Broken

Chapter 16

His words plagued my mind for days. I couldn't get high or drunk enough to block them out, to block him out. That piece of paper sat on my table where he had left it. I didn't touch it. I couldn't even bring myself to look at it.
I tried to continue on what had become my normal routine for the last three years; working, getting high, and partying. But I couldn't get Taylor off my mind to bring a guy back to my place. I could barely even look at any other guy let alone sleep with one and risk losing the memories of Taylor's touch.
A couple of weeks later, I had finally decided I would go talk to Taylor. He had been right. I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me. I didn't know how this was going to work or what I would say to him, i just knew I wanted to see him.
On my night off, I made my way to the address he had jotted down. As I was crossing the street to approach the building, I saw Jen and Zac come out of a taxi van. Ike and Tay were behind them, and following them were two girls.
I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw one of the girls lean over to say something to Taylor, causing him to laugh.
Had he decided I wasn't going to call him so he was moving on? But what about what he had said? Had it all been a lie? Did he finally realize he did deserve better?
The sound of a horn blaring broke my train of thought and I was snapped back to reality. I jumped back onto the sidewalk to avoid getting hit and glanced over at the apartment building. They were all looking this way.
"Amelia, are you okay?" Taylor called out from the curb. He was waiting for an opening to cross the street.
"I - I -" I stammered and turned and bolted back toward the subway tunnel. I had done it again, I imposed myself into Taylor's life and now whomever his date was with, I had officially ruined it. It didn't matter what I wanted, all that mattered was I needed to say goodbye to Taylor for good.
The second I walked through my door I ripped up the piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. I took a quick hit of my cocaine stash before heading back down to the bar. I ordered a few drinks and threw myself at the first guy I seen who looked available and somewhat attractive. I needed to forget. I needed to get rid of the memories Taylor had left behind. What I was afraid of losing, I suddenly needed gone.
The guy happily agreed to go back to my place and didn't waste any time once my door shut behind us.
Just as we fell into my bed, Taylor's face flashed before my eyes and I yelled out, "Stop! I can't."
"You can't?" the guy asked. "What do you mean you can't?"
"I've changed my mind," I said, trying to push him off of me. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"Oh I don't think so," he said, not budging. "You don't get to get me all worked up and then change your mind."
"Yes I do," I said, pushing on him harder. "Get off of me."
"Not happening," he said grabbing my arms and pinning them above my head with one hand. "Not until I get what I came here for."
His other hand pulled down my jeans and began fumbling with his own fly.
I tried screaming but he covered my mouth with his and as he forced himself inside of me I was paralyzed with fear. Flashbacks of the abuse I suffered with Mitch replayed in my mind, and suddenly I was 12 years old again and this man on top of me was my drunk stepfather. I cried until it was over and when he left, I cried harder.
I lay there crying until I could cry no more.My phone which had been ringing non stop was ringing again. As if in a trance, I answered it.
"Amelia are you okay?" I heard Taylor ask. "You almost got hit by a car, what were you doing?"
"I was coming to see you," I said in a monotone. "You were with her."
"Her?" he asked. "Oh you mean Maria? She's Ike's girlfriend's sister. They came to New York to visit Ike. We all went out. I think Ike and Nikki were trying to set her and I up but I was just being friendly. I don't want anyone else."
"Yes, you do," I said in the same monotone. "It's never gonna end Taylor, unless I end it myself."
"What do you mean?" he asked, taken aback by my words.
"He will always find a way to hurt me," I said.
"Wait, what?" he asked. "He found you?"
"He didn't have to," I said flatly. "And yet he did, but it's not going to happen anymore. I'm ending it now."
"Amelia, what are you talking about?" he asked.
"I've gotta go," I said. "I do love you Taylor, but I have to end this now."
"Amelia, I'll be -" he said before I hung up the receiver.
Still in a daze and without bothering to get dressed, I walked into the bathroom. In the medicine cabinet I found the two baggies of pills I had bought earlier that day. I noticed then that my wrists were bruised but I no longer cared.
I went back out to the kitchen and filled a glass of water before sitting back on my bed.
It was time to end this. It was finally time to find the peace I had been searching for all these years. Thoughts of Taylor flashed in my head. But I knew he'd be better off. Once the grieving period was over, he'd see this was for the best, for him and for me. He would get over this. He would be able to move on and I wouldn't be able to ruin his life any more. He wouldn't have to worry about trying to save me, there'd be nothing left to save. He could find a new damsel in distress and become her hero. I wasn't deserving of a hero. I wasn't worthy of being saved. He'd realize that.
As I swallowed the last few pills and my eyes grew blurry and heavy, I saw him again. Those watery blue eyes promising to protect me.
The last thing I heard before everything went black, was him telling me he loved me.

