I didn't speak a word about the incident to anyone even Rohan that day. I went home and went straight to bed. I told my mom that I had a headache. Rohan sat in my bed till 8 pm waiting for me to speak my mind out. Since I told Rohan that I needed some time alone, he left.
The whole night I was wide awake thinking about everything. From the message 'HEY. THIS IS RAMYA' to 'I LOVE AKSHAY.' I was cursing myself for letting fear take over me. I didn't know when I slept.
It was 5.03 am in the morning. My mobile rang. It was an unknown number. Sleepily, I answered the phone. 'HEY! WHY AREN'T YOU REPLYING FOR MY TEXTS?' It was her. Keeping the call active, I checked my phone. What? 132 messages! She has been texting me the whole night. 'SORRY. I HONESTLY DIDN'T SEE MY PHONE.' I told her. Even now all I could do was respond to her normally. I could never hate her. Well, I don’t know about others: Unlove people? That’s something I couldn’t do.
'SO?' She hesitated.
Then I took over the conversation. 'I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU EARLIER. YOU LOVE AKSHAY. BE HAPPY WITH HIM. I WON'T DISTURB YOU ANYMORE.'
'I'M SORRY SANJAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, TO BE HONEST.' she said in a guilt filled voice. Before everything ended, my heart just urged me to ask one final question. So with an inquisitive tone I asked her,
'MAY I ASK YOU SOMETHING? IN THESE FOUR YEARS, DID YOU EVEN, IF IT WERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND LOVE ME? OR WAS IT ALL MY ASSUMPTIONS?' I asked her. But my heart wasn't pounding and I wasn't trembling this time.
'HAD YOU TOLD YOUR LOVE ON THAT DAY IN 8TH GRADE, I WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED SPONTANEOUSLY. I WAS CRAZY ABOUT YOU. WHY DO YOU THINK I GOT YOUR NUMBER FROM ARJUN IN THE FIRST PLACE?' She killed me with her reply. We have been living four years without confessing our feelings. But why? Tears slowly rolled down on my cheeks. But I didn't want her to know that I was crying. So I continued the conversation.
I asked her why she never told me her feelings for me. In return, she asked me the same question. We both stayed silent for the question because both the questions had the same answer. It was 'FEAR.' At least in the end; I knew that I was being loved too; Not for a split second but for the most part of the four years.
'BUT NOW, I HAVE AKSHAY. GUESS WE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. EVERY THING HAPPENS FOR A REASON SANJAY. I'M REALLY SORRY SANJAY' She told me.
Yes, everything at some of time has to end. Even if it is so good. Even if it makes you think you cannot live without it. There will always be a way – A way to continue moving forward.
'PLEASE DON'T BE. BE HAPPY. HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.' I told her and with byes the calls got cut. I tried to be happy but I couldn't. But eventually I learnt to fake a smile and move forward. With the biggest failure on my mind, I studied hard. I did my best at the boards.
No one was able to see past my fake smile. Only Rohan saw it. He waited for the boards to end and right after the boards we went out for lunch. There he talked to me. He made me understand that Ramya wasn’t in my life anymore. We talked about literally everything.
It was a day where my perspective of life changed. It was the day I cried for all the things that kept piling up from December 26th. It was the day that everything finally got over with some influence of alcohol. We decided not to drink ever again.
Well, life is short and uncertain. Never let small things like fear control it. You never know what will last and what will end. So do your best to keep the good things near you. When things don't go well just learn to accept it. A bigger happiness might be waiting for you tomorrow. That positivity is the way that keeps you moving forward in life.
Life lessons, we call it. In short, that night I realised what is life. That night, the chapter ended. It ended with tears of joy in my eyes, ethanol in my blood, a smile on my face and most importantly with a friend for a lifetime.
In the pursuit of my new life, the next chapter of College began. Will I be able to overcome my shortcomings? Will goodness finally reach me? Will I get something as pure as my first love?
Who knows? I just have to go with the flow. Well, life is full of uncertainties and we just need to embrace them.
Feelings left hidden
Words left untold
Love left unshown
Are the ones that really hurt the most
Failures are okay but regrets aren't.
- Siddharth Sampath
A lover of first love
YOU ARE READING
The Thing We Call First Love
Roman pour AdolescentsThis is a story about a school kid's first love. How does Sanjay show his raw pure love to Ramya? What happens in the course of showing his love? How does Sanjay deal with all this? Well, that's what this is about. Can there be anything like FIRST L...
