Deserve Better

The End of My Old Life

I wake up, with a sweat soaked shirt. The simulation haunts my nightmares. Peter haunts them. Initiation would end today and I would go through my last fear landscape, I front of the leaders. Eric would be there like he was the first time. That was a comforting feeling but still didn't easy many of the nerves I had about everyone seeing into my head.

I move into Alexis' shower. I let the water burn my back, then I turn it cold as I could and let the stinging sooth my mind. I do this several times, turning the steel handle to distract me.

I towel dry my hair and pull on a black sweatshirt and running shorts. My back is tender, from this morning's shower. I dread this moment. I dread every leader knowing I'm afraid of thunder and being raped. I want to curl up in a bawl and never come out.

I hear a knock on the door. I made Eric promise to come see me before the simulation. "Hey." I say. "Today's the big day, you'll be Dauntless!" He punches my shoulder. I laugh. "Yeah but I'm still not super excited to let the leaders up here." I say tapping my head. "It will be okay." He said, but he didn't seem so sure. He didn't seem to want them in my head either.

I want to let him know I'm scared. What will they think of me? But the moment I open my mouth I sob. His arms pull me in. Recently I have found out Eric is a hugger. It calms me.

I focus on his heart. It seems fast. But I listen to it all the same. It makes me feel human, it makes me feel brave. It's an odd feeling. It makes me feel invincible and exposed all at once. I wish we could stay like this but once I calm down he pulls away. I still hate the way I feel around him. Weak. I hate the way he draws me in and I have no say in it. I hate the way his eyes make me shiver. Then without another word we leave.

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I shoot up, my palms drip with sweat. I look at my time. 4.1 minutes, good. The leaders seemed impressed, but I felt as if they were talking about me behind my Back. I felt as if all eyes were on me. I leave the room.

Eric nods at me when no one can see him. I nod back. I will find out later where I am ranked. Until then I go to the dining hall. I grab a banana as a snack. Alexis usually makes me breakfast but today I told her not to. I didn't want to embarrass myself by throwing up. I devour the banana and go to kill tone in the training room.

A few members are scattered across the room. I decided to throw knives. I find the kind of knife I like best and pick up a few of them, and walk over to the targets.

I square up. My feet are even with my hips and shoulders as I prepare to throw. The first knife clatters to the ground along with the second. The third gets a good solid stick and the fourth is dead in the center. I walk and collect them. Then proceed to repeat the process.

********************************************

I walk to the ranking board. I don't think I'll be first, but second or third is a possibility. Max stands on a platform above the board. I see my name 1st. I got first! I smile and turn to look for Eric. My smile fades when I can't find him. He said he'd be here. "Congratulations New members of Dauntless!" Max shouts. Fists pump in the air, and cheers are all around us.

I turned to leave. I then see Eric and other leaders and members flood in. The fill in and pick up the newly made members. I laugh as they move us around and I see that there is the abnegation girl the 'stiff' seemed a little more uncomfortable but still overjoyed. Did this always happen? I wanted to know desperately.

All to soon they set us back down and Eric walked over. "Come on." He said with his signature smirk on his face. He wasn't quite so goofy around everyone as he was me. "Max wants to see you."

Despite my history with people I seemed to trust him immediately. I realized this was one of those cheesy amity crushes, where you get feelings after you think about it to long.

We walked side by side to what I assumed was Max, office. The door was painted black and made of a sleek metal. It looked also somewhat more sophisticated than the rest of the Dauntless compound. Eric knocked and Max opened the door. To my dismay Peter was inside. Eric and I walked in. "Sit." Max said. Eric walks to stand in a corner behind Max's pinewood desk.

"The committee of the Dauntless leaders, are tasked with appointing new leaders. Usually they are members that scored highly in whatever year was there initiation year. Both of your ranks were higher than most members and we have kept a keen eye on you throughout the process." He stops for a moment to see if we were following. I take this time to glance up at Eric only to find him glaring daggers at Peter. "Your ranks went back and forth between the both of you in the first stage and had Peter not struggled as he did the first two fear landscape it may have been closer. But anyway we've elected you to become leaders."

I feel accomplished. I have achieved the top spot in a faction that typically wasn't chosen by the Amity transfers. "You will attend the meetings, and learn how to lie and keep secrets. Until your training is completed you will not take part in voting or making decisions with the council. And if any information gets out before, I the head leader clears it you'll be punished, and possibly put to death. He couldn't have been clearer. Peter looked as if he had just wet himself, and I hold back a laugh. Who will train us? I think.

Max looks at us expectantly. He was waiting for questions. "Who will train us?" He glanced back. "Eric will." Eric lets his cold expression fade into a slight smirk. "Of course." He said. I had a feeling this would be more fun for me than Peter. "Now get out." He said. I stand up and leave on the spot. So dose Peter.

"Since I didn't kill you out of Mercy, I'll make sure you lose this job!" He said. "Ha, mercy or fear, that you'd get discovered." He laughs. "At least I didn't need Eric to protect me." That was it for me. I elbow him in the nose like I should have done few weeks ago. "Listen here," I say calmly. "If I wanted to get away, I would have. Plus your to much of a coward to do anything and you hide behind your big mouth of yours." I take a breath. "Plus, your a suck up, I earned my rank." I say.

Eric walks out, to Peter on the floor. I hold out a hand to Peter. "Get up!" I say harshly. He doesn't take my hand but he stands up. "Look if this is gonna work we have to at least not kill each other." I say. "Truce?" I say. "No way in hell." He says.