suicide

I'm better now

Today is my birthday and my first day of senior year. I had my birthday party but I kept noticing my brother glaring at me. I tried to ignore him but i just wanted to know why he hates me right now.

I walked up to my brother and asked " What's your problem with me"

" Nothing, jam just leave me alone" Said my brother

" It's not nothing, Tell me! " i demanded

" You wanna know what it is! It's you slitting your wrist while our little siblings are eating! Oh and also you killed someone because you want to die so badly, you don't even think about the consequences! You didn't even think about the ones around you, how'd we feel if you died! What if you died and because of your death, you put our younger siblings through what you're going through! Do you really want them to feel the same way you do?!" He said very angrily

Everyone was staring at us now.

" I've been feeling this since third grade and what, i never got any help, i suffered and i pushed down that feeling myself " I said with tears in my eyes

" Okay stop making this about what you went through! I get it you went through something no one should but every single thing you do has a consequence!! "he said

" You just don't understand" i said

he scoffed " I don't understand, are you kidding me! I went through the same thing in first grade but I thought of mom and dad! I knew that they would be heartbroken because at the time I was the only child! No I knew never to act on my actions because when a mother loses a child they die inside! I never want mom to ever feel that! So stop acting like everything is only about how you're feeling!"

I ran into my room and just laid on the floor. Then my breathing felt like I was choking, I was trembling, sweating and my heart was pounding, I felt like i was going crazy and that i was gonna die. I guess I dropped something because my mom came running in.

" Honey, listen to my voice. Breath in, breath out" said my mom

She put something in front of me. I think it was lavender. While I was breathing it in, it calmed me down. She also tilted my head so i was facing my little plushie.

" Focus on the plushie " my mom said

After fifteen minutes I calmed down completely.

I went to school without interacting with my family. I just ate and left. It was very awkward being around my brother. I kept avoiding him and he was doing the same. He'd give me looks from time to time. So I tried to just leave everyone alone. I stayed out of the way.

This one time I heard my mom and dad talking so I decided to listen.

" We need to do something" said mom

" It's fine its just a fight between siblings" said dad

" Yes but what if Jamie's depression resurfaces because of the dispute. She might try to kill herself again. " said mom

" You're thinking too much" said dad

I walked away, "my mom really believes i'll try it again" i thought out loud

My brother walked past me in the hallway. I think he heard what I said because he grabbed my shoulder and gave me a it's going to be okay look. I'm glad to know my brother is still here for me.

Now that I think about it, if something happens and it affects me in a big way, I might relapse. I think i might be fine for now. My grade improved, I made a bunch of friends and most of my disorders haven't been showing. I feel a lot better.

Time skip:

My senior year was amazing. Next week I'm giving a speech as valedictorian to the entire class 2021. Yes, you heard me, Valedictorian!! But I'm having trouble knowing what to write.

I checked the mailbox to see if I got accepted into the colleges I applied for. I saw all these college letters but I was too scared to open them, so I waited. I practiced my speech every night.

I was so nervous.

I started my speech " We are class of 2021. We all went through things on our own, during our highschool experience. We also survived 2020, if we can do that we can do practically anything. 2020 was a difficult year but we punched 2020 in the balls. We are all standing here today. We are a crazy generation and we're gonna change the world for the better. 2021 yall!!"

I got my diploma and threw my cap in the air.

I applied to three colleges, USC, UCLA, and CSUN. I opened the letters and to my shock.