When She Died

Part 8: When I Lost Her

▪ When I Lost Her

After Ann's funeral, I found myself at a state of depression.

Hindi ako lumalabas ng apartment.

Hindi ako nakikipagusap kahit kanino.

Bihira lang din akong nakain.

Everything reminded me of her. And it was painful. Too painful.

I need to be with Ann.

At kung hindi ko man siya makakasama ngayon, dito.. kailangang gumawa ako ng paraan para makasama ko siya ulit.

Now, standing at the rooftop, I said all my prayers and thought on my short life in this world.

If dying is the only price I have to pay, to be with her again, I would do it.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko and pictured her smiling face.

I'm coming Ann. I'm coming.

Hindi na kita pagiintayin ulit.

I jumped.

But someone stopped me.

It was Ann.

My heart almost stopped as I tried to clear the tears in my eyes.

Pero ng tingnan ko siya ng mas matagal ay hindi siya si Ann.

Siya si Lauryn, isa sa mga matatalik na kaibigang Pilipino ni Ann sa New York.

Galit siya habang mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sakin. Mukhang galit siya.

''Sira ulo ka ba?!'' sigaw niya sa'kin ng mahila niya na ako pababa sa kinatatayuan niya.

''Lauryn.. I'm sorry.'' sabi ko ng nakatungo. ''I just want to be with her.. then we'll both be happy.''

''Happy?!'' sabi niya na puno ng galit. ''Do you think Ann would be happy that you tried to kill yourself?!''

''But--'' magdadahilan pa sana ako ng ihampas niya sa dibdib ko ang papel na hawak niya.

''No buts.'' sabi Lauryn at kinuha ko na ang sulat at tinitigan ito. ''Ann lived for you when she was already dying. Now you can't even do that for her? Sana naman matauhan ka.''

Pagkasabi niya noon ay umalis na siya at iniwan akong nakatitig sa papel na hawak ko.

The letter smelled like Ann's perfume.

Matagal lang niyang tinitigan bago siya nagdesisyong basahin ito. He didn't know if he should read it. Hindi pa ba sapat na nasasaktan na siya?

Bakit kelangan pa niyang basahin 'to?

Bakit kelangan pa niyang doblehin ang sakit?

Kilala niya agad ang sulat ni Ann. Her neat and cursive handwriting.

He thought the letter contained Ann's unfilfilled hopes and dreams, and he was right.

Pero hindi basta mga pangarap, kundi mga pangarap ni Ann para sa kanya.

Dear Nathan,

Hindi ako makatulog. Gabi na ng kasal natin pero parang hindi na ko makapaghintay.

I want to see you so badly, but they said I couldn't, so I've decided to just write you a letter.

Akala ko talaga, hindi na kita makikita pa. I missed you so much that I was even tempted to call you many times. Pero ayokong makita mo ko ng ganito.

I know I'll die soon, and I've accepted it. Pero nung dumating ka, I suddenly wanted to live. I wanted to fight death. Though it was impossible, though it was painful, your presence made it bearable. It was worth it.

I wish I could have spent more time with you. Siguro dapat hindi ako naglihim sayo. We almost missed each other in this lifetime.

But the memories I have with you now would be the most precious. I will always be thankful. And I will never forget what I feel right now.

Thank you for asking me to be your wife.

And someday, if ever I would not be able to fulfill my duty as your other half, I wish you would find someone who would love you.

Someone who would love you more than I do. Someone who can make you smile like how you made me smile. Someone you can share your dreams with.

Someone who deserves you more than me.

I want you to enjoy your life and be happy.

Laugh again, Nathan.

Love again.

Magipon ka ng maraming mga masasayang memories, so that if God permits, maikekwento mo 'yon sakin pag nagkita na ulit tayo.

Ano ba itong pinagsasasabi ko? I guess I poured in to this letter all the things I'm not brave enough to say.

I love you so much and thank you sa lahat lahat.

You have completed my life. Thank you for staying when I wanted you to leave. Thank you for living for me when I thought I was already dying.

Thank you for loving me and accepting me with all your heart.

Love,

Ann

Umiiyak siya habang yapos yapos ang sulat ni Ann.

It was everything he needed.

All those unsaid words..

Ann's unspeakable fear.

Her selfless dreams..

Tama si Lauryn. Sira-ulo nga siya.

Ann wouldn't want him to be like this. She would want him to continue living.

It might be painful. It might be hard. But it was nothing if it was for Ann.

He would live for her.

The first step is to accept that Ann is really gone.

And maybe, someday..

Someday, he will finally be able to let her go.