Sad 5SOS Imagines (discontinued)

Leaving You (Calum Hood) Part 3

Leaving You (Part 3)

A Calum Hood Imagine

Word Count: 928

Warnings: strong language, triggering scenarios, suicide mentions

Calum's POV

I killed her.

People say that I didn't, that it wasn't my fault, but it was. I know it was, I know it for a fact. If I would've really listened to what she said and what she really meant with her words, I could've stopped this. I made her feel the way that she did, I made her depressed, I made her feel broken. I broke her...I killed her.

I hate myself.

I could have stopped this. I could have stopped this.

I've attempted to kill myself what, five times now? It's been a long week. When I found out that she was gone, I realized what I had lost. I feel so fucking stupid for not calling her back, or texting her, or something. I abandoned her whenever I should've been the closest to her. She was left all alone.

I'm now sitting here in a rehabilitation center, questioning my entire existence on this damn planet.  Why did things have to go so wrong? I was even going to propose to her when I got home, when the tour was over. I waited too long, way too long. I should have proposed before I left, then maybe she would have held on. Then maybe she wouldn't have even thought about swallowing those pills.

I wish I could've been there to stop her, I would have changed her mind right then and there. If I would have known that she was so depressed I would've dropped everything to help her. But no, I was a fucking cowardly bastard who didn't even bother to text his own girlfriend back. The girlfriend who used to love me with all of her beautiful heart.

I am totally and completely disgusted with myself. I couldn't stand living in my own skin. I just want to turn back time and tell Y/N how much I truly love her. God, I love her. I love Y/N so much, she was the most beautiful and smart girl I had ever met. She was so amazing. Was.

But I killed her, I let her fucking die! I could have done so many things to prevent this, but I fucked it all up. The night that she swallowed those pills...the night that she killed herself...I had cheated on her. I was so fucking drunk and I started hitting on this random girl, I don't even remember anything about her, I was completely wasted.

I can't live with myself, there is just no possible way for me to go on. I can't live knowing that Y/N's blood is on my hands. I can't live knowing that I caused an amazing person, my own girlfriend, to die. My mind won't stop replaying memories of her, of her smile, her laugh, her voice, her everything. I feel worthless. I'm driving myself insane. I don't belong here. I don't belong in this world. I want to stop feeling. I just want to die.

Mali Koa's POV

(Mali Koa, for those of you who don't know, is Calum Hood's beautiful, talented, anazing sister)

I can see him fading more and more each day. I can't even begin to imagine the thoughts going through his mind. I love Calum so much, seeing him like this worries my heart. He feels guilty for what happened. I'd probably feel the same way if I was in his situation, honestly. I don't necessarily blame him. What Calum did was wrong, not communicating with Y/N and abandoning her. But in the end it was Y/N's decision to end her life. Besides, her and Calum's relationship wasn't the only thing going south in her life. Everything seemed to be going wrong for her.

I wish I could have helped her more, but I didn't know things had escalated so much. If I had known, if she had told me, I would have told Calum to get his shit together. I would have helped her. Even with help she might have still committed suicide though, but we will never know. We will never know what was inside her mind.

I visited Calum every day and stayed for hours. One of two scenarios happened each time; Calum would either not speak at all and stay still, staring at the ceiling, or he would break down in tears, screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs whilst I tried to comfort him. Both scenarios were equally painful to experience. Seeing your own brother in such a state of depression and emotion was just heart shattering.

Calum's POV

My sister Mali is here again. I both love it and hate t when she comes here. Mali comforts me, but I hate for her to see me like I am. I can't control my emotions much right now and sometimes it's all I can do to not break down in front of her. I want Mali to stay with me, but I also don't want to be a burden to her. I love my sister, I hate seeing her sad.

Which makes me even feel even more guilty for having her around. Mali seeing me like this must be crushing her. I keep causing so much pain...I just want it all to stop. Not even music can help me now, that's how I know for sure that I can't go on. Music was always my release, but now nothing can release me from this pain. Not even temporarily.

Tonight I'm going to try again, and this time I will succeed. I will not live to see another day, to live another day in sadness and sorrow.

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