Thirty Reasons Not to Date a Player

31. He's Impossible to Forget

A/N: Sorry that I haven't updated in over a month. If anyone is actually still reading this, you have a lot more patience than I do! 

Ryder is no longer a part of my life. 

It's been three weeks since the break up and we haven't spoken since. I don't plan to; I feel like I'm finally starting to forget about him. I'm finally getting my old life back.

Everything has been so much better with my friends. Daniel has actually forgiven me, and April and Mel are close to me again. I have regained my parents' trust, for the most part, and they let me apply for a new job at a local bakery. Everything is finally falling back into place. 

Rachel and I are back to normal, too, although Ryder is a forbidden topic between us. She says that she respects my decision to forget him and move on, but I know she still thinks that letting him go was a mistake on my part.

I can't allow myself to think like that. 

But Ryder hasn't tried to contact me. He never comes to AP Lit anymore; some people claim that he got a schedule change. I don't see him around the halls, either. It's been good for me. Not having to see him every day has made getting over him a lot easier. 

Although, I will admit, that every time I walk past the school parking lot, or that stupid biology room, I feel a pang of guilt at the pit of my stomach. Because maybe...I could have loved him. 

*

On the first Tuesday of the new year, I arrive at school twenty minutes late, courtesy of the snow. The snowflakes have melted into my grey coat but are easy to spot in my dark hair. My boots, however, are covered in snow and ice, which is slowly melting onto the floor of the school hallway.

I head over to my locker, and after putting my bag down, take out the textbooks I’ll need for my first few classes of the day. As I remove my Physics textbook from the stack, something falls to the floor near my feet. When I look down, it's a long, white envelope. I bend down to pick it up, sightly confused. Nothing's written on the back, and curiosity gets the better of me.

I look around to find that the hallway is virtually empty, aside from the janitor and one or two other latecomers. I set myself down on the floor, with my back pressed against the locker, and open the letter. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that it’s Ryder’s handwriting.

I should’ve known.

Just as I’m about to rip it up and throw it away, the first word catches my eye. And once I begin to read, I can’t bring myself to stop.

Amara,

I know I can’t force you to read this. Hell, there’s nothing stopping you from ripping this up and throwing it away before you even make it past the first sentence. But I wouldn’t be writing if it wasn’t important. I'm not asking you to forgive me. Just read.

I know that I'll never deserve you. But I do think I deserve the chance to apologize for everything I've done to hurt you, whether it was intentional or not. I'm sorry for blackmailing you. I'm sorry for making you lie for me. I'm sorry for keeping secrets and being unable to own up to them. I'm sorry for getting jealous. I'm sorry for isolating you from your friends. I'm sorry for making you choose. I'm sorry for fighting with you. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you and I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. 

But I'm not going to apologize for the way I feel. I'm not sorry for opening myself up to you, or for wanting to be there when you need a friend. I'm not sorry for kissing you, for constantly thinking about you, or for wanting to see you succeed. I'm not sorry for falling in love with you.