly believed that I was goner, but I guess I wasn't that lucky. More screaming filled my ears. It was an ear-shattering cry out of pure agony that made your heart shatter into a million pieces. For all that I knew, that could've been me. I could still remember the sound of those heavy boots making their way down the ghostly hallways.

Thump.

I could still remember the sound the handle of the door made as it shook violently. In that moment, I knew what was coming, and I knew that there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. I remember preparing myself for the absolute worst. I had been screwed from the minute I met him ― for he looked like Heaven but felt like Hell. My heart stopped beating when I heard the all too familar whistle and the door swung open until I was face to face with the devil himself. I remember my stomach dropping the minute I looked into his eyes. To this day, I still feel my entire world shatter at the thought of him.

He was a sociopath,

But I loved him.

Oh God did I love him.

______

Song: $ting

Artist: The Neighbourhood

Picture: Luke