The Thing We Call First Love

Chapter 21 - The Fall

Why did I wait so long? Four years! Isn't that too much even for me? Who would miss a million chance to confess his love? Well, I did. Why so? Just because of a tiny thing called fear. That fear has made me stand where I'm standing now.

It was December 26th. Rohan and me were standing in front of the parotta stall outside school. We were waiting for Ramya. My heart was pounding. I was trembling. Rohan was talking something. But I couldn't make out anything he was saying. I was lost in my thoughts waiting for her. I couldn't describe how I was feeling. All I could say was that the feeling wasn't good.

Earlier that day, I happened to hear something. Something that you never imagined will happen even in your worst dreams. Something that will make you think that it can't ever be true.

Well, that feeling of certainty is a bad thing; a really bad thing. When you feel that feeling of certainty, it is almost always certain that you are wrong because everything in this god damn world is nothing but uncertainty, is it not?

'WHY BE CONFUSED? JUST FIND OUT WHETHER IT IS TRUE.' I thought

Ramya was unusually late that day. I turned to Rohan and told him 'I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.' But Rohan's expression was weird. Wait! He wasn't seeing me. He was looking behind me. I turned back quickly. There was a guy walking our way and behind him was a familiar person. I asked Rohan to wait near my bicycle and walked forward. In about two steps, I could see the face. The face that made me witness true happiness for the last four years.

'HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?' She asked me. I stood there without answering because I didn't know what to answer. There was silence for about twenty seconds.

'WHY ARE YOU CRYING?' was her next question. Wait! Yes, I was crying without even realising it. I took my handkerchief and wiped my tears.

'ANY PROBLEM? YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL ME.' She added. Seeing me wiping my tears, Rohan came towards me out of concern. But I told him to wait near my bicycle or I could say I screamed at him to wait. I was angry now and was screaming in the road.

What was happening to me? I didn't know. After two deep breaths, I spoke the three words to Ramya I was dying to ask her. It left a surprised look on her face.

'WHO IS AKSHAY?'

So who was he? To me, he was a student of our school. But who was he to Ramya?

'HE IS A FRIEND.' was her reply. 'IS IT? HE TOLD ME SOME THING ELSE.' I told her even though I never asked him. She became silent and after about 30 odd seconds.

'I'M SORRY SANJAY' she started but I interrupted her 'WHO IS HE?' in a demanding tone. With much hesitation, she in a low voice

'I LOVE HIM'

Ah, that was it. Suddenly my heart stopped. Everything around me stopped. All I could feel was emptiness. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

'I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. BUT...' I interrupted her again. What was I speaking? What was I doing? What was happening? I didn't really know.

'I LOVE YOU RAMYA. NOT TODAY. NOT YESTERDAY. FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS. DO YOU REMEMBER OUR FIRST FIGHT IN 8TH GRADE? DO YOU REMEMBER 'I WON'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE?' SINCE THEN TILL NOW AND FROM NOW TILL FOREVER'

Suddenly the fear I had for four years vanished. I didn't know why? Having spoken those words, without seeing her face; without waiting for her reply; I left. I could hear her calling out my name. I could feel that she was crying. For the first time in life, I walked away from her.

She wasn't to be blamed because the mistake was on me. The empty me went home losing all hope.