RDR2: Taciturn

Chapter 4

It was a few weeks before I was truly back to normal. I spoke with Arthur a lot more in private, nobody else knew yet that I had spoken to him, and I asked him to keep it that way. I was trying every day to try and get some words out in front of the others, but it just wasn't working. Arthur sensed my frustration and encouraged me, telling me it was understandable that I was struggling, and not to rush it.

I wasn't allowed to do any chores around camp, and I was slowly losing my mind. As everybody else, including Arthur, was constantly busy, I spent most of my time "speaking" with the only two members who didn't seem to be involved in any camp duties - Dutch van der Linde and Molly O'Shea.

Dutch was mostly keen to have me read books by Evelyn Miller, concepts that went way over my head and words that I struggled to make any sense of. I was very much glad of Molly O'Shea in those moments, as she frequently came to my rescue after seeing my purely confused or irritated looks.

As much as Molly O'Shea was very high and mighty, clearly thinking more of herself than the other girls in camp, she also had a kind streak. She was very patient with me, having long conversations even if it was taking me a while to respond to her.

She was certainly an interesting individual. She had left Ireland behind for America, then left her wealth and family behind to join Dutch, a man she loved dearly. Yet I noticed that Dutch occasionally acted very distant to her, his eyes were on other females in the camp. Molly O'Shea was high strung, but she abandoned everything for her love for Dutch, and I was slightly annoyed that he was willing to just throw it all away.

My talks with Miss O'Shea also led to a boost in my confidence. She was certainly a kind soul, she went out of her way to make me feel comfortable, and even fought with Dutch once or twice due to his incessant nagging for my opinions on something Miller had said.

In the time I took to recuperate, we were forced to move camp. We were heading east, near to a town called Rhodes, camping alongside a lake. The air was muggy and the heat was intense, so I spent most of my time sitting on a small dock with my legs in the water, trying my best to speak.

But my brain knew people could hear me, and so it didn't allow me to. I strained and strained, my throat aching as I tried to force sound out, but it never worked.

"What are you doing?" Miss O'Shea was behind me that sunny afternoon, a deep frown on her face.

Trying to speak

I mouthed the words, trying to force them out, then sighed in defeat.

"You're gonna hurt yourself, keeping that up," she said gently, "Nobody here minds if you can't speak, Eliza. We accept you as you are, you don't need to hurt yourself."

I want to speak. I want to speak so badly, I just want to be able to have a normal chat with someone without having to pause and write my thoughts. I want to be quick and witty like Sean, give advice like Arthur, make deep comments like Dutch. But I can't, because whenever I want to say something, I have to stop and write it and by the time its done, the impact is lost. I just want to be normal.

She read my words, leaning against one of the low pillars on the dock.

"But you don't have to be any of those things, you just have to be you," she said softly, "I thought you said you were born like this? So would you not be used to it by now?"

I hesitated, my pencil on the sheet of paper.

I lied

"Did you used to be able to speak?" She asked hesitantly and I nodded, "So... what happened."

Maybe it was finally time to come clean. Explain why the only people I had spoken to were my parents, why I was so hesitant around strangers, why my body outright refused to talk.