The Kissing Booth: Adult Edition

Reasons To Find You

Over the past week, Noah had gotten into the habit of coming over to my office in the afternoon. "You don't have to come here all the time, you know. We could meet somewhere off campus and do something, if you want," I told him one day while typing away on my computer. Noah sat in the single lounge chair behind me, tossing a rubber ball up into the air repeatedly. "Yeah, but I don't want to distract you from your work." Then what do you call this? I groaned inside myself. "Don't you have better things to do with your time than watch me work?" I sighed tiredly. "Like what?" "I don't know. Explore Seoul?" "Eh, I can do that later... like when you go for lunch everyday with Marco." "Of course I'm going to eat on campus with him; he makes my lunch and we want to see each other. You're free to join us." Noah eyed me from behind. "Boy, are you dense," he remarked. "Rude," I kept on typing.

Noah leaned back in his seat, spreading his arms across the back. His head tilted up towards the ceiling. "It's an idea, though." "What?" I asked, not glancing away from my screen. "We should go somewhere sometime." "Like where?" "Well, what would you like to do?" He questioned. I shrugged, still not stopping. "We could go to a museum or art gallery." "Could you pick something not so mind-numbingly boring?" "Oh, that's right; I forgot. I'm the nerd who likes boring, intellectually-stimulating things. Not like the Rijksmuseum was my favourite place in Amsterdam or anything." Noah didn't respond immediately, but I could sense him watching me. "You really have changed, haven't you?" He finally spoke. "I guess so. I didn't realize it was happening," I honestly answered. "Huh, none of us do," he remarked casually.

A moment of silence fell between us. Noah let out a surrendering sigh. "Alright; have it your way. We'll go to a museum." "Don't do me any favours. I can go with Lee or Marco if you don't want to." Noah's palm twitched, though I didn't see it. He began to frown. "Why don't you treat me the same as them? I'm supposed to be your friend too, aren't I?"

This made me stop typing. I spun around in my chair so to face him head on; our eyes instantly locked. "Maybe it's because we used to go out? And we broke up for a reason?" "Yeah, but you said so yourself: that's ancient history. It's all in the past. You don't need to feel weird around me anymore." "Who said I feel weird around you?" "No one had to. I'm not blind, Elle. We're friends now- treat me like a friend," his gaze sharpened. My lips parted a sliver. Treat him like a friend? I guess when I'm being truthful, I am still keeping that wall up..... But what will happen when and if I let it crumble down? How will I feel in a month or so? Is this really something I should be getting into? Well, looks like it's time for some communication!

"Noah, let me ask you something." "Huh?" "I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest. Why did you break up with me?" Noah's face dropped just like that. He was not expecting me to bring this up; not after I declared I don't want to talk about it for so long. His mouth opened but it took another minute for any words to come out. "What? Elle, why are you bringing this up now?" "Just answer the question. I need to know, for my own sake. Please....."

Noah looked straight at me for a moment later, then sighed gravely and tossed his head back. "Why did I break up with you? I thought it was obvious: because you chose to go to Berkeley after getting accepted to Harvard." "Is that all?" I pressed on. His eyes narrowed a tad bit. "Yes.... Well, no. To be totally honest, I was really looking forward to you coming to Harvard with me. I thought that if you came, we could start a real future together, you know? It felt at the time that you chose Lee instead of me..... But you didn't really choose Lee per se. You just chose not me." "Noah....." My vision softened onto him.

"I guess in the heat of the moment, I decided to end it with you. I didn't really.... think through the consequences of my actions at the time and didn't realize what I did until it was too late. I told myself I could, I would get over you; I would meet someone else and move on. Heh, sounded a lot easier than it was..." "Noah, you...." My hand rose up to my chest. A sad grin crept across his face. "Yeah, I know I screwed up. I know the hell you went through those four years after the fact.... We're not kids anymore; we can't keep playing these games. And I don't want to make the same mistakes as before. You're guarded- I get it. I also know I have no right to ask you to trust me. But...." His head moved forward so we could look into each other's eyes again. Noah's lowered onto mine. "I'm not asking you to feel anything for me again, Elle. Just treat me like a friend; treat me like the others. Bake cookies for me and invite me over to your place. Give me a chance to be a real friend to you, ok?"

After staring at him for I don't know how long, my own stare lowered. My head tilted downwards ever so slightly. "You're right.... I am guarded- at least with you. Sometimes I forget.... And sometimes I can't forget.... Just how much I used to love you. I loved you so much, Noah; I was convinced that you were the one. We were so close; we understood each other..... I think that's why I'm so afraid. It took me seven years to get over you- to look at you and feel nothing. But what will happen when I let my guard down and let you in again? Will if all those feelings I once had for you return? The scary thing is.... I don't want them too," my hand quivered uncontrollably on my chest. My line of sight shifted downwards slowly.

"I'm happy. For the first time in a long time, I'm finally happy again- I don't want to lose that either. That's why.... love with not just you but anyone seems like such a dangerous gamble. It's not worth it.... I don't think it's worth the risk, what with me moving back to Europe. I don't want to fall in love with you again, Noah. That's why I'm so afraid..... because I know how easy it was to love you. Too easy.... And I'm not strong enough to go through all that again....."

Noah remained quiet for a long, long time. Eventually however, he stood up all of a sudden. He wasn't smiling, and his hands were balled into fists. I blinked as he suddenly came over to my side. Boy, did my eyes get wide. "N-Noah?" "I'm sorry, Elle." "Huh?" "I see what I did to you... I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than me....." "Noah...." He let out a long, pained sigh. I then flinched as he reached down to take my hand; he cradled it so tenderly in his. "I can't undo what I did, Elle, but I can try and make it better. Please, don't be so afraid anymore. I know you're scared to get hurt again, and you won't let yourself get attached..... But please.... You don't have to be afraid; I'm never going to let anything hurt you like that again." Noah! My heart skipped a beat. My mouth opened.

"B-But you can't promise that, Noah..... You know you can't." "The hell I can't. Just while I'm here, lower your walls and let me in. Lee's the only one inside your heart right now, isn't he? It must be so lonely for you. I don't want that for you, Elle. I'm not asking you to love me, but I'm asking you to do this for me. Let me make right the mistakes I made before," his hand gave mine a tight squeeze. I couldn't stop gawking up at him. Lower my walls? I hadn't even dared to consider..... "B-But how do I know I won't get hurt again? How do I know I can trust you?" "You can't. But I need you to do this for me, Elle. Just try; let yourself learn to love again. Love is such a wonderful thing.... Someone very precious taught me that. I want that for you someday..... Please, Elle." "Noah...." What can say to that? How can I answer you, Noah?

Eventually he smiled, still holding my hand securely in his. "We're friends, Elle, which means you can call me when you need me. Call me- I will come. There are so many reasons...

Reasons for me to find you."