"And this is your place, Miss Evans," my landlady brought me around back behind her house to where I'd be staying for the next two years. I love Amsterdam's city centre, don't get me wrong; I was just glad not to be living right downtown. My place was in Landsmeer- roughly half an hour outside Amsterdam Central. This community, and even my street, was dotted with these lovely little houses and gorgeous canals. My landlady had her house along the same street as the Jumbo, which was a massive grocery chain in the Netherlands. She had her house, and right behind her place was a two-story barn converted into a tiny house. Yes, while in masters I would be living in an actual barn.
And what a lovely barn! The walls were made of this thick, dense wood- painted slick black on the outside and white on the inside. There was a window put in and a glass back door. The place was tiny- I'll give it that. But upstairs was this little loft with a queen-sized bed and single-person bed at the other end. A sunroof was put in each panel upstairs. Back downstairs there was this petit bathroom with a single shower and tiny sink. Beyond that was a modern glass table, a bookshelf running along underneath the window, a two-person couch, and a little kitchen setting with a stove, oven, and sink. No dishwasher for me. Any other person would think this barn is too tiny to live in for two years, but I absolutely adored it. I adored it from the first moment I saw it. The location was perfect in my opinion too. Amsterdam proper was just a bus and train ride away, and if I kept walking along my home road I'd bump into green pastures and cows soon enough. It truly was the ideal Holland setting for a grad student like me.
My landlady was from England. She had married a man from Amsterdam. We spoke in English, and I thanked her for all her help. She gave me a key- which was adorably attached to a little Dutch wooden shoe keychain- and told me to contact her if I needed anything. I proceeded to spend the next two hours unpacking and getting all settled in. I also texted my dad and Lee, but because of the time difference, I wasn't expecting a reply for at least a couple of hours. This allowed me to put away my phone and really focus on moving in.
Making myself at home didn't take too long. This place was very small and I didn't bring much with me. The heaviest thing I always carried were my books, and those went straight on the shelf. When all was said and done, it was roughly two o'clock- just enough time for me to get myself over to Jumbo and buy some dinner for tonight. I got a thing of Dutch cheese, some nectarines, a litre of milk- including a carton of Chocomel-, a baton, some salted butter, some candy obviously, and a pastry for breakfast. That's how I love to eat.... and mostly what I know how to make for myself. Eating my candy along the way home, I made note of the bicycle rental shop just five houses down from mine on the corner. Hmmmmm, I could make use of that.
One nice thing about my barn was that it had a small backyard right on the canal. A two-person round table sat beside it, so I could eat my dinner outside by the water. That's what I planned to do anyways. I got home and unpacked the food in my tiny single-wall kitchen. Seriously, this place was small but in a charming way. After setting everything away, I closed up my candy bag and began shuffling through my books. I had to figure out which ones to bring with me to campus tomorrow.
While going through them- a little too quickly, I might add- some slipped and fell off the bookshelf. I looked to see a pile of five books landing on the couch and floor beside me. With a huff, I went to start collecting them again. After the ones on the couch were put back, I turned my attention to the ground and stopped. Something was sticking out of one of the books. It looked like a postcard. I'd honestly forgotten I'd put it in there. I picked up the book and opened it to where the item was poking from. That's when my eyes widened.
I was right: it was a postcard..... Noah's postcard! It was the one I wrote to him back in Paris that one evening; the one with Versailles's roses on the front. I'd totally forgotten I'd hung onto this card up until now. I guess I put it in a book at some point and just forgot.... It made sense too. The book it fell out of was Ernest Hemingway's "On Women", which I purchased at Shakespeare and Company in Paris. I must have put it in here before I moved back to America for senior year of undergrad. I had never looked at it again until now.....
Curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to read what I'd written so long ago. It was only two and a half years ago, but it felt much longer than that; maybe I missed Paris so much. I made myself a small plate to eat, cooked a cup of tea, and carried everything out to the little table in the tiny backyard. On the other side of the canal was this gigantic oak tree; it really was an idyllic setting. While munching away at my dinner, I began to read over the postcard, only to stop for brief cringes here and there.
