Only With You

Chapter 8 : I Don't Know Why

                                        LEXA

I have been sitting out on the balcony since I ran away from Clarke. I have no idea why I ran away, but I panicked. Dinner was so uncomfortably awkward. I know it was my fault, but it has been so long since I have lived with someone or opened up to anyone, I am so rusty. Who am I kidding I am so awkward with people. It feels like I am back in high school and it's the first day of classes all over again. I was just as clueless and awkward then, as I am now.

I have always been a shy, quiet person, but for some reason I really want to make a good impression on my roommates. I failed at that tonight, but after our first meeting last night, I didn't know how to act. Clarke makes me want to be a better/different person. I want to have the type of friendship with her that she has with Raven and that is terrifying. I haven't had any close friends since college. After Costia I shut that part of myself down and kept everyone at a distance. It has been so long since I let anyone in. I am so uncomfortable in the getting to know you stage with people.

It is weirdly easy to talk to Clarke, but I am not sure why I am so awkward talking to Raven. I know we didn't have the best first impression was last night, but I don't have that same easy relationship with her that I have with Clarke. Somehow even though Clarke and I have only been talking for a few weeks it feels like we have known each other forever. I can usually be polite and hold a conversation with people. I don't know what got into me tonight, but everything about it was awkward. I know Raven was upset over the way she behaved last night, but I don't know why Clarke was standoffish the whole meal too. We have become comfortable texting, and I was hoping that would translate to life, but I guess not.

The food was amazing. I can't believe Clarke made all of that by herself. I curse myself when I realize I forgot to tell Clarke how delicious it all was. I can't believe I didn't offer to help her clean up, my parents would be so disappointed. I hear her cleaning up everything on her own, after she cooked such a wonderful meal and I am torn between hiding here and going back to help her. I don't think I can face her again tonight after running away, so I decide to stay put where I am.

I find myself thinking more about Clarke than I should. I realize I want to know everything about this girl. It already feels like we have known each other forever, but there is still so much I don't know about her. And I greedily want to know it all. I know it is a bad idea, but I can't help myself. I am drawn to this girl more than anyone I have ever met. This instant connection between us is fascinating and I really want to explore it more. I just don't know how to go about letting people in. I don't know why but I keep going over everything I have learned about Clarke these last few weeks and all the things I want to learn about her. I keep seeing those stunning blue eyes every time I think about her and I find myself smiling once again. Her eyes sparkle when she laughs, and I think I would do just about anything to see that and hear her laughing more often.

I must have I fallen asleep for a little bit, because I wake with a start. My heart is racing, and I realize I had a nightmare about Costia. I frantically try to shake myself out of the dream but end up in a panic, not realizing where I am. I finally shake off my dream state and thing about all the dreams I keep having dreams about Costia. They all revolve around her calling me the night she died and the fight we had before she left for the party. This time however, my brain keeps changing the events and putting Clarke's voice as the one calling out to me. I am so shaken by Clarke appearing in the dream, that I almost fall out of my chair. I decide the fresh air would be better for me that trying to head to bed, so I decide to stay out here.

It is peaceful and beautiful out here. I am content to be alone out here lost in my own thoughts. I have no idea I have been sitting here but I notice it is starting to get chilly, so I go in to grab a blanket and my Kindle. I want to be comfortable, so I can sit out here and soak up the peace for a while longer. I don't know why I am craving serenity and tranquility so much these last few weeks. Since I started talking to Clarke I have craved peace and solitude more than ever. It goes hand in hand with wanting to talk to her more and more. Every time we would text it would be like coming home or wrapping up in your favorite blanket. It felt safe and comfortable. It is something I never knew I would crave as much as I do. The question is what do I do about it.

I come back out to the small chair I brought out here earlier and curl up with my blanket. I open my Kindle and get comfy to read. I let myself have this small slice of solitude knowing that soon I will be back on set and quiet time is going to be hard to come by. I open to one of my all-time favorite books and settle in for another re-read. Reading is one of the things that help me to relax and calm down after a nightmare. I have become all too familiar to calm down after rough nights, and I am happy that I have this small escape to distract my mind. I usually work so hard to exhaust myself for the day, so I don't give my brain a chance to think about her, but the nightmares have been coming more frequently lately. I know they intensified when I started talking to Clarke, but I can't figure out why. This girl is a relative stranger to me, yet I feel a strong pull to her. My mind has intertwined her and Costia and it is unsettling.

After a while I get lost in my book and forget all about everything around me. I am startled when I hear some movement from the deck above me. I can't stop myself, I begin wondering if that's Clarke up there. I am secretly happy that I don't have to wait too long to get my answer.  I hear the first chords of one of my favorite songs, I Miss You by Incubus, a few minutes later. It sounds slightly different than I am used to, so I know that someone is playing it on a guitar.

After listening for a little bit, I hear a beautiful raspy voice start singing the words softly. I know immediately that it must be Clarke playing and singing the song. She finishes that song and plays a few more songs that sound just as amazing as the first. I feel like I am having my own personal concert and I cannot force myself go inside even though I probably should. It feels like I am intruding on a private moment, but I am completely enthralled by her. The bigger question is why her? What is it about this woman that I can't get out of my head?

She stops playing for a few minutes and I hear her shuffling around above me. Then, I hear her start singing again and this time I don't recognize the song. The music and signing stop periodically and I hear her moving around a bit. She keeps repeating parts and the music sounds different and sometimes the way she sings the words are different. I realize that this may be something she is writing and not someone else's song. I feel like I am intruding even more now, but I can't help but stay put, to hear more. I can't make out all the words but what I can hear is sad and haunting and beautiful all at the same time. I can't help but wonder who or what inspired her to write a such a beautiful song about them. For some reason I feel a small twinge of jealousy and secretly and very selfishly, I wish she was writing about me.

For some reason, I have the ardent desire to tell her how beautiful her music is. And before I can talk myself out of it or change my mind I send her a text telling her. I don't expect a reply from her, but I laugh a little at the surprised gasp I hear above me. I didn't mean to startle her, but it was good to laugh a little. I move to go inside when a alert from my phone stops me.

CLARKE: Thank you. I wasn't aware I had an audience. I am sorry if I kept you up. I am done for the night, so you don't have to worry about the noise.
The message is so un-Clarke like I feel the need to reassure her.  So I quietly mutter, "It's ok Clarke it really, it was really beautiful and I enjoyed listening. You are talented," I tell her in earnest. "Goodnight, Clarke." I say even more softly and head back inside. I am really exhausted even after my accidental nap this afternoon. I suspect it has more to do with the long emotional rescue I had last night and the draining nightmare I had just now, than anything. I get ready for bed and crawl under my covers thinking about what Clarke is doing.

It doesn't take long for me to fall into a deep sleep thinking of a smiling blue-eyed woman. The peace doesn't last long, and I am once again plagued by dreams of my time with Costia. I sleep fitfully the rest of the night and decide to distance myself from Clarke until I can get these turbulent feelings under control.