ALPHA GREY (Re-written)

Chapter 18

I watched on through the window as the waves lapped onto the beach right at the foot of the infirmary. It was a beautiful day outside, peaceful and serene – a complete contrast to how I felt. Inside me, a storm was brewing, and there wasn't much I could do to stop it. The heated argument with Greyson this morning had only been the tip of an iceberg threatening to crumble down, bringing to ruin the little ounce of peace I had left in me still.

I don't know how long I stood by the window, watching as the sun cascaded over the bright blue sky, until I finally managed to turn my attention back to the only other presence in the room. He watched on patiently, not saying a word as the silence saturated every particle in the sparely decorated but surprisingly welcoming space of his office.

A heavy sigh escapes my lips.

"It has increasingly become hard for me to fall asleep."

I finally find the will to speak, pushing past the furious thoughts darting about my mind. Slowly, I make a move towards the couch positioned across form Julian's chair.

He looks intently at me, as if trying to decipher the meaning behind every motion and every breath. It always amazes me how he effortlessly transitions from his goofy self to the poise professional before me.

"Why do you think that is?" He prompts me to elaborate.

"My mind has a scary capability to be dark and demented. Often times I wonder if that's what I am. Darkness seems to follow me around. I can never escape it."

Terror plagued my every chance at sleep.

The nightmares would take the same form but unlike usually, I don't wake up as I am hauled into the pit of darkness. Instead, I fall and awaken to find my hands covered in blood, severed heads at my feet. A few feet from me stands Xander, heart in his bloodied hands, his eyes mirroring his pain at my betrayal. His head falls into the pile just as I walk towards him. Greyson stands behind him, his face cold and covered in splutters of blood.

"Are you afraid of your dreams?"

His question catches me off guard. For moment I blankly stare at the celling, thinking of an answer.

"Not the dreams, more so the things they reveal about me." I mutter.

Although I may seek to blame others for the darkness in my life, I was right at the centre of it. My father had done what he did to my mother, disillusioned by his so-called love for me. The same was true with Greyson.

Did I have control over their actions? No.

Could I have done something to stop them? That there is a loaded question.

"And what do your dreams reveal?" He inquires, his expression focused.

"Death plagues my dreams, it always has. Now, it isn't just a thing of my terrors, it surrounds me. It makes me wonder then if I am deserving of all that has happened to me." I explain.

"Your dreams are merely a visual reflection of your unconscious mind. They are not your destiny."

Though I wanted to believe that he was right, I knew that there had to be a reason I was mated to Greyson.

"For a while I thought that I could fight the darkness. Now I feel it threatening to overthrow what little light I have in me. Darkness has always been a part of my life, its no wonder I am fated to be surrounded by it."

"Is this to say that you consider being mated to Greyson, some form of punishment?"

I turn my attention to the clock mounted on the wall, above Julian's head.

"I think that concludes our session for the day."

Julian chuckles, seeing right through my attempt to change the subject at hand.

Each time the path of our talks would lead to Greyson, I would swiftly change course. Whether the reason was my mental readiness or fear of Greyson coming to know of what I share in confidence with Julian, I couldn't say.

I wouldn't put it past Greyson to use his title as Alpha to manipulate the situation into his favour. Professional integrity aside, I doubt Julian would stand against his brother, certainly not for a stranger he barely knows.

"Is he picking you up?" Julian enquires, his eyes searching.

"I doubt it."

We got into it this morning.  I don't say.

"He will probably send Hulk to pick me up." I say instead.

"I have a few things to wrap up. If you don't mind waiting, you can drive back with me. If you are up for it, we grab something to eat."

I simply nod my head.

"I'll inform Greyson."

                                                                                                      ~

Surprisingly my time spent with Julian outside of his office is enjoyable. For the first time in weeks I find myself laughing whole heartedly. I hadn't truly realized just how much isolation had taken its toll. Just being outside surrounded by other peoples inaudible chatter and the glee-filled laughter of innocent children lifted my mood. They run about, oblivious to just how cruel the world can be.

My laughter though genuine, is fleeting for I couldn't help longing for the presence of those most dear to my heart.

***

The day had dragged on but not enough to save me from the surely uncomfortable interaction I am bound to have with Greyson. Under the spell of my rage I had said some very harsh words that I am afraid I cannot take back. My first instinct – to inflict even the tiniest fraction of the hurt that he had unleashed into my world.

I could feel the tension in the air the moment he returned to our bedroom. Awkward silence was suspended in the air, neither of us saying a word. Though I could not see him, I could still hear his every movement and feel his unrest as though it were my own – maybe it was my own.

"I will be away for a couple of days."

He finally spoke as he returned from his shower.

"Where are you going?"

I blurt, still not daring to remove the covers that were shielding me from his penetrating gaze.

"Italy. There is some business I need to tend to."

"Take Jasper with you, I will feel better knowing you have someone capable watching your back."

Silence

I'm not questioning anyone's loyalty. I am simply familiar with Jasper and have seen his unyielding devotion to protecting you. I continue at his lack of response.

"I'm surprised you even care."

For reasons I am yet to wrap my head around, his words impale me.

"I may dislike you but a part of me feels a certain warmth towards you that I have no control over. I will at least have a chance at a decent night sleep knowing you are safe. The last thing I need is to be worrying about you when you are miles away." I admit.

Though it may not have been the only reason, it did hold some truth to it.

"As you wish." His tone holds a fleeting sadness as he gets into bed.

I shift slightly adjusting my head on the pillow, my back to his. Neither of us utters a word further, our encounter in the morning prematurely laid to rest in a shallow grave. At some point in the darkness of the night, I fall asleep to the sound of his quiet breathing.

***