The Girl I Knew

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

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Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.

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That morning I really woke up early to prepare for the day and to catch Sir Bob on his way and ask for a check both for my tuition and allowance. He shouldered every thing which I was grateful for. Only one year away to finish my degree program and if it makes me lucky enough, though (if I were already stable financially) I would proceed to Medicine just like what everyone tells me too. But I wasn't sure yet. Money was tight. I have to have a decent job as quick as possible, earn and save money for the house I wanted to build, with my family living in there and for the future.

Sir Bob always insist that when I graduate he would be helping me fly to New York and practice my profession there. Salary in the Philippines was basically low compared to the other continent. And when people say they wanted to earn money as fast as possible, they were talking about working abroad.

If people ask why I go to college my answer would be because I have to have a degree and have a decent job and earn more money. That wasn't hard to say. Money. That's what drive me to study harder. Why? It's easier to have lots of money in today's society because everything revolves around it.

But then, everything seems so wrong especially when people around were doing everything they could to make you feel so down, to make you feel hurt and that you wanted to give up everything what you've started. Those people were their helpers. They said that I only go out in my room when I was hungry and do nothing. And that I've decided to destroy everything as a revenge so that they would be scolded even if they didn't do it.

It hurt even more because nobody wanted to believe in you because they've been too busy tending their own reputation. That no matter what you do, the old ones will always be the right ones because as what they say, 'another year older, another year wiser'.

I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my cheeks now. I don't usually cry because I don't want to show my weakness. I don't care anymore. I really do. All I have to do now was to study harder and breakaway. That was always been my dream-- to get away.

I've come to realization that people have the tendency to always accuse me of something I didn't do due to my carefree attitude and 'I-don't-give-a-damn' look. Basically, they're just judging my appearance. They wouldn't care about my emotions and feelings. Due to my silent ways of coping with the situation, nobody would know that it affected me so much that I've been inventing names in my head as to what I call them the next time I talk to myself. This life I have been was a messed up one.

I didn't eat dinner and the next morning didn't show up in the kitchen. I was so busy calming my nerves than to satiate my hunger. I did my laundry, cleaned the attic which was also the praying room, arranged all the statues and wiped them. I put two candles on each side of the altar and swept the floor. I had just prepared the room for the prayer meeting this evening. By 2:30 , I was done with everything but I didn't go down the kitchen to eat my lunch. By 7 pm, the visitors were arriving and everything was prepared on the table by their helpers. I didn't help. That's the issue. If I showed up, they would definitely roll their eyes at me for showing up only when I was hungry. Little did they know, I was tired from arranging everything. They were only there in the kitchen preparing menus which was easier than moping around following orders here and there.

I hated myself even more because I should have shown up, squared my shoulders, chin up and showing an ambiance of being not affected of whatever they say or think but it wasn't. I noticed my self-destructive behavior by missing my meals four times. And that's stupidity and the first time I ever did it. Life made me this and it's becoming a habit. I don't even want to accept the idea of me hurting my own self.