Self

please

feels [9]
i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i thought i was helping you i thought you were getting better. i couldn't have been more wrong. i saw the signs but i guess i ignored them because you led me to believe you were doing better. this isn't on you it's on me, it's on us, it's on society. god what i would give to be with you right now, just to hug you talk to you. at first i just wanted to scream and yell at you for being stupid. now all i want to do is sob at your feet and ask you why, but i know you can't give me an answer. when the news hit me i stopped functioning, i couldn't breathe it was like i had been paralyzed in fear. god i'm so scared for you. for about an hour i laid in bed staring at the ceiling at nothing leaving me alone to my thoughts which was a mistake. somehow i built a wall in my mind around you, i decided i couldn't deal with you now so i'll deal with you later. except, i don't "deal with you" you're not some 3 year old child,you're my friend one of my best friends. i made a distraction saying if i couldn't help you maybe i can help him and you know what i did. now that that's over my walls have come crumbling down around me. in fear in pain i'm drowning. i can't escape it's all surrounding me and i can't leave. you're all that clouds my thoughts. my eyes pool with tears for you, my heart aches for you. my true friend in all of this was and is you. i can't let that go i never will. please. don't leave me. i can't do this thing called life without you.