Thou Hath Fallen

My Penance~2

What a long slumber that was.The dull ache in my head was a mere price to pay.It was long since I heard from Rose.She was my solace, my comforter.The beeping was erratic which I think was a good thing.I was in a hospital bed that was so much more comfier than my cot.I felt all drowsy and how I welcomed the sedatives until I saw her sitted all so comfortably beside me-my therapist.Her name I cared not to remember.She was just a pain I had to endure.

A floral dress,a brunette with innocent doll like eyes, a genuine smile and that calmness that only she could bring out.I hated how she stuck to me like glue after my episodes.

"M? Can you hear me? Want to talk about it?"She prodded softly.

If I knew her in another place and time I would have liked her.Better give her an easier time and tell her a diluted version of what actually happened to me.

"I saw." I said it like I had thoroughly rehearsed it.

"What did you see M?"

"Does it really matter." I wondered out loud.

"If you want to get better, yes it does."She countered.

They could have any other person fooled but not me.Curiosity and their endless thirst for experiments is why they spared me a second glance.Tell her I did as she wrote furiously on her pad.She would glance at me like this crazy maniac and maybe she was right.

"M, what do you mean by Going going Gone"

"Ain't we all on a journey to somewhere doc?"

She looked at me,smiled and wrote.
I found it funny how I could anticipate her every  reaction.From her twitching, tucking a stray hair strand back in place,her searching eyes and that smile of hers that masked what she thought of me.After all, as a therapist she had to be best in border line passivity and activity with her patient.

I was groggy but curious so I forced my gaze upon her and asked her

"Did they crack me brain open again?"

"Not really M  they just put you under observation." She answered quickly

Why the anaesthesia though I wondered but I did not ask her that because crazy people were not meant to ask sensible questions.Sensless was our middle name.Days like this I needed to be stronger so as not to unleash a tornado of anger which would ensure I was stuck in here for the rest of my life.

Two more years.

Just two more and I would be out of this hell hole.And the Whites would be mine to take down.If only my visions would behave, then I would not have this leash on. It recorded my heart rate,the diastolic and systolic functions. I hummed as baby sleep took over.She cradled me and whispered sweet nothings which I smiled at.

Be a dumbo and you would be laughed at, be me and you would end up a labrat.That's why the mind is silent until you act.It saw all, perceived all like an inner wolf and nudged you to do what it deemed necessary.Sadly,my mind made me do the unthinkable, acting on what was better left unsaid.

Baby sleep could sense it's hand as I saw the earth crumble.I tried to close my eyes but it forced them open.I saw trouble, things I couldn't change.I saw pain, pain that I could not erase.Too sedated to scream, I settled for watching as the images played and replayed.On and on they went oblivious to my helplessness-those damned visions.

The dull ache was a constant reminder that I was still in existence.Did I wish myself dead? Hell No.Then what? I also don't know.She was punishing me for not remembering her part in the dream.That must have been it because why else was my brain being toasted over and over again.

They said my brain cells were growing unnaturally unlike that of a human.But I was human alright just with an extra something.We are entitled to some level of uniqueness right?
My diagnosis? A malignant tumor
The truth?They didn't want to see
Add crazy into the mix and I was sent into some psychiatric ward.

I saw it as a way of thanking the world for my gift rather my curse.So,I tolerated it but even exciting minds  like mine was prone to boredom when isolated.That was the only thing that really hit a cord.Yeah, I know I  was tough but that's because I had Rose and she loved M.She tamed the hate that danced in my veins.She caressed the wounds my mind inflicted and she kissed me into a hush state.My darling Rose, my hum

History had a way of making itself known to the present.It had a way of reminding the world it could not just be shut  out.It was like an unhallowed ground, scary but tempting.A forbidden apple whose taste was divine.

I saw the garden
I saw the sin
I saw the pain

And I could do nothing because like any other being, I couldn't enter after what had happened.But why did it feel like a warning of sorts.Who am I kidding? Am crazy and crazy people think a little coockoo.

With my comforting absurdity I laid and waited for sleep to take me wherever it decided to.At times I found myself favouring wakefulness over sleep.Why? Because then I had some semblance of control of whatever happened-as much as a psychiatric patient could have.

I let Rose out and I hummed.At some point we would merge and be one-not tonight.My mind was wandering in a torturous path so Rose took control as she urged me to think good thoughts.She knew it was hopeless but Rose never gave up on me.

Not Like Mary and John White.

No wind to remind me of the times.Just blood thirsty people who ensured I was in limbo.Some twisted fairy tale.With a happily never after.A boat that kept on sinking.A wounded bird that kept on falling.

A soul that.....

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