Make Me Forget

one.

Archie

I didn't cry the entire time. I was selfishly proud of myself, but only because I didn't think it was possible. It's been a week since Sarah was found in her bedroom; lifeless, gone. Gone from my life, taking everything I was passionate about with her, including her.

I started dating Sarah last Christmas. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. And I knew that the moment she walked into my communications class. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. It took weeks of me staring at the back of her head of long blonde hair before I finally got the courage to talk to her. And some weeks later, when the semester was almost over, I asked her to be my girlfriend during a night out with friends. It was perfect. She was perfect.

Love is not something I thought I was capable of, but with Sarah, I fell fast and hard. It was difficult not to. She had the brightest smile, the silliest laugh, and the ability to light up a room when she walked in. What did she see in me? I'm not sure. I never thought of myself as anything more than a bass player in a semi-popular band, with okay grades, attending my local community college. Sarah deserved better. Maybe that's why she decided to leave.

The sound of her mother crying hysterically brings me back to reality. Standing in the cemetery, with about 50 other people, in the middle of a cold New England February, I shuddered. The sounds that came from Sarah's mother were not human. It took everything in me to not break down as the priest spoke about my Sarah.

"Sarah Hunt leaves us with memories of a young lady who did more in her short twenty years of life, than many of us do in a lifetime. Sarah leaves behind her mother, Linda, her father, Mark, brother, Noah, and boyfriend, Archer."

Pain.

After a few more words were spoken, it was time for Sarah to finally be put to rest. The cries that surrounded me were unbearable. I wasn't surprised I didn't shed a tear. I have spent the past week of my life in disbelief, crying myself to sleep. Instead I looked ahead, hiding my eyes behind my dark sunglasses. No amount of crying on the outside can demonstrate the pain I felt in that moment. Because as soon as her casket began descending, my heart followed along with it.

_________

My parents are the best parents in the world. My whole life they've been my biggest support system and today was no different. Ever since we received the news of Sarah's passing, my parents have been there for me every step of every day. After the burial service, my mom walked with me to my dad's car, sat in the back seat with me as my dad drove us home, and played with my hair as I laid my head on her lap, staring ahead.

When we arrived at our home, my mom didn't let me go until we got inside. I moved to go to my room and as I walk up the stairs, I think about the last time I saw Sarah, on those same stairs. I was reminding her about our plans for Valentine's Day, a day we never got to celebrate. She had her hair up in a lazy bun, she was wearing my shirt, leggings, and the most beautiful thing about her; her smile. She had caressed my cheek and came closer to me, whispering:

Archer St. Martin, every day is Valentine's Day with you.

Then she kissed me goodbye.

Her ghost kiss lingered on my lips at that moment and my heart raced.

I moved quickly up the stairs, made it to my bedroom, and shut my bedroom door behind me as I sunk into my bed. Head in my hands, I felt the stinging feeling of tears forming in my eyes and I tried as hard as I could to contain myself. But all that hard work was thrown out the window when I looked to the side and saw the envelope on my nightstand. The envelope labeled Archie. In Sarah's perfect cursive, the envelope she left for me before she took her life.

Coward. That's what I am, because I haven't been able to bring myself to read it. I know it has the answers, but what if it's my fault? Could I live with myself if I did something to hurt her? I stand up and throw the envelope into my drawer, full force. Overwhelmed with emotion, I start taking my clothing off, feeling suffocated in my own body. First the tie, then the shirt, then the blazer, then the pants, until I'm in nothing but my underwear.

I don't know when I started crying, but tears were falling down my cheeks, landing on my lips. I let the emotions take over me as I laid down on the floor, thinking about how I lost the love of my life. Thinking about how I will never be the same again.