Diary of a Dunce

In truth? For sure.

This is to no one in particular. This is a silent reply or ventilation of the cloud that tries to hang over my head. It sits there and just watches me. The voices that I hear from my teachers, from music, from friends, from family... Some days it's managable, and other days it's numb. Today, I'm alive, and numb.

With every breath I take my chest constricts and my head begins to hurt, I'm surrounded by people and things but nothing feels... here. I've been told that this feeling is dissociation, and it doesn't last as long as other things I feel, but it just feels strange. Even as I type this out I can see the keys beneath my fingers but it feels like I'm just touching air. My life started ending as soon as I was born, as well with many others. Every person. Every creature. Every... creation. We all die one day.

I've asked people I know what the purpose of this even is, why is life the way it is, and they all give their opinions, which is fine, but I'm still searching for that concrete answer. I pray, and I sing hymns and do my best to hear His voice, but even within that trying, it's as if I'm trying to find oxygen to breathe when I'm drowning in tar.

The world is confusing, the many different people and opinions, ups and downs, highs and lows of everything if you think about it too much it becomes overwhelming. What is the purpose of it?

Why is..?

That's the only question I ever come back to. Why do people expect so much from others? Why do we put people who are no better than us upon pedestals? Why do we crave power over others? Why can't we all just... be. Just be here, just live, just simply exsist for more than a miniscule moment of our petrifyingly short exsistence.

These questions swirl more and more in my head, seeing as the world is burning, people are more hurt now than ever, and we live through uncertainty. Why do we have to find order? What if we just flow? Just let everything be and live in the extreme and short ebb and flow of life.

Drugs, alcohol, physical intimacy, phsysical harm, and self destructive behaviors are only coping mechanisms to people who don't have those answers, who can't find the way. It's a short burst of pleasure amongst the endless pain that consists of most of our lives. Still, we see this, and many put others down or degrade them for their coping. Why?

People are flawed, it's natural, our world as it currently is, is broken, so why? Why do we hold onto something that isn't working? Why do we allow other people to be over us, and represent our very personality, with them not even, or ever, knowing a thing about us?

There is no way to meet every person on earth. I've tried. There is no way to truly control your life. I've tried. Within that trying I've found two things to be true, people never really stay, even if you're together for years, as lovers, as friends, as family, they may stay physically, but no one's ever really here 100% mentally. And secondly, fate truly is a cruel mistress.

We try to control fate, we put our own opinions on how we think our Gods and our religions should be, and many mistake opinion for fact. Opinons are flawed, but fate is infinite, beautiful, cold and calculated, but at the very same time we try to chose our own fates, but they've already been chosen. Worked out in a million different ways, so that whatever you expirence in life is for a reason, even if a vast majority of the time we don't see how it can be and contantly question why.

I wonder that too, who we are really... Why is a broad question, so let me just ask this one last time. Why do things exsist and exsist in the painful and convoluted way they do? And I mean in everything; human nature, emotion, work, family, connections, ethnicity, governments, nature, kings and queens and people who lead their countries, food, music, how we live on the daily, I want to know why.

If I never do that's fine, maybe one day someone else will find out, but until then I'll just battle the cloud that hangs above my head.