Living In The Never | ☑️

ANSWERS

HEATHER

I disconnect his call and throw the cell phone on the bed. I feel Nathan put his arms around my shoulder, as he pulls me to his side.

-"I am sorry, Nat. You had to hear all of that. Jayson can be like that sometimes, and-"

He cuts me off with a hush, as he lets out a breathy laugh at my rambling.

-"What stopped you from confessing it over the phone?"

His question, makes me look at him.

-"Confess what? There is nothing to confess. Not anymore, at least."

-"Yes, okay."

-"What?! I am not telling a lie!"

-"I never said you were."

-"Then, stop looking at me like you know something that I don't. It is annoying."

I whine at him, from my position on the bed. But, he pulls me to sit beside him, as he forces my body to face him.

-"Why are you running away from your feelings for Jayson?"

I hear his question but I don't dare to look at him, because it will take only one look at me for him to figure my feelings out.

-"I am not running away from it. I am jus-"

-"guilty?"

Yes.

I look at him, as he completes my line of thought, and give a slight nod.

-"Yes, I am guilty. I am guilty of the fact that the same girl whose entire life revolved around the things she chose, suddenly began to be dominated by a list of questions, which needed answering. A list of questions on her supposed best friend, who she thought didn't care about her at all. By the time, she somehow managed to make herself understand that it was okay and normal; her best friend barged back to tell her that she didn't know the other side of story. She didn't even know there was supposed to be another side involving her father, after everything that spiraled downward."

He nods at me, as I continue.

-"Nathan, for a long time I felt damaged because the part of me which still liked him romantically, felt hurt. But, I am not infatuated with him anymore. I am not because, during my time away from him, I finally reminded myself that I deserved to get the love, at least half of what I can give. I used to know that but th-"

-"But, why are you so stuck on being who you used to be?"

Nathan cuts me off, as he turns to face me, and continues.

-"Things happen in our lives, we find our way to manoeuvre around them, and we change. So did you, and it is only human. You cannot expect yourself to be only one version of yourself, when you go through different experiences every day. You have to allow yourself to accept all versions of you, with flaws and all. Your validation is the only validation that you'll ever need."

I look at him, as his words sink in.

I have been feeling guilty because I became someone I never thought I would become. I have been feeling hurt because the man that I helped him become, suddenly went back to being a man that he desperately loathed himself. Every work that I put on him, seemed to all be in vain, at that moment. But then, when did I become someone who did things hoping to get back something in return?

Nathan is right. I cannot build a pattern of my reactions to situations, and expect myself to follow it throughout my life. I will experience things I haven't before and will have to react accordingly. I have to break that fixed pattern of maneuvering around different situations.