Mostly Egobang oneshots (you should be afriad)

This time they don't have sex at all

I sat alone in my room, staring at the wall. Nothing to do, nothing to say. Boredom wrapped me like a blanket. Then, suddenly, the door opened, startling me. It was Dan! My beloved Dan! The reason I breathe! 

"Sunshine! I'm so happy to see you! Nothing you can say is gonna ruin my night!" 

"Well...We'll see about that." Dan sat on the bed next to me, looking upset.

"Why, baby? Whats wrong? Oh my god, do you have caner?!" 

"No! Arin, calm down. Everything is fine. Its just that....we need to break up." 

"What? Why?" 

"It's not you its just that--I mean--I have my whole life ahead of me. There's so much out there-" 

"So much more than me?" I let the silence linger. It got harder to breathe next to him. How could he do this? My sunshine, my baby, my love, just leaving me like garbage on the side of the road. "Just cut my heart out why don't you? Hold it, cause it only beats for you, anyways!" 

"What? Okay see, it's this kind of dramatic shit that I just can't handle anymore." He looked down, ashamed of what he said. "I'm sorry. I think we've just grown apart and I'm tired of trying to make a broken thing work." 

"We can pick up the pieces, like last time. C'mon don't do this." 

"Whats so good about picking up the pieces? Putting our relationship on life support so we can just watch it die a slower and more painful death? Frankly, I don't even want to." I understood what he meant, but I wasn't ready to let go. 

"What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat! I'll be the fire that'll catch you!" 

"Can you just shut the fuck up and talk like a human being for once in your life? Jesus Christ! You sit here are try to talk about 'picking up the pieces' while you just sit here and say cryptic shit instead of trying to have a productive conversation!" Dan sat up and grabbed an already packed suitcase that seemingly just manifested out of thin air. Seriously, when did he pack that? I've been laying on this bed all day, when did he have time to pack without me noticing? 

"Goodbye, Arin." 

"My love for you was bulletproof, but you're the one who shot me!" 

"Whatever, dude. I left this month's rent on the counter." 

Maybe this was really for the best. We had been fighting for so long. I always thought that if we just kept compromising it'd eventually work out, but I have to admit I was sick of trying to make it work too. My tear-stained cheeks starting to form a smile, as I welcomed the next chapter of my life on my own. Maybe I'd write a book of poems, or a shitty 2000s punk song for a band with a child molester drummer. Suddenly I heard a ping on my phone, alerting me of some last text from Dan. 

"I'm taking the cat, btw" 

That motherfucker!