"Truth is, Noah, that I still always think about you." Ugh, did I actually write that? The cringe! Oh no, and it gets worse. "Heh, I've seen so much here, but nothing's quite distracted me from you." Oh my god, I can't believe I actually wrote this. I don't even know the girl who did write this; it seems like so long ago. Funny, I go to Paris now and Noah never comes to mind- not even once. I guess I've achieved what I set out to do; I've successfully gotten over him. There was a time- obviously- when I didn't believe that would ever be the case, but here I am. Here I am....
The hand holding the postcard fell down as I gazed back out onto the canal. My eyes locked onto it as my mind slipped off into the faraway place of its own accord. When did I get over Noah? How did I ever manage that? I suppose on that night in Paris, I recognized that I'd been running towards something I could never catch up to. And at some point after then, I found a different way to run.
I didn't feel the same about Noah anymore. I guess I got so used to running this new way, that I fell in love with that instead. So many other things just seemed so much more important to me now. Getting my masters done in two years, finding a good PhD supervisor, choosing a topic for my research proposal. My brain worried so much about all these little things already, that I guess everything not absolutely necessary got pushed out. Nothing seemed more crucial to me than finishing my masters at the current moment- the idea of pinning over some boy when I had a masters' thesis to write seemed utterly ridiculous. Ridiculous and stupid. In essence, I think I grew up since that particular night in Paris. But also..... it's more than that.
I'm not sure when my mindset began to change exactly. I used to think- and hope- that my life would play out like some grand romantic love story. If my life was a movie, I wanted it to be in the love genre. But as I got older, my perspective started to change. My life didn't seem to be a romance movie but instead an adventure film. Slowly, slowly I realized that my actual reality was playing as some big grand narrative. It was like I was the star of a movie like "The Wind Rises" or "Julie And Julia". If love ever came into the equation again, it wouldn't be the main focus but instead a single part of a much larger story. No, I wasn't a character in a love story- my role was much more than that now. I don't know when I saw that I wasn't Juliet, but I was Jiro; not Ophelia but Hamlet. Yes, I was the Hamlet of my own story.....
And I had grown content with that.
My eyes lowered gently onto the quiet canal. I took a sip of tea and leaned back in my chair, tossing my head back up towards the sky. A calm, serene smile blossomed across my moist lips. Without ever looking at it again, my hand crumpled the postcard into a ball. Yes, this is my life now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love the fact that I'm here in Amsterdam; I mean, how many people get to live in a converted barn? And while they're in masters, no less. As far as I'm concerned, I'm incredibly lucky- lucky and privileged. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to the pain-filled world that was those first four years after Noah and I broke up. I will never go through anything like that again- I refuse. If being alone protects me from that, I'm willing to settle for that. But it doesn't feel like I'm settling for anything. Being here like this certainly doesn't feel settling. No, I found a way to run that works perfect for me. My eyes reopened and after a second, my head fell back down. I was peering back at the canal and beautiful tree again, a light autumn breeze caressing over me. This is the happiest I ever remember being.....
"Elle? Elle?"
"Hey, Elle!" I blinked from where I was standing. I was by the window looking out. Looking out and remembering... My head shot over to where Lee had been calling me. "Are you ready? Come on, everyone's ready to go." "Oh.... Oh! Coming!" Suddenly realizing what he was talking about, I quickly gathered up my stuff. My hands and body were moving, but my mind was still taking its time coming back. Yeah, I'm still not convinced that my life is a romance story; I've just been too happy out of love before. But.....
Maybe my adventure story can still be grand with a little love thrown in.
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The Kissing Booth: Adult Edition
FanfictionSeven years after Elle goes to Berkeley, and she and Noah break up, Lee comes to visit her while she's doing research for her PhD aboard. Things turn on their head when she gets a call from Marco that same day. Soon after, Noah also wants to come fo...