My eyes fluttered open and I didn't know where I was. It took me a minute to realize I was in a hospital room. I was strapped up to several machines. Someone was holding my hand. It took effort but I turned my head and saw it was Taylor.
"Hey you," he said with a sad smile.
"Taylor?" I croaked out. "What happened?"
"You took a bunch of pills," he said sadly. "They had to pump your stomach. I wasn't sure if you were coming back to me."
"I wasn't supposed to come back," I said closing my eyes.
"Yes, you were," he said, squeezing my hand. "Why did you do this? You said something about Mitch on the phone. Did he find you?"
"I saw you with her," I said softly.
"Amelia, I told you that was nothing," he interrupted.
"Let me finish," I said.
"Sorry, continue," he said.
"I saw you with her and I went home," I said. "I thought I ruined another chance for you to be happy. So I decided I was just gonna make myself forget. I went down to the bar and met a guy. I brought him home and I felt guilty about it -"
"That doesn't mean you kill yourself dammit!" he blurted.
"I felt guilty about bringing him home," I continued. "And told him I couldn't do it. I changed my mind. Only he wouldn't take no for an answer. He - "
"Oh God, Amelia," he cut me off, not needing me to finish and put his arms around me. "Now I know what you meant. I should've chased you down after I saw you in the street."
"No," I said shaking my head. "You should've just let it end. I was ready Taylor, I'm still ready. Just let me go, please? Let me end this."
"No," he said. "I am not letting you kill yourself. I am not giving up on you. You need help and I'm going to make sure you get it."
I knew there was no use arguing with him.
"I'm hungry," I said, changing the subject.
"I'll see if you are allowed to eat anything," he said, squeezing my hand before leaving the room.
It took effort, but I sat up and pulled the IV out of my arm. I winced from the pain and glanced around for clothes. I saw a bag of my things on the floor and quickly got dressed.
"Amelia!" I heard Taylor's voice behind me. "What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving," I said, grabbing my bag.
"No you're not," he said, pulling it out of my hand. "You tried to kill yourself. You just had your stomach pumped for Christ's sake!"
I shrugged, "I have to go to work."
He shook his head, "No you have to get yourself better. They're not going to let you leave."
"They can't force me to stay," I argued.
"Actually, we can," another voice said as a doctor walked in behind Taylor. "You're stuck with us for 72 hours for observation."
"Observation?" I asked, shaking my head.
"Would you prefer suicide watch?" he asked. "Now get back in the bed. I don't want to have to restrain you but I will."
"You can't be serious?" I gaped in disbelief. "I have a job. I have to pay my rent. I can't stay here for 72 hours."
"You just told me you still wanted to kill yourself," Taylor said.
"Are you going to get back in the bed?" the doctor asked. "Or do I have to get some orderlies in here to assist you?"
I glared at Taylor as I sat back on the bed.
"Now," the doctor continued. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," I snarled causing him to smirk. He asked me a few more questions and did a quick examination on me before telling me a psychiatrist would be in sometime that day to speak with me.
"I'll have a nurse come in and patch up that arm," he said noticing the blood from where I had ripped out the IV. "And see about getting you something light to eat."
I didn't respond. I just stared blankly at the wall until he had left.
"Amelia," Taylor started once we were alone.
"Get out," I said not meeting his eyes.
"Amelia, please," he said. "I'm only trying -"
"I said 'get out,'" I repeated raising my voice. "I told you I didn't need saving. I want you out of this room and out of my life. I mean it this time, Taylor. Goodbye."
"Am-" he started again.
"Leave God dammit!" I cried. "You don't belong here! You're nothing to me."
"You don't mean that," he said softly.
"I do. Now go."
"Don't push me away," he said, his voice cracking.
"Am I interrupting something?" a nurse asked walking in.
"No," I said. "Taylor was just leaving."
He didn't say anything. He stared at me blankly for a few seconds before turning and walking out of the room.
"The doctor said you don't need a new IV," the nurse said as she bandaged my arm. "And we're going to start you on a clear liquid diet until we're sure your stomach is strong enough for more solid foods."
I was grateful she didn't pry into what had happened with Taylor. I was in no mood to discuss it.
"I think I just wanna sleep for now," I said. "Can I get some muscle relaxers or something to help me sleep?"
"Oh I'm sorry," she said. "But we can't give you anything until the psychiatrist sees you."
"Great," I muttered and laid down on my side so my back was facing her.
"Try and get some rest," she said. "And I'll get some food sent up to you."
I just nodded in response.
I heard her leave the room and squeezed my eyes shut trying to force myself not to cry. I knew I was being horrible to Taylor and he didn't deserve that. I knew deep down that he was only trying to help me, but I didn't think I deserved his help. I knew the best thing for him was to stay away from me. He was better off. That's what I kept telling myself.
I drifted off back to sleep, repeating to myself how I had done the right thing.