"fuck it" | buddie [super slow updates!]

i'm not gay.

[buck's pov]

i waited in my living room with my head in my hands, my legs nervously bouncing. i heard a knock on the door to see my guest, maddie.

"what'd you wanna talk about, buckaroo?" she asked me as we walked towards the couch. i attempted to not limp as much, my ass still feeling sore. i tried thinking of a way to explain what happened yesterday.

"i, uh..." i tilted my head up a little to scratch my irritatingly itchy neck. "..you see-"

"-why's your neck so bruised..?" maddie leaned closer, pushing my chin up so she could get a better look. "did you try to hang-"

"no!" i grabbed her wrists, moving them away from my bruised neck. "i slept with someone... well, more like stood. we did it in a grocery store."

"oh, gross," maddie made a face at me. "she must've had a grip on her."

"uh... he," i corrected. "it was eddie."

maddie's eyes went wide as she covered her mouth. "you fucked eddie diaz!?"

i stayed silent, scared of her tone of voice. why did she sound so disgusted by it-

"PFFTTT—" maddie cackled, grabbing the armrest for support as she laughed so hard she could barely breathe. i rolled my eyes as i chuckled with her, worried for a second that she was homophobic.

"well, uh, he fucked me.." i scratched the back of my head, waiting for her to burst out laughing again.

"you- you're telling me, the evan buckley, mr. macho firefighter, got fucked right up in the ass?" i nodded, causing her to bite her lip to refrain from giggling. she motioned for me to get closer as she went up to my ear with a cupped hand. "how big was it?"

i smirked as i shoved her off of me, shaking my head. "that's not what i wanted to talk about. i mean, it was, but not his dick." i turned my body her way. "look, eddie out of nowhere kisses me-"

"y'all did a whole lot more than kissing."

"-and fucks me in a public restroom? when the lawsuit prevents us from even speaking to each other... and the fact that he looked so pissed, like he didn't want anything to do with me?"

"well we know that last part's not true."

i rolled my eyes again and threw my hands up in frustration as i stood up and paced around the coffee table. "it's like we're best friends one day, enemies the next, and boom. his dick's up my ass and i'm calling him daddy."

"okayy... didn't need to know that," maddie pretended to gag. "but hey, maybe he just wanted to hook up."

"why with me? he could've got with any girl and he chose a guy he hates? it hasn't even been a year yet since his wife died.."

"i have no clue, maybe he's into you," she shrugged. "are you into him?"

i stopped dead in my tracks, thinking of my answer. "a little more than just 'into him.'"

"do you love him?"

i stuffed my hands into my pockets before sitting down again. "i mean, yeah i love him. and i love christopher too... but not only do i love eddie, i'm in love with him."

"then tell him, einstein," maddie shrugged her shoulders. "it's not rocket science.

•

•

•

i clutched the lego set to my side as i took deep breaths. at least i didn't come empty handed, and i know christopher would forgive me for not visiting. i have no idea about eddie though. what if he just closes the door on me? do i stay, leave? i cant leave without an answer, and i still have to confess. i held my breath as i rang the doorbell, standing up straight to not look as nervous.

i watched eddie crack the door open an inch and say nothing.

"h-hey, eddie.." i looked down at chris's toy. "i got christopher something, and um... i need to talk."

eddie stared at me a second longer before opening the door fully. he held it open as i walked in and set the gift down.

"didn't the lawsuit say we can't see each other?" he broke the silence, arms crossed with eyes giving me the death stare.

"i'm uh- i'm actually gonna cancel the whole thing. but i need to speak with you first, about yesterday."

"well, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong. it was just sex, no feelings attached... i'm not gay." i nodded slowly, trying to comprehend what he said. "oh, and sorry for calling you a fag, if that's what you were asking about. just got a little too into it."

"u-uhm, yeah. yeah, it's all good. i'm not gay either, not for you especially.." i slipped my hands into my pockets to stab myself with my fingernails. so i could stop myself from crying on the spot. i really believed what maddie said. god, i can be so stupid. "uh.. well, i'm gonna go call off the lawsuit. nice chat..."

i let myself out as fast as i could, not wanting to even be in eddie's presence. did he only want me for sex? did choose me because he thought i was easy? i felt the tears trickle down as i got in my car. my eyes were so blurry i could hardly put the key in ignition.

"f-fuck..." i broke down, digging my nails into my scalp as i sobbed. i barely caught sight of eddie watching me from the window. i flipped out the overhead mirror, pretending to fix myself up before backing out of the driveway. i parked on side of a nearby street, bawling into the steering wheel.

•

[eddie's pov]

"i'm uh- i'm actually gonna cancel the whole thing. but i need to speak with you first, about yesterday."

i contained the smirk that almost formed when buck mentioned yesterday. probably the best grocery store experience i could ever have, but i can't risk having any more. what happened was a mistake, i was just horny and couldn't control myself.

"well, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong. it was just sex, no feelings attached... i'm not gay," i replied coldly, the more i distance myself the better. i can't get with buck, no matter how much i like him, not under these circumstances.

"u-uhm, yeah. yeah, it's all good. i'm not gay either, not for you especially.."

i raised my eyebrow a little, knowing buck's the worst liar. i hate how much i'm hurting him, but we can't be together. i can't fall in love or i'll lose him just like shannon, in a stupid accident. now it's twice as likely, and i might even be guaranteed the pleasure of watching him die. i can't risk it, for me or for chris.

"uh.. well, i'm gonna go call off the lawsuit. nice chat..."

i heard the quiver in his voice, almost making me take back what i said instantly. but i can't, it's better to have never loved than to lose what you love the most. i'm not letting that happen again. and if it means i have to break his heart, then i hope he can learn how to fix it. he deserves to be happy, but not with me.