I had one sided love for this girl, she was a volleyball player and popular hot chick, and she is my best friend but I wasn't too vocalize with the way I feel towards to her, because I'm a girl and too scared to reject or disgusted about having crush on the same gender.
But in my 6 years having crush to her, I just did is to write everything what I felt in my notebook. Even when we first met.
I remember that one time, the beginning I had feelings for her, when we playing for a play for the church. A roleplay called Princess and the Pauper. She was the princess and I was the rude woman that only works at tailor shop.
All of my churchmates made fun of me because I was role-playing as an ugly and fat old lady. I just felt sad and can't defend for myself, of course, I also didn't want that role but I have no choice because that was choice by our sister.
I didn't meant to let my tears dropped. Somehow, I can't stop it even I tried to hide it, it kept dropping. They got surprised and started to blame to others like, "Who made her cry?" And others made fun of me more, how cry baby I am and can't take as a joke. And then that was she defended me.
As the time she defended me, my face turned red and I felt my heart beats louder than she shouting to our churchmates. That time, I might be confused what happened to me but everyday, when we got close or always seeing each other. I felt I have a fever but hotter and kept sweating a lot.
Though she doesn't noticed those things then before our summer vacation came right after our freshman year. I received the news that was spreading around in school that she was dating a smart guy in whole school. He is always participating quiz bee and spelling bee, even he is the same as my best friend's sports, volleyball.
Then eventually they became one of the campus' couples. They would get lovey dovey inside and out like they are the best/sweetest couple for known.
And for me, after heard that news. I felt my heart crashed and broke like a scattered glass. But no one knows.
When I see them, the air around me is getting thinner that makes me suffocate and my brains keep overthinking those what if's like what if I was a guy, what if I confess to her. It was an awful sight to bear.
Sometimes, made me think you can't love someone who isn't same gender as you.
It's my own body's fault that I became a girl when I like her.
At Valentine's day, there was a booth called confession booth. You're going to confess by writing the on piece of paper and stick it on the wall.
So I did try, three papers but one is anonymous. So I wrote on a confession by how much she's a great best friend I had and he's a great boyfriend for her then one is I confessed by feelings to her, of course I used different handwriting style so she doesn't know.
My biggest mistake is I wrote in my confession paper that I'm a girl.
She and her boyfriend read my letters and she response was the sweetest. Then after she posted hers, she read my confession. That was I heard something I regret it.
She snickered and said, "Ew l, a girl likes me."
That was when I fall down in bottomless pit, I never knew in my life that she'll be like that. So I tried avoided her since, but I thought we are gonna be okay until she-- we lost communication. Then I heard news they eventually broke up before graduation.
We never talked again.
