Broken

Chapter 17

Seventy-two hours I spent in the hospital listening to therapists and doctors tell me I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I pretended to care. I pretended that I would get help when I was discharged. I said whatever they wanted to hear. I just had to get out of there.
The second I was released I headed to the bar.
"Where the hell have you been?" Gina demanded when she saw me.
"IN hell," I replied, holding up my wrist to show off my hospital bracelet which I hadn't bothered removing yet.
"What happened?" She asked, looking me over. "Did some fucker beat you up? Cuz I'll fuck him up."
I chuckled, "No, nothing like that. I ODed and they made me stay for 72 hours."
"Suicide watch?" she raised her brow curiously at me.
"Yeah," I shrugged nonchalantly. "I guess."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
I nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing I can't fix myself. Is Vinnie around?"
"Not yet," she replied.
"Damn," I muttered. "I'm gonna go get cleaned up then I'll be down for my shift. I still have a job right?"
"Of course," she said.
"If you see Vinnie tell him I'm looking for him,"
I said.
"Gotcha," she replied. "Just no more incidents like this girl, promise me?"
"I promise," I smiled and headed up to my apartment.
I sighed in relief when I closed the door behind me. Even if it was a shit hole, it was my shit hole.
The light on my answering machine was blinking, indicating I had new messages.
Curiously I hit the play button.
"Amelia, it's Jen. What the hell happened to you? Taylor said you were in the hospital but wouldn't say why. Call me immediately."
I rolled my eyes but smiled at Jen's concern as the next message began to play.
"Hi." I recognized his voice immediately. "I-I don't know how to even say any of this. But I am sorry. I'm sorry you're too damned stubborn to realize what a good thing we could've had. I'm sorry you think so little of yourself that you can't see how wonderful you truly are. I'm sorry that bastard ruined you all those years ago. But I'm not sorry that I fell in love with you. I'm not sorry that I care too much about you to watch you die. I will never apologize for that. But I will do as you wish and leave you alone. I just wanted you to know that, if you ever need me, I'm here. No matter what. I'll always love you. And I'll never stop caring about you. Well - uh - I guess this is goodbye. I love you."
And just like that his voice was gone and my machine beeped indicating there were no new messages.
I replayed his message over and over again and cried. I had spent years trying to numb myself from pain like this and now here it was hitting me full force. I couldn't handle it. I jumped up and began searching my apartment for anything that could help.
My medicine cabinet had been cleared out. My liquor cabinet emptied. Even a stash of coke I'd hidden in my nightstand had been removed.
"Taylor," I grumbled, realizing he had cleared out my supply. The pain was replaced with anger again.
I muttered obscenities as I got ready for my shift.
"Vinnie been in yet?" I asked Gina when I went back down to the bar.
"Out back," she said.
"Thank god!" I replied.
"You got 10 minutes," Gina said.
"Deal," I said heading out the back door.
Finally, I had gotten my fix and replenished my supply. I quickly finished a cigarette before heading back inside.
A few hours later, I was just starting to feel normal again when I saw Jen and Zac walk in.
"How can I help you?" I asked walking over to them.
"Why didn't you call me?" Jen asked. "Tay said you were in the hospital!"
"Oh that," I said dryly. "That was nothing. I'm fine."
"What happened?" she asked.
"I ODed," I replied nonchalantly. "It really isn't a big deal."
"Not a big deal?!" she cried. "You could've died!"
"But I didn't, thanks to Taylor," I didn't even try to hide the sarcasm. "Always coming to my rescue."
Zac furrowed his brow, "You should be grateful he's been there for you so much."
"My hero," I rolled my eyes. "Can I get you guys something to drink or what?"
"I have been worried sick about you," Jen said. "Taylor is a mess. He's so worried about you."
"So he sent you to come check on me," I reasoned. "So much for leaving me alone."
"No he didn't," Zac defended. "He didn't want us to come because he knew you'd think that."
"I came anyways," Jen said. "Because you are my friend. And I am worried. You're done with the drugs now right?"
"Yeah, sure," I replied avoiding her eyes.
"Amelia!" she cried. "What is wrong with you?"
