How could I have known?

Even his goofy hat

Mark POV

(I'm gonna put a trigger warning here just in case)

I woke up the next morning, reaching for my phone which wasn't there. Remembering that I had fallen asleep on the couch, I rubbed my face and sat upright. I replayed last nights events in my head. Just thinking about him was enough to make my chest hurt.

I got up from the couch and made my way to my bedroom where my phone was. I picked up my phone. It was already 12. I check my messages, half hoping to see something from him. But of course, there was nothing. I could feel the hole in my stomach widen.

I lied down on my bed, pulling the covers over myself. I felt weak. I didn't want to do anything anymore. At that point, It felt like sleep was my only escape from my own feelings. I pulled the covers over my head and drifted back to sleep.

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I awoke to a dark room that was once lit by the afternoon sun. I looked at my phone to check the time. It was almost 9. I had slept through the entire day. I checked my messages to find that I had been swamped with texts from wade. Him being the only person who knows of my current situation, i wasn't surprised to see him so worried. Apparently he tried coming to my house and knocking on the door. But of course, I was asleep. I sent him a text back telling him that I was alright and that I was just sleeping. I put my phone aside and stared at the ceiling.

I hadn't eaten anything all day. But I wasn't hungry. I the thought of eating hadn't even crossed my mind. All I could think about is how much i wanted him in my life. All I could think about was how much I hated not being able to share my life with him. All I could think about was how much I wanted to just die.

I sat up and glanced over at the bottom drawer of the dresser on the other side of the room.

In that drawer was a fully loaded revolver I kept around just for emergencies.

I contemplated. I had just realized that the option was actually there. I could finally be free of my own thoughts and feelings. I could be free of the loneliness that I felt every second that I wasn't with him.

I slowly got up from the bed and made my way across the room. I stood in front of the oak wood dresser, eyeing the bottom drawer. I slowly bent down, putting my hand on the metal handle. I pulled the drawer open and, sure enough, there it was, buried under folded old cloths that i no longer wore. I picked it up and stood back up. Holding it in my hands, i thought to myself,

"Am i totally sure i want to do this?" I walked back over to the bed, gun in hand. I sat down on the bed and held the gun in both hands in front of me. "Is this truly what I want? what about my family, my friends.. even Sean might miss me.. And besides, do I really want to do it now? I would always have the gun, it's not going anywhere. The option will always be there."

I sat and contemplated for what felt like hours. I slowly brought the gun up to my face, turning the barrel towards me. I slowly slid the barrel into my mouth, my thumb on the trigger. I shut my eyes and thought,

"All you need to do is pull it. Pull it and your misery will finally come to an end. You don't need to think about what others will think. Just do what you feel is necessary to achieve happiness."

I was as ready as i would have ever been. My eyes began to well up. Even when faced with death himself, all i could think about was that beautiful, beautiful face. I felt weak. I felt like I was going to faint. But I was happy. Happy that in just mere moments, my suffering, my thoughts, my love for him, would vanish. I would be no more. I was ready. I began to squeeze the trigger, images of Sean raced through my mind. His smiling face, his adorable laughter, even his goofy hat.

I took a deep breath, and squeezed the trigger as hard as I could, and before I knew it, it was over. it was all over.