Your First Can Never Be Your Always

Chapter 11

There is something about the truth behind secrets that brings out fear and immeasurable pain to one's soul. It tortures you to your grave and makes your skin tingle in exasperation. A secret that you worry if let out of the bag and becomes known to people, will tear you apart and prevent you from a better life. A scary secret.

I do not remember much about my father except for the fact that he made me love playing basketball. There was something in his enlightenment upon watching basketball that made me want him to look at me with such love and interest just as he had to the reflections of people on the television. He neglected every duty brought along by being a father. He did not care. He despised a baby's cry and their need for attention. He found it delusional and worth not paying attention too. He always used to express his dream that one day we would just disappear so he could have "your mother's full attention!"

At first it did not make sense for him to say that because he always had our mother's full attention. We spent most of our childhood locked up in the attic out of our father's way. All we would spend our time on was reading and keeping it quiet so he would not recall we existed. At night, still in the attic, I would read my sister to sleep without having food to eat the whole day. On good days mother would drug our father's food so he would sleep early for us to have a properly homecooked meal. With him awake we would eat snacks that filled our stomach for about two hours. We would sleep to pass the pain for the rest of the afternoon and sometimes nights.

The only time I had to be in same space with my father was when we had the privilege to meet our relatives. Both our father's parents died of anaemia when they were little children of the ages four and six. Him and his brother Gerald. They came to visit twice a year and found delight in my sister's innocence and gracefulness. She was very kindhearted and loving nothing like any of our parents. Whereas I was a boy with an angered heart and a large temper.

My father would then pretend to be a charming and full-time parent and took me to the grounds and made me play basketball with him. He was very pompous and proud so much that when my skills improved in the sport he would attack me and never admit I was better than him in not only the sport. When we began going to school at home, our lecturers would give our parents our daily remarks that angered him greatly. He slowly unlocked my demons and wilted the goodness in me. The only time I was a better person and found myself again was when I was with my sister Carrie.

Aunt Mary was always with Carrie when she found time to do so. She never had time because of her sister-in-law who talked nothing of her children but so much about herself and her career addressing abruptly that her career was more important. She was so assertive and young at mind and heart that she made Mary second guess her children's upbringing. We were always thin and very silent and miserable.

One day when I was about eleven years old, Aunt Mary took an unexpected visit to the house. It was on a weekday and we had been forbidden to attend private school. It was years after Mary had proposed or parents should allow us to meet and mingle with children our age. Still trapped and held captive on the attic, my mother panicked to the ding of the doorbell. She ran swiftly up the stairs and told us to get ready. We did have our own bedrooms we never slept in. They were there for show. We quickly got dressed in our uniforms and waited for our mother to come and get us.

Carrie came into my room and proposed we go downstairs and find out what was going on for our mother had not returned to us for a long time. She was weeping on Aunt Mary's shoulder and asking for forgiveness. Mary had found out about the attic and our ill-treatment and suggested she and Gerald to take care of us under one condition. My mother had to lie to her husband so they could go on a trip and leave their kids with her and never come back. She demanded it to be their secret from their husband and us.