I laughed suddenly, "Oh dear Jennifer, I could write a book on what is wrong with me. Sorry I didn't have the perfect family and the perfect little life you had, or that Taylor and Zac had. Sorry I didn't grow up in this perfect little bubble where nothing bad happens to you. Sorry that you all seem to think that just being around you is going to suddenly make it all go away. Most of all I'm sorry that my mere existence has caused you all so much grief and ruined your image of a perfect world. I tried to end it but Zac's darling brother just wouldn't leave well enough alone. He can't mind his own business long enough to just let a person fucking die if they want to."
"I - that's not what I meant," Jen stammered. She was close to tears.
"I don't care what you meant -" I started again
"No," Zac cut me off. "You just shut up and you listen to me for a minute. None of us know what all you went through. None of us had that experience, you're right. We did come from good families who taught us to care about other people. And Jen and Taylor care about you. Why? I haven't a clue. I've always thought you were a selfish little bitch. And you keep proving that. You want to die in some shit hole bar? Fine by me. But there are people who care about you and you think you being here is destroying them? Wait until you're six feet in a hole. You'll kill Taylor. You think ending your life is gonna magically make everyone forget you were here? Sorry sweetheart, that's not how it works. Come on Jen."
He took her hand and she didn't fight it as he started to lead her out of the bar.
"I'm sorry my brother ever met you back then," he said. "You've always been right about one thing. Every one of us is better off without you."
Jen let out a sob and ran out of the bar. Zac quickly followed her.
I was left standing there speechless.
"You okay?" Gina finally asked me.
"Um yeah," I said trying to shake the feelings away. "We're slow, can I call it a night?"
She looked around before answering, "Yeah," go get some rest."
I nodded and walked out of the bar. I started to ascend the stairs to my apartment and changed my mind. I decided to go for a walk first and try and clear my head.
The last few weeks had really done a number on me.
I wandered around for a while not really paying attention to where I was going. Without even realizing it, I ended up in front of Taylor's building. I stared at it when I realized where I was at.
"Why did I come here?" I thought. I knew I shouldn't be there. I knew I needed to leave. But I couldn't get my feet to move.
That's when I saw him coming out of the door. My breath caught as I watched him brush his hair out of his eyes. He looked so sad as he started to hail a taxi. He glanced over and saw me standing there.
"I - I didn't think I'd ever see you again," he said approaching me.
"I got your message," I said softly.
"I meant what I said," he replied.
"I don't know why I'm here," I admitted. "I guess I just couldn't leave it the way I did."
He rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at his shoes.
"How do you want to leave it then?" he asked, his voice barely audible over the sounds of the city street.
"I - I don't know," I said glancing down at my own feet. "I do love you Taylor. I always have, but I am so screwed up."
"You can get help," he said.
I shook my head, "I honestly think it's too late for me. You deserve someone better. Ask Zac, he'll tell you. You're better off without me."
"Fuck Zac," he scoffed. "He doesn't get it. He never did."
"I'm not sure I get it," I admitted. "I know why I love you. But I don't get why you love me? I'm not a good person, Taylor. Not even a little bit."
"Yes, you are," he said. "You just can't see it."
I shook my head again, "No. There is nothing to see."
"I wish you could see yourself the way I do," he said, taking my hand. "If you could see yourself through my eyes, Amelia, you would know just how amazing you are."
I half smiled, "That would be wonderful. Unfortunately I don't have that privilege. I can only see what I really am."
He shook his head, "Amelia -"
"No," I said, squeezing his hand. "I told you this before and I want you to really listen to me. Fall in love with some uncomplicated girl. Some girl who can truly love you the way I can't. Some girl who isn't screwed up. Someone who can truly be there for you, the way you have for me. You deserve all the things I can't give you. I love you, but you deserve so much better than me. Go, be happy. Please, do that for me."
His bright blue eyes were watery as they met mine, "I only want you."
"What you want and what you need are two very different things," I said softly. "And you need someone better than me."
He shook his head, "Amelia -"
"No more words," I said cutting him off again. I gently pressed my lips to his, squeezed his hand again and said one last goodbye.
He stood there gazing after me until I turned the next corner. I leaned up against the wall of the closest building, struggling to breathe.
The tears were falling so fast now. I could barely see but I started walking home anyways.
As I approached the bar, I reached in my pocket and pulled out my keys.
"Miss," I heard someone say as I opened the door to the stairs. "You dropped - is this what I think it is?"
I spun around and came face to face with a police officer.
"Fuck," I muttered under my breath.