Self

why

i think that things have finally begun to look up for me in my life. i got the boy. i made up with the other boy. i got the friends. i got most of the grades. i got the positions. i got the clubs. i got nhs. i got the sports. i got the car. what more could i want? personal happiness. i still have yet a clue to get on what that is or what it even means. i wish i could say or put into my words what i mean but i cannot. there's no words able to describe it, none whats so ever. is it a good idea to be made up with the other boy? i don't know. it's bringing up feelings, these strong emotions that i threw away when i chose my original boy again. i don't want them i can't handle them, not again, not a second time. it quite literally broke me and him the first time i could only imagine what the second time would be like. cato strophic for sure. there's no forgiveness after you screw up that time. it's not happening it will never happen. no matter how much it kills me it'll never happen. i csnt be with him ever. not now not then not in the future. i just can't and it really sucks and makes me want to die.