Broken

Chapter 18

This chapter is a little shorter than usual and not that great but it seemed necessary.

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That was the night I got arrested. I was able to plead down and serve my sentence in a rehabilitation facility.
It was a long three months, but I was finally clean. I was scared leaving the facility. I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't go back to my apartment or my job. Luckily Gina had brought my personal effects to me while I was still in rehab.
They set me up with a new job in a restaurant waitressing and a room at what could only be considered a halfway house.
I enrolled in a community college taking classes when I wasn't working and was finally on a path in my life I could be proud of.
I reconciled with Jen and hung out with her whenever Zac wasn't around. Not that I didn't like Zac but he still didn't like me and it was hard for me to be around him and not think about Taylor.
"Are you sure you won't at least consider it?" Jen asked me one day over lunch about two months after my release from rehab.
She had asked me to be her roommate since I was now allowed to move out of the halfway house and on my own.
"I don't know, Jen," I said. "Zac wouldn't like that."
"Zac is happy you've gotten yourself better," she defended. "Besides hes rarely there. They're about to go on tour again."
"But still," I said. "What if -"
"Taylor doesn't come over with Zac," she interrupted. "Zac said its hard for him to see me cuz it reminds him of you too much."
I couldn't help myself, "How is he doing?"
"Better," she said. "Zac said he talks about you less now."
"Good," I said. "Hopefully he'll find someone."
She nodded, "So?"
"I guess," I sighed, caving in to her request. "We'll do a trial period while I look for my own place, mainly because I want out of that house!"
"Okay great!" She grinned. "Let's go get your stuff now!"
Since I didn't have much, I was all moved in later that afternoon.
I was comfortable at Jen's I had to admit. I no longer had to check in or out when I wanted to leave. I didn't have "room checks" to make sure I wasn't hiding anything. I wasn't constantly being pestered by other women seeing if I had anything they could "score" off of me.
I had gotten so comfortable there that I hadn't even bothered trying to find my own place.
A month after I moved in Jen informed me that Zac was going to be in New York for a show and would be staying the night.
To say I was nervous was an understatement. I buried myself in school work and even picked up an extra shift the night of the show.
I got home late from work that night. It was dark in the apartment. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I didn't have to face Zac quite yet.
I slipped my shoes off at the door and tossed my jacket on the couch and heard someone mumble something.
"Hello?" I heard his voice say and saw a silhouette sit up on the couch.
"What is he doing here?" I immediately thought, sucking in my breath.
"Jen?" I heard him ask.
"Uh no," I said, nervously.
"Amelia," he said. "Sorry. I -"
"It's okay," I said. "Go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."
"I was gonna be gone before you got up," he started to explain. "Zac and I had a few drinks and I crashed here."
"Really, it's fine," I said quickly. "I'm heading to my room. So just go back to sleep."
I didn't wait for an answer and rushed into my room. I quickly closed the door behind me and leaned against it. I sunk to the floor and buried my face in my hands.
"This is what I was afraid of," I thought. I swallowed hard and tried to get the thoughts of using out of my head. I knew I should call my sponsor but all I wanted to do was try and sleep.
I stood and got ready for bed. I was just about to crawl under the covers when I heard a soft knock on my bedroom door.
"Amelia," I heard him quietly say.
"Yeah?" I said, knowing I should've just pretended to be asleep.
"Can I come in?" he asked.
"Yeah, I guess," I answered. What I was doing I couldn't say. I knew this was going to be a bad idea.
The door opened and there he was.
"Hi," he said, nervously as he closed the door back behind him.
"Hi," I repeated, picking at a string off my comforter. I couldn't look at him.
I felt my bed shift and glanced up to see he had sat down on the end of it.
"How're you doing?" he asked.
"Good," I said, and began rambling about school and work.
He chuckled when I finally stopped talking, "Sounds like things are going really great for you."
"Yeah I guess so. What about you?"
"Business as usual," he smiled.
"That's it?" I asked curiously.
"Pretty much," he replied softly.
It got quiet for what seemed like an eternity after that but in reality was only a few minutes.
"You look really good," he said, his cheeks turning a deep shade of red. "Healthy, stronger, beautiful as ever."
I blushed and looked away, "Thank you. You look good too."
"I know I shouldn't say this," he started.
"Then don't," I interrupted.
"I miss you," he finished, ignoring my request.
I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply.
"We've been over this Tay," I said, slowly breathing out.
"I know," he said. "But I thought since you were doing better -"
"Now isn't the time," I said. "I'm sorry but I'm not ready for anything like this yet. I'm still not where I need to be for a relationship, especially with someone with so many ties to my past."
He nodded, "I'm sorry. I know. You're doing so good and I don't want to screw that up. Just seeing you again -"
"I know," I cut him off again. "I wish to God things were different."
"But they're not," he said sadly, his shoulders slumping down.
"I'm so sorry," I said.
"Don't be," he said and took my hand, gently squeezing it. "I don't want to hinder your progress."
He stood up and walked toward the door, at it he stopped, "I'm so proud of you."
He opened the door and started to walk out.
"Taylor," I said causing him to stop and look at me.
I bit my bottom lip, "I probably should just let you go back out to the couch but could you stay here with me? Just til I fall asleep? Like you used to?"
He smiled softly, "I would do anything for you."
He closed the door and came back over to the bed and sat down next to me. Instinctively he pulled me into his embrace. I snuggled into him and closed my eyes. I fell back in time to when we were sixteen in my motel room. I knew it was wrong of me but I had missed him too.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"For what?" He asked.
"Everything," I said. "You've never stopped believing in me. Even when I don't deserve it."
He kissed the top of my head but didn't respond.